What The Hell Happened To D’arcy?!

D’arcy Wretzky, who was the bassist in Smashing Pumpkins, used to look like this and now she looks like that. No, this is not a picture of D’arcy from the Faces of Meth 2011 calendar. It’s D’arcy’s mug shot taken after she was arrested and jailed on an outstanding warrant in Michigan. D’arcy’s troubles started when a few horses on her farm quit this bitch and ran free through the streets of her neighborhood. The cops ticketed her ass, but she never paid and didn’t bother showing up to court. The warrant for her arrest was issued and here we are now.

TMZ reports that the cops brought D’arcy in on Tuesday and she’ll have to sit in a cell until this Monday.

Never mind that D’arcy is resting her head on a jail pillow that’s as thin as a manila folder for some wild horses shit while Lindsay Lohan is skipping the public streets without a care in the damn world. Never mind that.

Maybe D’arcy’s horses mistook her lips for a pair of snakes and they got the spooks! And the cloud of white smoke wafting out of her shed and dancing into their nostrils didn’t help. The most depressing thing about all of this is that D’arcy let her eyebrows go…..

Would You Hit It?

No, this is not a promo picture for a bootleg version of Bodies…The Exhibition held at the Pensacola Interstate Fair. This is a picture 22-year-old Aaron Carter posted on his Twitter to show all of his followers that he’s now as ripped as a bodybuilding toddler on Muscle Milk brand meth. THE FUCK… is right.

If Aaron has bulgy veins straight out of Ren & Stimpy on his body imagine the swole vein action on his peen?! Do they make vag guards, because any chick that rides on Aaron is going to need one if she doesn’t want to suffer a damn snatch fracture. The same goes for your mouth, because the last thing you want to be telling people is that you cracked your toof while sucking on Aaron Carter’s capillary cock. Dick vein so hard that it will give a bitch Jack-O-Lantern mouth.

That being said, call my dentist and tell him to set aside a new Chiclet for me, because I’d hit it. Well, you know I’ve got a thing for turkey jerky and meth abs.

Source: Tabloid Prodigy via ONTD

It’s Boo Boo!

Central Park is no stranger to hosting junked out meth faces with bulging “wheresmynextfixwheresmynextfix” eyes, greasy hair and thirstay lips, so it warmly welcomed Boo Boo the Chihuahua into its field this afternoon.

According to Guinness Book of World Records, Boo Boo is the world’s smallest dog! Boo Boo is 4 inches tall, 6.5 inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds. This isn’t official, but I’m sure Boo Boo is also the world’s smallest crackhead! I mean, why is she giving me a look like she’ll follow me all the way home unless I give her a dollar or my watch. And I totally would. I bet Boo Boo smokes the tiniest crack rock on the tiniest doll spoon. That’s kind of adorable, actually.

NO! Boo Boo is not the Pete Doherty of toy Chihuahuas. Boo Boo is just scared as hell. If a baby butterfly could take you in a street fight and a human fart could send you flying into the next dimension, you too would be frightened as all fuck. But Boo Boo really has no reason to be terrified, though. The wings on her gorgeous owner’s hair will protect her now and for all time.

Here’s more of the dog who is smaller than some dicks promoting the new Guinness Book of World Records 2011 in NYC today. The world’s tallest dog (at 3 feet 5 inches) Giant George was also there! George is looking at Boo Boo like: “My nutsack is bigger than you.”

Somebody Is Marrying This Fine Thing

Aaron Carter, who has a face that can make any meth pipe swoon, is engaged to be married for the second time in his twenty….um…twenty….err…twenty…hurg….twenty….spit…twenty….no, even I can’t type that out with straight fingers. Just click here for his age.

Anyway, Aaron proposed recently to his 19-year-old student/dancer/sadomasochist girlfriend Maile Hochuli in the middle of watching Alice in Wonderland at the movie theater.

Some source tells Star Magazine, “Aaron took Maile to the movie Alice in Wonderland, which she has been dying to see. She didn’t get to see the end of the movie though because Aaron got down on a knee and proposed with a beautiful pear shaped diamond ring! Maile was completely overjoyed and said yes immediately! Aaron and Maile have only been dating for a short period of time but they are both extremely happy. This is the happiest I have ever seen Maile.”

I’m sure the other hos in the theater were thrilled when Aaron interrupted the movie. You know some pissed off bitch asked for the manager for a refund after they were forced to watch Aaron’s face contort like a ready-to-explode hemorrhoid while crying in front of his girlfriend when she accepted his proposal. Not even processed butter can kill that taste in your mouth.

Aaron was last engaged to that tragic gutter creature Kari Ann Peniche, but it only lasted a quick second. Aaron’s relationship to this Maile girl will last longer, I’m sure. She’s young, so her heart can take it when she opens up her eyes to that face every morning.

Aaron Carter Assumes The Position

Aaron Carter is really starting to look like a middle-aged recovering junkie who spends his lunch hour jacking off in his ’93 Ford F-150 to unsuspecting ladies pumping gas at a BP station in Lakeland, FL. I pretty much swooned at that description. I’m fanning myself as we move on…

Aaron visited some gifting suite at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Tampa yesterday to get a massage from Raven-Symone (above) and also collect a bunch of free crap he’s going to sell on eBay to make his car note this month.

Among the free shit Aaron took home was something called a WeVibe sex toy. I’ve never heard of that shit, but it’s been around for years and the goddess of sex toys Sue Johanson named it the top fuck toy of 2008. Here’s the demonstration video.

I’m not sure about this. The narrator sounds like she should be reading fairytales to children instead of talking about a fuck toy, so that killed the mood. Also, IN THIS ECONOMY couldn’t you just re-purpose a pair of rubber salad tongs and use that instead?

It’s A Stunt, So Says Hailey Glassman

Jon Grosselin’s douche cave was ransacked on Saturday, and he believes that his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman had everything to do with it! The Ed Hardy Slasher left behind a note and signed it with Hailey Glassman’s name. This is why I’m not sure if she had anything to do with it. Would that bitch be THAT stupid to sign the note with her own name? Okay, okay, I hear all of you screaming “YES” in my ear. Meth Brows would be that dumb, but I still think this was a stunt orchestrated by the douche master himself. And Meth Brows’ lawyer agrees.

Hailey’s lawyer told Radar, “It appears to be a huge publicity stunt. The police investigation is still ongoing and we are sure the investigation will reveal that someone is trying to frame Hailey. There are no charges against Hailey. I don’t think they are even considering her as a suspect in a crime. It appears that somebody, and I don’t know who that might be, or what their motive might be, is framing her. The detectives are still working on it.”

But Jon’s lawyers seem to think that Hailey’s meth face will soon be covered by a fat crotch belonging to her cell mate in prison. Jon’s lawyer told Radar, “Hailey Glassman is going to jail. It’s a simple as that. The building security tape will not lie and the evidence will speak for itself.”

The evidence will speak for itself?! Who the hell does Jon’s lawyer think he is? Wadsworth from Clue? Personally, I think the only real suspect in this case goes by the name of Karma. And not Karma Chameleon, the drag queen from Orlando who tried to steal my fuck partner right in front of me.