Eli Roth Got Married To His Actress/Model Girlfriend This Weekend

Eli Roth, the man behind such works of pee-pantsing terror as Hostel, Hostel: Part 2, and the subsequent follow-up nightmares that played in my sleep every night for the 8 weeks following my viewing of Hostel and Hostel: Part 2, married his 22-year-old actress-slash-model girlfriend Lorenza Izzo in Chile on Saturday. Get it girl! Get that horror movie money!

Us Weekly says that 42-year-old Eli and H-to-the-Izzo exchanged vows in both English and Spanish on a beach in Zapallar, then ate a bunch of lamb and danced with their friends till 4am. They also ate popcorn out of boxes covered in pictures of themselves from various movies they’ve both been in (cut to all the memaws fighting over who gets the box with the picture of a sexy bat-wielding Eli from Inglourious Basterds on it). A guest also told Us Weekly the wedding of Eli and Lizzo McGuirenza had “a singer from Iceland, Brazilian dancers, and a standee for My Big Fat Chilean Wedding that everyone posed with!” “A singer from Iceland? Don’t tease, guest – was it or was it not Björk!

Eli Roth seems a spooky dude who cums fake blood and ghost screams, but I bet that behind all the scary is a soft-spoken stay-at-home type who curls up on the couch every night at 8pm with a home-made pumpkin spice latte to watch “his girls” (either Golden or Gilmore). Lorenza, on the other hand, may look like a boring model type, but check out those eyes – she got them Serial Killer Eyes! Those are the eyes you see staring back at you from behind a collection of rusty chainsaws in the basement of an abandoned house! I guess what I’m saying is – they’re perfect for each other? Mazel, you two nightmare makers!

Man Nipples Galore

Yes, the man nipples features in this man nipple buffet are not man nipples I’d ever request, but it’s a slow as hell Monday and we have to take what we can get! When the paparazzi hands me pictures of Ricky Martin’s freshly waxed nipples, Eli Roth’s furry chest knobs, the nipples that Trudie Styler pinches during a 6-hour tantric orgy and the nipples that Alan Thicke’s sperm co-built, it is my duty to post them.

Plus, I had a serious week last week, because I had to blog from California while helping a relative deal with a shitty issue that they made me promise not to blog about. (Note: The word “shitty” in shitty issue is not to be taken literally, so don’t grab my hand and take me there. Don’t.) So this chest clitorises of men gallery is just what I need even if I’m never going to look at Braille dots the same way again thanks to Robin Thicke’s nipples.

Here’s more of Ricky Martin giving an invisible beej (during a concert in Amsterdam), Eli Roth (in Ischia, Italy), Sting (also in Ischia, Italy) and Robin Thicke with Paula Patton in Miami.

The Oldest Trick In The Fame Whore Book

Fire up the “L. Ron Hubbard wedding minister” hologram, tell Suri Cruise to pull out her barley girl dress, and decorate the space car with cans, because there’s going to be a great big Scientology wedding (but probably not). Bruised Peaches Geldof and her boyfriend Eli Roth recently celebrated the impossible: SIX LONG MONTHS TOGETHER. It’s like celebrating an extra chunky skidmark on your favorite chonies that just can’t be scrubbed out. YAY! And here we thought that this beautiful union would end as soon as the drugs evaporated from Eli’s system. That trip keeps trippin’.

Peaches and Eli continued the celebrations last night by having dinner at The Ivy in London. Not only did Peaches wear a coat made from Eli’s freshly plucked butt hairs, but she also wore some kind of ring on THAT FINGER. A 14k publicity whore ring whose sparkles just scream “WRITE ABOUT ME!!!!” And here I am doing it.

Now I’m not saying that Eli didn’t propose to Peaches (all-you-can pump ass sex is a major selling point for marriage), but I am saying that the ring is most likely her promise to fame to keep fucking it until death (or the loss of all her Twitter followers) do them part!

What A Beautiful Couple….

And I’m not referring to Peaches Geldof and Eli Roth. There’s a good reason for why Eli Roth looks like a deer caught in a hairy no-no. The full picture from Cobrasnake (via ONTD) is after the jump. It’s not safe for work or if you’re eating something peanut butter-related. Cover your eyes, hold on to your partner’s hand and JUMP!

BAM! Behold Peaches Geldof trying to win a pose-off with the furriest pair of nalgas in all the forest at Jeremy Scott’s Coachella toga party this past weekend. Peaches tried to her best, but the second coming of Robin Williams’ ass beat her. That ass is seriously some Berenstain Bears Got Caught With Its Hand In The Caca Jar shit! Asshole looking like a guinea pig with a perm closing its eyes…..

Since we can’t get enough of gold furry creatures that growl when you pet them, let’s go in for a closer look:

I will say that gold-covered ass pubes really do compliment Peaches’ skin. And here’s one of Peaches with Eli:

Yeah, after seeing her with Eli, Peaches really does look better next to a field of ass hairs. I’ll give her that. More pictures at Cobrasnake if you dare or care.