Open Post: Hosted By Carrie Fisher Repeatedly Slapping Oscar Isaac

Guatemalan-Cuban panty cream inducer Oscar Isaac said on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last year that during the filming of what would be Carrie Fisher’s last Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi, his face repeatedly tasted her slappin’ hand. It would be an honor to get bitch slapped by Carrie Fisher once, but Oscar Isaac is a lucky motherfucker who got bitch slapped by Carrie Fisher 27 times. It’s as if she was an abuelita and he was a shit-mouthed brat who cursed in front of her 27 times. Actually, that’s not factual. If I cursed in front of my abuelita 27 times, she wouldn’t need to hit me at all. She’d give me a glare so scary that I’d slap myself 27 times.

Oscar said that his slap scene with Carrie was the first scene he shot with her, and it was amazing to him. The Last Jedi was released on DVD (do people still use those?), and its bonus features includes a blooper reel. On that blooper reel is John Boyega busting moves with Kelly Marie Tran, and Oscar Isaac messing up his lines. But the star of the blooper reel is Carrie Fisher slapping Oscar Isaac into another dimension. Carrie slapped Oscar so many times that when it was all over, his cheek probably thought, “What’s this strange feeling called ‘not getting slapped down by Carrie Fisher’?”

That makes me sad. To think, one Hollywood executive may have looked at Carrie Fisher getting rough with Oscar Isaac and greenlighted a reverse gender May-December Fifty Shades of Grey starring her as Christina Grey and him as Anastasio Steele. Now that would be a truly sexy cinematic masterpiece.

Pic: YouTube

“Annihilation” Stars Natalie Portman And Jennifer Jason Leigh Responded To The Whitewashing Criticism

Oopsie daisy! Somebody let a book reading nerd into a press junket for the upcoming sci-fi movie Annihilation starring Natalie Portman and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Much to their surprise, said nerd from Yahoo Entertainment let Natalie and Jennifer know they they just received lifetime memberships into club Hollywood Whitewash! And it’s a terrible club where they serve grocery store sushi and Justin Timberlake and Macklemore are in constant rotation.

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Open Post: Hosted By Stunt Faller Jennifer Lawrence Almost Falling Again

Not a press tour goes by without Jennifer Lawrence almost munching the carpet by falling, so of course, she had a stage 2 tumble at a screening for X-Men: Apocalypse in London today. Jennifer Lawrence claims that her falls are completely organic and she doesn’t purposely do them to keep her image as the quirkiest quirky girl in the business alive, but bitch, please.

If you watch the riveting video from The Daily Mail below, you will clearly see that Ms. Tumble4YaAttention manages to get through a crowd of people without any problems, and when she gets out into a small open space where her fall will get as much attention as possible, she suddenly stumbles. I like how that woman in the purple, who I’m guessing is her publicist, just happens to be there to catch her fall. If you press your ear to that video, you can practically hear JLaw whisper, “And a 3..2..FALL,” to herself. You can’t fool me, JLaw!

And after JLaw performed the fall that she and a team of choreographers spent hours on in a studio somewhere, she posed with Oscar Isaac and James McAvoy who seemed to have an intense debate about her tits:

Or maybe they were arguing about her busted and ill-fitting Dior dress. Oscar thinks that it looks like a knock-off of a Windsor Fashion’s prom dress made with dyed muslin and James thinks it looks like a stripper’s wedding dress. Yeah, that’s probably what they’re arguing about it.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty, Instagram

To Fap Or Not To Fap: Adam Driver And Oscar Isaac Having An Intimate Moment On The Red Carpet

Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.

Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.

But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.

I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Daisy Ridley And Oscar Isaac Crooning Out A Christmas Song

The look Oscar Isaac is giving while reaching for Daisy Ridley’s hand is the exact same look I give while reaching for the maple dip in a Tim Hortons donut box.

During a Twitter Q&A to promote a little independent film that will barely break even (sarcasm level: 8 billion) called Star Wars: The Force Awakens, future millionaires Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac were asked if they would consider singing a duet together. As if a Star Wars Q&A wasn’t dampening the Internet’s panties enough, they went ahead and did it. Daisy and Oscar sang the beginning of “Baby It’s Cold Outside“, which I’m assuming they chose because it’s a royalty-free Christmas classic and they didn’t have any extra cash in the Star Wars marketing budget to pay Silk for the rights to “Freak Me.” That’s got to be it.

.@sherrilynling asks to Oscar and Daisy: can the two of you do a duet sometime? #TwitterAwakens pic.twitter.com/z6WkI3dXIa

— Star Wars (@starwars) December 5, 2015

I saw Inside Llewyn Davis, so I already knew that Oscar Isaac could sing. But what I didn’t know is that he could go full-Bublé. And I didn’t hate it! Wait a minute – maybe this is Disney’s way of subtly teasing a remake of the disaster that is the Star Wars Holiday Special. Normally this would be where I shout “Disney ruins EVERYTHING!!!“, but now that I think of it, a remake wouldn’t be such a bad thing.