Highly Important ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Update: Phoebe Price Took The Challenge

I interrupt all the MTV VMAs foolery and fuckery to bring you this important BREAKING NEWS story that I’m sure you’ve already seen since all of the major networks broke into their regularly scheduled programming to report.

Everybody can pack up all the ice, buckets and water, because the Ice Bucket Photo-Op Challenge has hit its peak and it’s time to go home. EVERYTHING has been leading up to this. Every celeb whore has taken an icy load to the head just so that someone (I’m guessing one of the Foster Farms Chickens) would eventually nominate international supermodel and Patron Saint of Look At Me, Chicken Cutlets.

Chicken Cutlets usually shies away from attention and you never see her wearing a bikini in front of a camera, but she bravely made an exception for the sake of charity. Above is PP dumping water over her head while wearing the fuck out of your grandma’s favorite bikini. It’s not really possible for PP to do the Ice Water Challenge, because ice immediately melts and water boils whenever it gets close to her piping hot ginger hotness.

Below is PP nominating a bunch of bitches including this bitch.

I would do anything for PP’s love, but I won’t do that. I’m in Mehico so it would cost me approximately 500 pesos to buy a bucket, a bunch of water, ice and to pay a hot Mexican piece in a Speedo to dump it on me. So I’m going to give that money and then some to ALS instead. The only way I would ever do the ALS challenge is if the water came from Alexander Skarsgard’s bathwater and the bucket was Prince Hot Ginge’s mouth.

via Facebook

Lana Del Rey Accuses The Guardian Of Being “Sinister” For Printing That “I Wish I Was Dead” Quote

Lana Del Rey is so goddamn mad at The Guardian that she could scream, but since she’s worked hard to build a persona whose emotions are always set at “……” she’s not going to do that. Instead, she’s going to take a long nap and have a black and white, slow motion dream where she’ll battle The Guardian in a gun fight while her boyfriend smoke a cigarette against her Jaguar convertible.  The Little Leota on ZzzQuil is pissed at The Guardian for making her sound like she should be on suicide watch.

Last week, The Guardian published an interview with Lana where she said, “I wish we were dead.” To which most of us said, “You mean you aren’t already?” since she always looks like she successfully overdosed on sleeping pills about an hour ago. Lana tweeted (and then deleted) about The Guardian’s shady ways yesterday. Lana accused The Guardian’s Tim Jonze of trying to get her to say scandalous shit that he could use to get as many eyeballs on his interview as possible. Sure, Lana thinks she was interviewed by someone named Alexis instead of someone named Tim, but you’d get names mixed up too if you were always in a walking coma. Lana twatted this out:

Tim Jonze slapped back at Lana and said that it wasn’t that serious.  He was just trying to pull some interesting quotes out of her mouth, which I guess is harder than trying to pull John Travolta’s face off of a massage therapist’s crotch.

Ultimately, the problem with Lana’s complaint is that she doesn’t seem to know what she’s actually complaining about. She’s not alleging that I made up her quotes, nor is she claiming that they’ve been “twisted” or that we’ve printed them out of context. Instead she seems annoyed by the fact I wanted her to say interesting things and asked questions that caused her to do so. Well sorry, Lana, but that’s just me doing my job.

The drama of it all. All of this because of something Blahna Del Meh said? Did anyone ever really think that Lana Del Rey wanted to off herself? Did anyone ever really think bitch was serious? To me, Lana Del Rey is that goth high school sophomore who paints her nails black with a Sharpie, always wears dead red roses in her hair and once and a while gets sent to the counselor’s office for reciting a poem in English class about how she wants to die. We should do what the guidance counselor does: hand Lana a pamphlet about suicide prevention and then tell her to lay off The Cure and the Edgar Allen Poe for a while.

If you care, here’s Lana giggling about wanting to be dead while talking to Tim about Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse.

But if you really want something riveting. Feed your eyes these pictures of Lana’s obvious face and hair idol Chicken Cutlets.

Pics: Wenn.com

Blasphemy: Extra Tries To Tame Phoebe Price’s Glamour

Jesus Christ healing the sick and Mother Theresa rescuing dozens of children are two of history’s greatest acts of kindness and now you can add “supermodel and movie star* Phoebe Price slumming it on Extra” to that list.

Chicken Cutlets somehow found time between posing for the paps in front of Mr. Chow and posing for the paps in front of Mr. Chow to grace the lessers withher  beauty, grace and talent on Extra. Extra’s hosts, some blonde-ish chick and a come-to-life Archie character, were looking for someone to makeunder when Chicken Cutlets just so happened to be walking by with her mom Flora. This was obviously staged, because why would Chicken Cutlets be walking amongst the regulars at Universal CityWalk? But PP’s acting was still life-changing. When I went to see Blue Jasmine, some asshole behind me said “absolutely astonishing…” as we were leaving the theater. Well today, I’m that asshole, because I said those same words after seeing PP pretend to get “caught off guard” by gay Archie and Aussie chick. They gave PP a makeunder, which is stupid as fuck, because she’s the one who should be giving them makeovers. They would look so much more glamorous if they had a bird massacre on their heads and were wearing outfits usually only worn by cocktail waitresses at a Mardi Gras-themed casino in Reno.

Watch them take PP from “international supermodel superstar” to normal person who does normal things in life. Warning: It’s kind of painful. It’s like watching a ginger chicken get viciously plucked of its elegance and glamour:

See, that’s a great act of kindness. PP is so charitable and so giving. PP actually let them dress her in rags from QVC (not even HSN, QVC!) and let them brush some no-name brand blush on her cheek cutlets so that their little show could get a major ratings bump. This should totally go above “Jesus healing the sick” on the list of history’s greatest acts of kindness, because this is way more charitable.

And here’s PP reporting for seat filling duty at the AMAs last night. It looks like her fire crotch burned half of her dress off and the fire department had to throw water on her lap.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com

* see: her scene stealing role as a window shopper Get Smart

Presenting The Ho Stroll’s Newest And Greatest IT Couple

Correction! That title should read: Presenting THE WORLD’S Newest and Greatest IT Couple, because all those low-level couples in Hollywood and beyond cannot compete with the star power of Chicken Cutlets and her new piece.

Yesterday, the lunch special at Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills was saffron-dusted Chicken Cutlets with a side of salchicha and a glorious unibrow, because international supermodel and professional street poser Phoebe Price ate with her new boyfriend Ojani Noa. OhHoney No is famous for being JLo’s first husband (or is JLo famous for being OhHoney No’s first wife?) and over three years ago he tried and failed to make a mockumentary about his marriage to her. But all that’s behind OhHoney No and he has traded in the title of “JLo’s first husband” for a more prestigious and important title: Phoebe Price’s newest boyfriend!

Brad and Angelina and Beyonce and Jay Z can all exit stage left, because a true power couple has arrived. When they’re not posing in an EXCLUSIVE couples photo shoot for the PennySaver’s society section, they’ll be holding court at The Weed (The Ivy’s stepchild restaurant in Van Nuys).

FINALLY, after decades of waiting, we have a new Lucy and Ricky!

Pics: Splash

Phoebe Price, Call Lifetime Immediately

Remember when some crazy ho sent ricin-laced letters to Obama, Mayor Bloomberg and the director of Mayors Against Illegal Guns? The FBI found out that an actress from Texas who had tiny roles in The Walking Dead (she played a zombie, duh) and The Vampire Diaries is the one who did it and she was arrested in Arkansas today. NBC News says that Shannon Guess originally pointed the finger at her husband and said he was the one who did it, but after the FBI got down to the bottom of EVERYTHING, they found out the truth.

35-year-old Shannon loves her guns and didn’t like Mayor Bloomberg’s stance on gun control, so she threw up the crazy in a letter and laced it with ricin. Shannon allegedly wrote:

“You will have to kill me and my family before you get my guns. Anyone who wants to come to my house will get shot in the face. The right to bear arms is my constitutional God given right and I will exercise that right till the day I die.”

Shannon could get 10 years in the chokey if she’s convicted.

The only reason I’m writing about this is because when I first laid my eyes on Shannon Guess’ picture, the essence of Phoebe Price (smells like charred saffron, the Styrofoam container that chicken cutlets come in and the Barbizon waiting room) wafted up into my nostrils. When Lifetime inevitably makes a movie about this (called Ricin Against Time), there’s only one international supermodel who can play Shannon. Since Phoebe Price is so fresh and youthful that she looks like it was only yesterday when she was a chick trapped in an egg, she’ll have to use plenty or prosthetics to look 35, but she’ll totally nail it.

Here’s the future Emmy winner posing in the middle of the street last month.

This Is The Look: Elena Lenina At The Cannes Film Festival

Who cares if the name “Elena Lenina” makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah’s does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu’s home planet. If this is Elena’s way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it’s totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy’s heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah’s already got the lube.

And here’s some others at tonight’s premiere who obviously didn’t get the memo that the theme of the night was “sex toy hair.” In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.