There’s A Chance Randy Quaid Will Be Deported Back To The US

Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.

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Why Did I Watch Randy & Evi Quaid’s Sex Tapes?

Yes, tapes as in plural, as in more than one clip, as in I watched them all. It’s official: I’ll watch almost anything with the words “sex tape” in its title. I even watched that shitty Sex Tape movie with Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. That’s how desperate I am.

If you thought to yourself, “I want more,” after watching that bizarre and beyond WTF video of Randy Quaid dry humping his wife Evi as she wore a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, then congratulations, you’re sucio and also, your wish has come true in a major way. A tipster sent Gawker a link to a k-hole of fuckery where Canada’s own (they belong to you now, Canada) Randy and Evi Quaid get into some Fifty Shades of Why? shit before she star whacks him off and they take turns sucking on each other’s down low parts. When I watched Vegas Vacation almost 20 years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever see Cousin Eddie giving himself a double moustache by sucking on his wife’s furry cooch, but here we are.

On the page with all their videos on it, Randy tells everyone to enjoy the show and promises to send you his Star Whackers documentary if you snail mail him a dollar:

STAR WHACKERS This Impressionistic feature length documentary about the life and times of Randy Quaid is being released via vidme by Honor Code Tweet Twitter.com/@EviQuaid or Twitter.com/@RandyRRQuaid. Or you can email to: Shipshore44@Gmail.com that you have sent $1.00 CASH to the “Evi and Randy Quaid Not For Profit Passport Fund” at: E & R QUAID 3385 RIPTON ROAD LINCOLN, VT 05443 USA After Randy receives your promise by email or Twitter that you mailed $1.00 CASH. ENJOY THE SHOW.

If you really need to see Randy and Evi’s sex tape clips, click here. It might be a little hot if you pretend they’re George R.R. Martin and Courteney Cox. And yes, we’re all that dog barking non-stop in the background.

Let’s Check In On Randy And Evi Quaid…..

Judging by that screen shot, they’re doing….. well….

The last time I wrote about Randy Quaid and his wife/partner in pure fuckery Evi Quaid, Canada had declared that they weren’t going to ship these two two back to the US to face charges for the vandalism they did while squatting in their former Santa Barbara house. Randy and Evi ran off to Canada because they didn’t want to face charges and also because they claimed some group of celebrity assassins called the Star Whackers were after them. Well, since then and now, Randy has grown out his luscious beard into a giant cotton ball cloud, he’s thrown a lawsuit at John Kerry and he’s still spitting out conspiracy theories.

In a new video that was splattered onto the Internet today, Canada’s very own (he belongs to you now, Canada) ranted against former Warner Bros executive Bruce Berman, the New York Post and Rupert Murdoch. While looking like a Duck Dynasty Santa Claus, Randy said he has made Warner Bros over 1 billion dollars and they thanked him by having him and Evi falsely arrested by TMZ (???) six times. Randy also accuses Bruce Berman of stealing his house. As for the New York Post, Randy slapped at them for smearing his good name and said that Rupert Murdoch has fucked him over and over again. Meanwhile, Evi sat in the background wearing a bikini and sunglasses.

This is probably the fever dream that David Lynch has after falling asleep while watching Christmas Vacation.

It doesn’t end there, Evi gets up, puts a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, bends over and Randy Quaid spits nature’s lube in his hand before dry humping her butt. If you really need that image seared onto your brain, here you go:

Three things:

1. That spit into the hand was a nice touch.

2. Is that dog barking for help or… Why am I even putting an “or.” Of course that dog is barking for help.

3. Dennis, Buddy, Brandy, any of the Quaids? For where art thou? Come and get your brother.