But Why Isn’t Tarzan Wearing A Loincloth?

A quick second after Warner Bros. made twat lips pucker and b-holes faint by releasing those pictures of Alexander Skarsgard looking all buff, wet, sensitive and dirty (Just how I like ’em!), they dropped the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan and it doesn’t reach the Pan-levels of ridiculousness I thought it would reach. But there’s still something really, really, really, really wrong with it.

TARZAN IS STILL WEARING THOSE STUPID ASS KHAKI CAPRIS FROM CHICO’S!

Tarzan is supposed to be the hot King of the Jungle, he’s not supposed to be a sassy suburban mom named Beverly (her friends call her Bevy) who is going to swing by Target real quick to pick up some Barefoot pink moscato because her husband’s out of town and she wants to get her buzz on while watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie for the 20th time. Tarzan shouldn’t be having a Chico’s kind of day. Yeah, yeah, I know that in this Tarzan movie, he’s supposed to be a modern day man or whatever, but that is no excuse. First of all, it’s a movie with CGI animals. It doesn’t have to make sense. Second of all, what’s the point of casting ASkars as Tarzan if you’re not going to put him in a banana hammock that’s made of actual banana peels?

Here’s hoping that early in the movie, Tarzan’s ape friends find a way to tell him that he looks a mess in those capris. So they take him shopping for loincloths and we get a Pretty Woman-style dressing room montage set to “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. I’m going to choose to believe that happens in the movie.

On a positive note, it’s nice to see that Christoph Waltz is showing off his range by playing the type of character he’s never played before. And here’s Christoph at The Hateful Eight premiere in Hollywood a couple of nights ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

ICYMI: Samuel L. Jackson Performing A Slam Poem About “Boy Meets World”

Because nothing precious from your youth is considered sacred anymore (I myself keep a crisis hotline on speed-dial in the event a Step by Step re-boot is announced) Laurence Fishburne Samuel L. Jackson stopped by The Tonight Show last night to perform a spoken word poem about the 90s TV show Boy Meets World. Generally, nothing gives me the art chills as intensely as the words ‘slam poem’, but I didn’t hate this. I think It’s because I truly believed Samuel L. Jackson was feeling it, man. Then again, I think it’s scientifically impossible not to get filled with emotion when speaking about national treasure Mr. Feeny (I believe the proper name is TGIF’s Theorem of The Feels)

Except he missed one thing: MINKUS!! You can’t talk about Boy Meets World without addressing the most important nerd character of the TGIF lineup next to Steve Urkel. Or maybe there’s just too much to say about Stuart Minkus, and casually throwing his name in between Topanga and Eric Matthews wouldn’t be giving him the respect he deserves. Same goes for the character of Jack Hunter. Forget one slam poem on The Tonight Show; Matthew Lawrence’s beautiful 90s boy bander hair deserves an anthology of poems.

“And Now, Ladies And Gentlemen, May I Proudly Present To You The Real Stars Of The Movie!”

The marketing people behind that Captain America: Winter Soldier shit really dropped the ball tit, because ScarJo’s chichis should’ve gotten top billing over her, Chris Evans and even Samuel L. Jackson. At least someone (see: the genius staffer in the blue jeans) knows who the star attractions really are.

At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America 2, Woody Allen’s cheerleader (“Um, err, if she’s my cheerleader, can she bounce just a little bit more while cheering me on? Oh, what am I saying, she’s underage!” – Woody Allen) dressed herself up like a snooty French widow who found out her husband was broke after he died and was forced to get a job spraying perfume at a department store. At tonight’s UK premiere in London, a knocked up ScarJo dressed herself up like a drunk and WASPY mother of the bride at a Christmas Eve wedding. All that fabric at her crotch looks like a really elegant and sophisticated wave of period blood is coming out of her. And I’m going to guess that before her makeup artist painted on her eyeliner, the fire alarm of her hotel went off and they had to run out of there. She looks like this office manager at a place I used to work at who stupidly put on her makeup in the car while sitting in traffic and didn’t bother with the eyeliner, because she didn’t want to poke her eyeballs out.

In conclusion: looking like a messy mother of the bride with a half-painted face IS the look.

Here’s more of ScarJo, Chris Evans (who always looks like he’s staring at a beautiful sunset while totally constipated), Anthony Mackie, Samuel L. Jackson and other hos at the UK premiere tonight.

Pics: Wenn.com

Those Nipple Tassels Are Really Low And Too Close Together….

That’s not how nipple tassels work, ScarJo!

At the Hollywood premiere of Captain America: Winter Solider (“My winter soldier is saluting the Black Widow’s pregnant tits” – thousands of fanboys), ScarJo didn’t answer questions about the Dutch, Jewish, French fetus growing in the Shake N Bake bag in her body, but words are cheap when her growing chichis say everything. ScarJo is apparently 5 months along, so I’m guessing her fetus is hanging out in her tits right now and moving down south in the summer, because I look more pregnant than her right now. Yes, ScarJo’s pregnancy boobs are magnificent, but what in lace and tassel hell is she wearing?! She looks like a French widow who’s in love with her dead husband’s lawyer and so she sexed it up for the will reading. ScarJo’s wearing the losing look in a Project Runway challenge where the designers had to create a brothel madam business suit out of old French maid costumes.

I would’ve been all about this if those tassels were over her pregnancy nips and she twirled ’em throughout the night.

And if ScarJo’s misplaced nipple tassels aren’t for you, here’s also some pictures of Chris Evans’ luscious beard and Jeremy Renner looking like he feels the relief one feels after finally pooting out a stubborn doody bubble.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What Happens When You Mistake Samuel L. Jackson For Laurence Fishburne

Oh, L.A. locals news, where the lady anchors are always done up like they’re on their way to Happy Hour at Charley Brown’s Steakhouse (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT!) and where the “entertainment reporters” think all black dude movie stars look alike.

Sam Rubin has been on KTLA in L.A. since the pile of weed-infused oatmeal in my head can remember and maybe it’s because I only get my entertainment news from George PEENnacchio (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT, part II!), but I don’t remember him being this embarrassing. But this morning, Sam gave every viewer a severe case of second-hand embarrassment when he mistook the national treasure in a Kangol hat that is Samuel L. Jackson for Montana Fishburne’s daddy. Samuel L. Jackson was on KTLA via satellite to whore out Robocop and during the interview Sam Rubin asked him about his Super Bowl commercial. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t do a Super Bowl commercial, but Laurence Fishburne did one for Kia. The switch in Samuel L. Jackson’s brain flipped to NOT THE ONE and he verbally slapped Sam Rubin down. When Sam Rubin tried to get back up and dust himself off, Samuel L. Jackson kept verbally slapping that bitch down. Call him Laurence Fishburne one more time, Sam!

As Sam’s co-anchors laughed at his ass, Samuel grabbed his hair and dragged that ho:

“You’re as crazy as the people on Twitter. I am not Laurence Fishburne! We don’t all look alike! We may all be black and famous, but we don’t all look alike. You’re the entertainment reporter for this station and you don’t know the difference between me and Laurence Fishburne? There must be a very short line for your job. Oh, HELL NO. Really? Really? I’m the other guy. The other one. What’s in your wallet?”

Samuel L. Jackson didn’t even have to reach through the screen and slap Sam Rubin because Sam Rubin slapped Sam Rubin for him.

After Sam finished dipping his body in a tub full of First Degree burn cream, he went back on air and apologized to Samuel L. Jackson and also spit out a corroded dingle from a bull’s butt when he said that he wasn’t referring to Laurence Fishburne’s commercial for Kia, he was referring to the trailer for Captain America 2 that played during the Super Bowl.

Oh, it’s okay, my mom always confuses Sam Rubin for Piers Morgan and I don’t know which one of them should be more offended.

Catherine Zeta-Jones’ Vagina Should Sue

Back in June, throat cancer survivor Michael Douglas blamed his illness on eatin’ box lunch. That’s a euphemism. Then he retracted that so his estranged wife Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn’t be getting nervous looks from her esthetician down at the bikini waxin’ parlor. It turns out all this pussy accusation controversy was for naught, because he didn’t HAVE throat cancer. He had tongue cancer! Wait, someone hop on Web MD and find out if HPV can give you tongue cancer, too. You can trust Web MD. That’s how I found out I had dropsy and that the skin tag my brother had meant he was a dying hermaphrodite.

In an interview with Samuel L. Jackson on the UK’s This Morning (via People), Gordon Gekko revealed that he covered up his actual diagnosis to deter the media from asking about the brutal surgery associated with tongue cancer.

The surgeon said, ‘Let’s just say it’s throat cancer,'” the Last Vegas star reveals, explaining that the doctor told him that if they had to do surgery for tongue cancer “it’s not going to be pretty,” and that Douglas faced losing part of his jaw and tongue.

Rather than having to discuss possible facial disfigurement with scores of reporters on the press tour, they decided to disguise the truth.

That’s all well and good but what about the libel suit that his wife’s muffin should be filing? No wonder why the bitch was checking into mental health facilities and finally decided to leave him. He had the world thinking her vagina was murdering people! Laura Linney’s character on The Big C originally blamed her cancer on Zeta-Jones snatch before a rewrite.

In other news, Samuel L. Jackson hosts a talk show in the UK? He is one busy bitch. Get your pussy-slanderin’ cancer lies off his motherfuckin’ talk show, MD!

Pics: WENN