Would You Hit It?

Here’s mega man slut Jim Carrey in Malibu yesterday with a girl who isn’t his daughter and looks so damn young she probably gets carded while trying to buy Gatorade. You nasty ole’ bitch, Jim. Jim’s new piece is probably all happy to be dating him, because she gets to drive in fancy cars, eat fancy foods in fancy restaurants and drink fancy drinks on the fancy side of Malibu. But wait until Jim throws a ginger wig on her head and makes her recite all of Emma Stone’s lines from Easy A while he tongues her belly button. There’s a price to pay for everything!

And, duh, I’d hit it. Look at those snow cone titties. You know how when you’re making meringue (because you’re ALWAYS making meringue) and the instructions say to whip until soft peaks form? That’s what Jim’s man chichis look like. Soft peaks in a bowl. So yeah, I’d hit it. But just try not to look at his torso if you’re ever on top, because it does have a face and sometimes its face looks like it’s judging you.

GOOPY Has Flaws?!

Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word “perfect” in Webster’s Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy’s main flaw is, let’s play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!

a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald’s commercial in its entirety and didn’t roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: “Why won’t you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta.”
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say “thank you” in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit “plops” instead of “dings” when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can’t tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn’t get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.

If you answered, “ALL OF THEM,” you’re probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with “c.” Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn’t. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.

“One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”

Fishy shouldn’t be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night’s Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.

Vintage The Situation

Here’s Jersey Shore’s The Situation, the teenage Don Knotts in the middle, and his siblings giving us a variety of eyebrow delicacies in their very own awkward family photo. Turtlenecking like champs!

Source: MTV via Buzzfeed

MICKEY ROURKE GOT A HAIRCUT! MICKEY ROURKE GOT A HAIRCUT!

Loki will lift his leg on your dreams tonight if you are thinking to yourself that Mickey Rourke didn’t cut his hair, it just finally got sick of clinging to his crater face so it quit that bitch. That is not true. That hair loved him like stank loves caca.

Anyways, Mickey finally cleaned the oil spill on his head by taking a machete to it. Mickey’s weekday maid is probably thanking the maker of scissors, because now she won’t get raisins on her fingers from spending hours scrubbing the grease out of his pillow cases in a tub full of hot water and Goo Gone.

And I happen to love Mickey’s new hair situation. It makes his moobies pop up real nice.

Still Waxing Those Nipples

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we’d get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top’s root. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, so we’ll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there’s a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver’s ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would…

Nothing Like A Little Billy Ray Cleavage In The Afternoon

So here’s Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus pointing at a jellyfish in Mexico and trying to figure out how it will taste if they stuff if it into an armadillo and roast it on a barbecue made from a wheel barrow. And while they’re focusing on that, I’m focusing on the B.U.M. Equipment tank top that is clinging on to Billy Ray’s titty nipples. B.U.M. fucking Equipment!

I haven’t seen a B.U.M. tank top since I wiped my forehead with one after choreographing a dance to a Mint Condition song in my mom’s garage (SPOILER ALERT: That was last month). You know Billy Ray’s got a pair of British Knights chanklas and a cock ring made out of snap bracelets. Bitch is the sharpest dressed possum at the ho down.