Rotten Peaches Geldof Is Somebody’s Mother Now

A funny thing happened last week, useless trust fund trash Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof gave birth to an actual human being and the authorities didn’t quickly sweep in to grab that poor child and give him to something that can raise him better than she can, like an actual peach fermenting on the dirt. So because that didn’t happen, Peaches and her sexy hot fiancé Thomas Cohen are now raising a son who she’ll eventually trade for a half-smoked Pall Mall when she needs a quick fag fix. Peaches made the announcement on Twitter yesterday and I’m sure she’s already tattooed this announcement on her kid’s inner thigh using old mascara and a heated needle:

Yes, its true- I’M A MUMMY!!!!

My little boy is the most beautiful thing in this world. When he holds @tomfromscum’s finger with his hand its the sweetest thing ever. X

Why couldn’t Peaches mean that she turned into an actual mummy. That problem could be solved with a simple call to Brendan Fraser.

As for the name, Peaches rep (she has one of those) tells Metro UK that they have named their son Astala. Yeah, ASTALA. Personally, I sort of like the name Astala since it sounds like the name of the last boss in a Prince of Persia video game or like the name of a perfume for your butt cheeks by Alexis Carrington. I’m just mad that Astala’s middle name isn’t Vista.

All further jokes about Peaches’ possible mothering skills aside, at least Astala Vista Baby has a father who knows how to pick a pair of pants that gives off the illusion of having a low hanging camel toe. That is a quality all father’s should have.

Shut It Down: Rotten Peaches Geldof Is Procreating

In the director’s cut of We Need To Talk About Kevin, we learn that the movie takes place in the future and that Tilda Swinton actually bought the psychotic Kevin in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven in Connecticut from a dirty, raggedy hipster homeless-looking couple who turned out to be Peaches Geldof and her fiancé Thomas Cohen (<—- This doesn’t happen in the director’s cut of WNTTAK). And now it’s all coming true in real life! Peaches’ rep told The Mirror this morning that the womb bag in her body that used to store old heroin sludge and pieces of her liver is now carrying a fetus.

“Peaches Geldof and her fiance Thomas Cohen are delighted to announce that Peaches is pregnant with their first child.

Peaches is utterly thrilled and they have the full support of both of their families who are equally excited for the baby’s arrival.”

There are only two good things that can come out of this. The first one is that Peaches is twisted in the brains so she’s obviously going to fuck up her baby’s life by giving it a name that sounds like the name of an STD that only affects My Little Ponies. I’m thinking Nectarine Foofy Bomb. The second is that Nectarine Foofy Bomb will inherit its father’s fashion sense, because this world definitely needs more toddlers who dress like a 1980s late-in-life lesbian gym teacher going to a Woody Allen film class at a community college.

Peaches Geldof Brings Her Future Second Husband To The Dragon Tattoo Premiere

The only time the UK Department of Public Health allows that piece of trash Peaches Geldof into public movie theaters is when the filthy street rats overtake the concession stand and only a diseased gutter snake like her can scare them away. So it must of been a very special occasion for them to let Peaches into London’s Odeon Cinema for the premiere of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night and it was. The organizers of last night’s premiere knew their red carpet needed some greasy beauty that only Peaches’ newest fiancé Thomas Cohen can provide.

Thomas is that ho who put coolots back on the fashion map last August when he strolled around with Peaches while looking like the kind of Asian girl Woody Allen would like to marry. And yeah, now he’s about to partake in a pre-divorce ceremony with Peaches, but you know that shit isn’t going to last. Thomas is going to pull out as soon as he comes down from the hallucinations a bitch gets after drinking up the fermented syrup that seeps out of Peaches’ pores. So we should take in Thomas’ beauty while we still can.

Also at last night’s Dragon Tattoo premiere was anti-Kardashian activist Daniel Craig and some runaway Vulcan bride.

Peaches Geldof’s Boyfriend Had Me At Coolots

Rotten Peaches Geldof would go down on a snake if it was a guest editor at Vice Magazine or was the sometimes keytar player of a band who had a song on the Gummo soundtrack, so she usually has the worst taste in dudes. (Not like bitch is a prized kumquat herself.) But Peaches is finally rubbing her crotch marmalade on the right kind of beautiful dude who is obviously fluent in dressing like a Volvo-driving, Kenny G-humming, Celestial Seasonings-drinking suburban mother of the 1980s! I know you fell back in chair and shouted out, “MOM!!!????”

Peaches’ new piece is Thomas Cohen and he’s like a human version of one of the Erri Twins in the weekend wardrobe of a 1950s girl school head mistress. I bet he’s even wearing white cotton panties with no dick slot and baby blue roses on them. If I didn’t think his crotch was covered with a bacterial fungus from fucking on Rotten Peaches, I’d totally be in love!

The Oldest Trick In The Fame Whore Book

Fire up the “L. Ron Hubbard wedding minister” hologram, tell Suri Cruise to pull out her barley girl dress, and decorate the space car with cans, because there’s going to be a great big Scientology wedding (but probably not). Bruised Peaches Geldof and her boyfriend Eli Roth recently celebrated the impossible: SIX LONG MONTHS TOGETHER. It’s like celebrating an extra chunky skidmark on your favorite chonies that just can’t be scrubbed out. YAY! And here we thought that this beautiful union would end as soon as the drugs evaporated from Eli’s system. That trip keeps trippin’.

Peaches and Eli continued the celebrations last night by having dinner at The Ivy in London. Not only did Peaches wear a coat made from Eli’s freshly plucked butt hairs, but she also wore some kind of ring on THAT FINGER. A 14k publicity whore ring whose sparkles just scream “WRITE ABOUT ME!!!!” And here I am doing it.

Now I’m not saying that Eli didn’t propose to Peaches (all-you-can pump ass sex is a major selling point for marriage), but I am saying that the ring is most likely her promise to fame to keep fucking it until death (or the loss of all her Twitter followers) do them part!

What A Beautiful Couple….

And I’m not referring to Peaches Geldof and Eli Roth. There’s a good reason for why Eli Roth looks like a deer caught in a hairy no-no. The full picture from Cobrasnake (via ONTD) is after the jump. It’s not safe for work or if you’re eating something peanut butter-related. Cover your eyes, hold on to your partner’s hand and JUMP!

BAM! Behold Peaches Geldof trying to win a pose-off with the furriest pair of nalgas in all the forest at Jeremy Scott’s Coachella toga party this past weekend. Peaches tried to her best, but the second coming of Robin Williams’ ass beat her. That ass is seriously some Berenstain Bears Got Caught With Its Hand In The Caca Jar shit! Asshole looking like a guinea pig with a perm closing its eyes…..

Since we can’t get enough of gold furry creatures that growl when you pet them, let’s go in for a closer look:

I will say that gold-covered ass pubes really do compliment Peaches’ skin. And here’s one of Peaches with Eli:

Yeah, after seeing her with Eli, Peaches really does look better next to a field of ass hairs. I’ll give her that. More pictures at Cobrasnake if you dare or care.