Category: Royals

King Charles Hosted His First State Banquet As King

November 23, 2022 / Posted by:

Last night was King Charles’ very first state banquet as monarch. The dinner was held for South Africa’s visiting president, Cyril Ramaphosa, who was originally scheduled to make the trip in September. THE QUEEN’S death forced him to reschedule. This banquet was a very big deal (for people who actually give a rat’s ass about the monarchy), so the Royals decided to to bust out the big guns. Their version of “the big guns” is, of course, sparkly tiaras. Queen Consort Camilla wore THE QUEEN’S Belgian Sapphire Tiara and Kate Middleton wore Queen Mary’s Lover’s Knot tiara. The King didn’t get to wear shit. He kept his dome diamond, sapphire, and hair-free. Continue reading

A Royal Expert Claims That Meghan Markle Asked Princess Kate To Be On Her Podcast

November 4, 2022 / Posted by:

There’s a rumor that Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle (pictured above approximately 4 billion years ago when they were still pretending to like each other) might reunite for an episode of Meghan’s podcast Archetypes. Express reports that Neil Sean, a “royal expert” (aren’t we all, at this point?) claimed Meghan asked Kate to guest on the podcast during her recent visit to the UK. I can see it now! “Today’s archetype is… evil, racist royals. What do you think about that particular archetype, Duchess Kate?”

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Mike Tindall, Husband Of THE QUEEN’S Granddaughter, Will Appear On “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!”

October 12, 2022 / Posted by:

Hang onto your stupid, over-the-top British fancy hats, because, today, history has been made. The Sun is reporting that former rugby player Mike Tindall, who is married to Zara Tindall (THE QUEEN’S granddaughter/Princess Anne’s daughter), has signed on to star in the upcoming season of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! You know, that British reality show where stars must survive in the Australian wilderness and eat bugs and other gross shit for charity. Mike’s involvement will be the first time a Royal has appeared on reality TV. The first of many, hopefully. Now, let’s all close our eyes and manifest Queen Consort Camilla’s involvement in Celebrity Big Brother.

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Princess Kate Got Heckled In Northern Ireland

October 7, 2022 / Posted by:

Yesterday Kate Middleton and Prince William visited Northern Ireland to do royal shit (charity, trip to the bar, charity). Sounds fun! Except for the fact that many Irish people loathe the Royals with every fiber of their being. See: the Irish soccer fans who chanted “Lizzie’s in a box!” hours after THE QUEEN died. So it’s not surprising that Kate encountered some Troubles during a walkabout outside Carrickfergus Castle. People reports that while Kate was greeting people in the crowd, one woman took her hand and said, “Nice to meet you, but it would be better if it were when you were in your own country.” HA! All Kate could do was awkwardly laugh, cuz when ya burnt, ya burnt.

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King Charles III Will Be Crowned On June 3, 2023

October 6, 2022 / Posted by:

It’s happening, whether we like it or not. Bloomberg reports that King Charles III’s coronation ceremony is set to take place on June 3, 2023. This is exactly 70 years (and one day) after THE QUEEN was crowned on June 2, 1953. Queen Elizabeth was 26 when she took the throne. By next June, Charles will be 74, making him the oldest person to be crowned king in British history. So the phrase “Long live The King!” is, well, optimistic. Continue reading

Today In “You Can Just Do That?” News: Queen Margrethe Of Denmark Stripped Four Of Her Grandchildren Of Their Titles

September 28, 2022 / Posted by:

Now that THE QUEEN is dead and the king of England has not nor will he ever earn a single capital letter from me, it is time to turn our attention to a far more contemporary European constitutional monarchy with a dark colonial past. Unlike the British Royal Family, the Danish Royal Family have been reading the room these past few decades and have kept such a low profile that I seriously thought Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid was next in line for the throne, him being the only Danish Royal I could ever hope to name, even under extreme duress. But according to People, following THE QUEEN’s death, Denmark’s Queen Margrethe II is now Europe’s last remaining female monarch, and unlike THE QUEEN, THIS OTHER QUEEN isn’t afraid of shaking the excess fruit from the family tree.

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