Jon Is The New Kate

Hailey Glassman has been very quiet the past couple of weeks. I figured she devoured a shit load of weed which gave her a serious case of laryngitis and numb fingers making it nearly impossible for her to communicate to the media. Well, Hailey is back and she’s queefing about how Jon constantly punches her emotions. Now that Jon has his nutsack back the cunt tables have turned.

Hailey tells The Insider in an interview airing tomorrow night, “He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me? Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him. I don’t want to leave him all alone. At the end of the day, I love him but I dislike him at times. When I love someone I would never hurt them.”

Not only does Hailey face Jon’s wrath (which sounds as threatening as an angry baby turtle), but she also has to put up with people hating on her, “I met Jon in a bubble. “I’d never seen the show. I had no idea. People judge me before they meet me. I get threats everyday. I get called a home wrecker and a fat whore. People will stare or point. It gets worse everyday.”

So let’s go over this, shall we? Jon Grosselin is emotionally abusive, constantly does the lie lie mambo, throws something called “mantrums,” violates eyeballs by wearing nothing but douche rags and also has the body of a half-deflated hippo balloon? Why is exactly is Hailey screwing on him again? Oh yeah, fame is a serious drug.

And whenever someone calls Hailey a fat home wrecking whore, she should just pull a Sienna Miller and get revenge by fucking their man.

Andre Agassi Had A Meth Moment In The 90s

Andre Agassi is out peddling a new memoir which means he has to drop a few bombs in our laps to get us to pay attention. You know, Mackenzie Phillips gave us the “I did my daddy” grenade and Stephanie Tanner shot us with an “I snorted meth at the Olsen’s premiere” bullet. Well, Andre’s big bombshell is that in 1997 he traded his tennis balls in for meth baggies. Cue the angry mob screaming, “STRIP OF ALL HIS SHINY TROPHIES DATED 1997!!!!”

In Andre’s book called Open (yeah, I don’t know either), he writes about how he became one with crystal meth while he was married to Brooke Shields. Andre tells People, “I can’t speak to addiction, but a lot of people would say that if you’re using anything as an escape, you have a problem.” When he was asked if he was worried how his fans would feel about him being a meth head at one point, Andre answered, “I was worried for a moment, but not for long. … I wore my heart on my sleeve and my emotions were always written on my face. I was actually excited about telling the world the whole story.”

Excited about telling everyone he got hongray for meth? Who the hell does Andre think he is? Cristy from Intervention? Speaking of, last night they re-aired Cristy’s Intervention episode and that shit had me kissing my Sharpie and clearing out my bathroom cabinet of all medications (No, I didn’t do that). THIS IS METH:

Do you think Brooke has video of a nekkid-ass Andre Agassi throwing Ramen noodles across the room? Totally.

VIA People (Thanks Toddy)

Stephanie Tanner Was Probably High On Meth Here

Full House’s Jodie Sweetin has a new book out called “Unsweetined” (I guess “How Rooood” was already taken), which chronicles her road from child star to crackhouse resident. To promote the book, Jodie spent a little time with UsWeekly to basically tell them all the weird places she got fucked up at. The interview reads like a food journal for junkies! Or like the average Dlisted reader’s diary entry. This is what I’m talking about:

Jodie on getting the drunk barfs at Candace Cameron’s wedding:
“I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do.”

Jodie on driving drunk while her baby daughter was in the car:
“That was the big rock bottom. I had two glasses of wine and drove with her in the car. I not only put myself in danger, but also my daughter, who I loved more than anything. I felt terrible.”

Jodie on claiming to be sober on GMA even though she was fucked up:
“I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine.”

Jodie on doing meth in the bathroom at the premiere of the Olsen Troll’s movie New York Minute:
“I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn’t even look strung out!”

In Jodie’s defense, anybody who sat through New York Minute wishes they had given themselves a meth-enema before they watched it. And I’m guessing Kirk Cameron was at Candace’s wedding, so that explains why she swallowed 2 bottles of the sweet nectar. Yes, my real name is Michael “Enabler” Kay Kae.

Good Morning Beautiful

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you’ve got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you’ll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don’t even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing’s crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan’s face for the past few weeks. That’s very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here’s 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she’s appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn’t White Oprah in jail?

Ali Lohan Is On Her Way

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn’t enrolled in regular school, because she’s a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB’s Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what’s really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I’m not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it’s a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you’ll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.’s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her.” And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn’t seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close.” Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I’m not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here’s the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.

So Much For The Break-Up Rumors

And so much for everything I ate today fully digesting, because it’s all about to come pouring out of my ear, nose and mouth holes thanks to this picture of Jon Grosselin and Meth Brows doing a disgustingly horrific act together! This is a cruel act against humanity! Where is a rabid possum with a thirst for meth brows and douche dough when you need one?! We need to call our congressmen about this fuckery.

You know Jon and Methy only posed for Radar to shoot down the rumors that they are no longer bumping titties in between his Ed Hardy satin sheets. Okay, you two twats win. You’re still together. We surrender. Now please don’t ever do that shit again in public.

If you’re feeling masochistic, you can go on over to Radar to see even more pictures. If I were you, I’d consult my physician before, because this shit will make you ill.