Open Post: Hosted By Sir Patrick Stewart Celebrating His Golden Globe Nom

Bald-headed international treasure Sir Patrick Stewart got a Golden Globe nomination today for his performance in a TV show I’ve never heard of called Blunt Talk. I have no idea what it’s about, but I’m guessing it’s not a talk show where Sir Patrick and his best brofriend Sir Ian McKellen pass a blunt back and forth while discussing highly important issues. If that’s what it was about, I’d be that show’s most loyal viewer. But anyway, Sir Patrick celebrated his win by posing for a Twitter pic with his nipples out on a beach somewhere. Sir Patrick added these words to the pic:

Dear #HFPA I am so overjoyed by my @goldenglobes nomination I decided to coordinate my look today. #aquasocks

Congrats to Sir Patrick, but that picture shouldn’t have been uploaded, because it’s missing one very important thing: Sir Ian toasting to Sir Patrick while lounging on the beach in a merman tail. I would file an official complaint with Sir Patrick, but right now I’m too busy shaking my head at myself. Sir Patrick is more than twice my age and dude’s body situation is a million times better than mine. I really need to get on that Metamucil daiquiri (That’s what that is, right?) and Werther’s diet STAT.

Sir Ian McKellen Almost Became Homeless And It Was All Taylor Swift’s Fault!

Of course I’m being a *bit* dramatic, since we all know Sir Ian McKellen always has a couch at Sir Patrick Stewart’s house, and you’re never truly homeless when you live in the hearts of millions. But still! The point is that the wannabe Truly Scrumptious once put Gandalf’s ass out on the streets, and that’s how you guarantee yourself a one-way first class ticket to Hell.

Sir Ian recently outed Taylor Swift as the Sweet Valley High version of Benny Coffin III during a recent interview with the Gay Star News when he told the story about how he was evicted from his apartment by Tay Tay. Tay Tay was playing House Hunters in New York City and decided to buy Peter Jackson’s apartment. The only problem was, Sir Ian was crashing at Peter Jackson’s apartment at the time. Rather than doing the right thing and letting life legend Sir Ian keep squatting, she grabbed her Peppermint Rose stationary and a scented push-point pencil and told him to GTFO. According to Sir Ian, he was “thrown out” a month before he was supposed to leave. I don’t know where he went, but I just pictured Sir Ian wandering the streets of New York in the rain with a hobo bindle over his shoulder, and now I’m sad. THANKS TAYLOR.

Because Sir Ian is truly an angel sent from above, he claims he doesn’t hold a grudge against Taylor:

“Well she bought it, she’s every right to take it over. I was just lodging there for free you know.”

Although he’s not exactly rushing out to be one of her next “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guests either. When asked what it’s like to be part of Taylor’s “squad” (Taylor once Tweeted a collage of picture of Sir Ian and Sir Patrick), Ian confessed that she had asked Sir Ian and Sir Patrick to join her on stage during one of her shows in Los Angeles. But they politely declined because they “had something else to do that night” instead. Oooh, look out, Sir Ian and Sir Patrick; you’re about to become a song titled “Knights in Jealous Hater Armor.“

Benedict Cumberbatch’s Fiancee Does The “Hide The Bump” Pose At The Palm Springs Film Festival

The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.

Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.

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An Adorably Charming Patrick Stewart Corrects The Guardian After They Incorrectly Out Him As Gay

Yes, I picked this picture of Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen on purpose, and not because Sir Pat stuffing a wiener in his mouth while wearing a muscle shirt is 3 shades south of gay (if hot dogs in your mouth-hole is gay, then consider me Liberace snuggling a pomeranian on a pile of Rojo Caliente’s best flannel shirts). It’s adorable picture of two pals wearing matching hats and eating snacks at Coney Island and it makes me feel warm and snuggly inside. We should all be so lucky to have a best pal to wear matching clothes and eat snacks with.

The next time Tommy Girl decides to sue the pants off someone for calling him gay, he should stop for a second and remember how Sir Pat would handle the situation, because it will make him about a 1000 times more likeable. After Ellen Page’s public confirmation that she’s a teeny-tiny gayelle, The Guardian wrote a story about the endless praise and congratulations she received on Twitter, including a very nice tweet from Professor Xavier himself. However, I guess they forgot about his recent wedding to a lady because they wrote:

“Some gay people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page’s coming out speech is newsworthy because a high-profile and surprisingly politically aware young actress has decided not to play by the rules that so many closeted Hollywood actors are advised to follow if they are to enjoy mainstream success.”

Even though his best friend forever is an out-and-proud gay, Sir Pat is not. But instead of putting The Guardian on blast on Twitter or gift wrapping a defamation lawsuit, he politely reminded everyone that he wouldn’t be making the internet’s dreams come true by divorcing his wife and marrying Gandalf any time soon:

.@Poynter But @guardian I have, like, five or even SEVEN hetero friends and we totally drink beer and eat lots of chicken wings!

— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) February 18, 2014

Well, @guardian it makes for a nice change…at least I didn't wake up to the internet telling me I was dead again.

— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) February 18, 2014

The Guardian has since changed it from “Some gay people” to “Some people”, but it’s too late! The damage has already been done. You can’t casually refer to Sir Pat as gay and not expect the minds of every internet dork to be blown into a million pieces when they picture Professor Xavier asking Magneto for his hand in marriage. I hope The Guardian has a good lawyer, because they’re about to find themselves the subject of a class-action lawsuit (The Guardian vs. The People’s Extreme Happiness).

(Pic: Patrick Stewart)

A Tub Full Of Happy: Sir Patrick Stewart In A Lobster Costume On Halloween

The last time I found a member of the shellfish family floating in my tub, I was not happy to see that bitch, because it meant I had to take my ass to Walgreens to buy another box of RID. Did you know that with every purchase of a box of RID you get a complimentary judgmental glare from the Walgreens cashier ringing you up?

But you know, I wouldn’t be pissed about getting crotch crustaceans if every crotch crustacean had a face like Sir Patrick Stewart’s. The world would be a much happier place if you saw Patrick Stewart’s face smiling at you when you looked down at your crotch bush after getting an itch. Getting crotch crustaceans would be a fucking happy occasion if they all looked like this!

And Patrick Stewart’s looking at us like he wants us to provide the drawn better. Wink wink. Happy Hallowpeen from Sir Patrick Lobster!

via @sirpatstew

Sir Patrick Stewart Got Married (UPDATE)

I totally wouldn’t be surprised if Sir Patrick Stewart and his piece got stoned before getting married in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

73-year-old international treasure Patrick Stewart announced on Twitter today that he got married to his 35-year-old jazz singer girlfriend of 4 years Sunny Ozell. When Sunny Ozell gets beamed up to heaven, she will be directed to the VIP entrance when she says, “Hello, I was Patrick Stewart’s third wife.” Yes, Sunny Ozell is young enough to call Patrick Stewart “Pepaw Picard” for real, but she has very good reasons for marrying him : HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART, he’s a millionaire, he can easily get her a dinner invitation from George Takei and HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART.

Patrick Stewart’s rep confirms to HuffPo that he’s somebody’s husband, but the rep Super Glued their lips shut about all other details. Did he do all four takes when Sunny said “I do“? Did he perform a Shakespearean sonnet as his vows? (If the answer is yes, then he’ll probably win a few Tonys from it). And more importantly, did Magneto marry him and Sunny? If he did, then set phasers to YAAAAAASSSS!!!!

UPDATE: Ian McKellen posted this picture on Facebook with the note, “I did my part.”  Dreams do come true!

Here’s Patrick Stewart and Sunny O at the opera last year.

Pics: Splash