Kate’s Rabid Possum Hair Is Rejoicing!!!!!!

InTouch Weekly says that the douchey-tale romance between Ed Hardy’s favorite butt buddy and Meth Brows has come to an end. Yes, you might as well quit your fuck time partner now, because if these two can’t make it, nobody can. True love does not exist. It’s confirmed.

A friend of Hailey Glassman (aka her weekday dealer) said that she’s the one who killed their 4-month relationship, because Jon is a manwhore who will stick his pasty peen in anything that doesn’t hiss or bark at him. Hailey knew something in the milk wasn’t clean when Jon would regularly come home wearing different clothes he left in. Jon would tell Hailey that he just spilled a drink on himself. LIES. Jon’s Ed Hardy t-shirts induce vomiting, so someone probably just barfed all over him after seeing the fuggery on his body.

The final straw came when Jon took his douche act to Las Vegas even though Meth Brows begged him not to go. The source went on to queef, “When Jon came back, he said very little to Hailey, but his phone spilled the details. He had several text messages and photos taken with girls, including a showgirl. Hailey was shocked that he didn’t bother to delete any of it from his phone.”

Jon isn’t that smart in the brains, so I doubt he knows the delete button exists. And I’m more SHOCKED that he actually knows how to take pictures with his phone. Still can’t wipe his ass on his own, but can take pictures with his phone. Boggled!

Jon really must be crying into his Ed Hardy panties today, because he recently said Meth Brows was is “soulmate” and he loves more than he ever loved Kate. And while Jon is doing that, Meth Brows can try to reconcile with her first and ONLY love: The potted plant who got away.

Luann McKinnley Knows What’s Important

52-year-old Luann McKinnley was just trying to bring home the bacon when she stuffed 3 pounds of oinky deliciousness into her purse. Luann, who is (or was) an employee at Perkins restaurant in Florida, was busted after some nosy ass HATING co-worker witnessed her stealing the bacon and called the police. The police arrived and brought the bacon smuggler in.

While searching her purse at the station, officers not only found the bacon, but they also found some kind of illegal drug and contraband. Luann was charged with snatching the bacon and possession of the bad shit. She is currently marinating in a cell on $5,500 bond.

This article didn’t say what kind of bad shit Luann was caught with, but just take a quick look at her face and you decide. Luanne’s face is sponsored by THIS SITE. But you know, I can’t really fully hate on Luann. Homegirl knows what makes up a delicious and nutritious breakfast: bacon and scrambled meth.

The Things We Do For Love (And Heroin)

Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron, is currently sitting in a jail cell after he got caught trying to move a bunch of meth from NYC to LA in order to sell it. Because dude is behind bars, he hasn’t really been able to get a hit of the bad shit. And that’s where his girlfriend/mule comes in….

Radar reports that Cameron’s dumb bitch of a girlfriend, Kelly Sott, decided it would be a really ingenious idea to stuff dime bags of heroin into an electric toothbrush in order to get it by jail security. Sonicare full of grace!

While visiting with him yesterday, Kelly tried to pass him the shit, but bitch got caught. Did this trick think Jessica Simpson was a prison guard there, because anybody with half-a-brain-cell could probably see that something shifty was going down. I mean, a toothbrush? Junkies don’t brush! Kelly was immediately arrested and the word FAIL was stamped across her forehead.

Kelly might as well have skipped on in with a giant gift box marked “HEROIN 4 Cameron” on it. Meanwhile, Cameron will just have to deal with those druggy shakes and continue to try to get high by licking the radiator and snorting man chowder (his cell mate’s idea).

Michael Douglas’ Son Busted For Trying To Sell Meth

CZJ’s 30-year-old stepson got in trouble AGAIN for fucking with the bad shit. Cameron Douglas was arrested on July 28th at the Gansevoort Hotel in NYC for trying to move $18,000 worth of meth to L.A. with the intent to sell. The New York Post says that the bust was part of some undercover sting operation.

Cops found Cameron at the Gansevoort where he had been living for quite some time in a room paid for by daddy. Apparently, the place looked like the “before” pictures on Clean House and Cameron was totally strung out.

This is Cameron’s third time getting arrested. In 2007, he found himself in a jail cell holding his asshole for dear life after cops found liquid cocaine and a syringe in his car. In 1999, he was caught buying coke from a dealer.

This is like Traffic: The Reality Show! Let me guess, Cameron was forced to suck on the peens of old skeezers in order to keep the bad shit coming in? And a methfaced Topher Grace was there, sitting in the corner. Hmmm…Luis Guzman should probably stay away from cars for a while.

And in a gutter somewhere, both Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan are breathing a sigh of relief, because they have one less dealer to pay. Their lucky day!

Hailey Loves Jon’s Butter Concoction

Jon Gosselin’s 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman talked to People Magazine about her relationship with Kate’s former punching ballsack. Yeah, I’m a little disappointed that Hailey didn’t choose to break her silence on an episode of Jerry Springer. It would’ve been more fitting. And Kate’s possum hair could have made a surprise appearance and mauled off Hailey’s lopsided meth brows. Sigh.

Anypeopleprobablypaidherinrocks, Hailey said she started getting feelings for Jon after he split up with Kate in May and spent some time at her parents’ house in NYC, “If you had told me a few months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you.” Obviously, Hailey’s parents are fine with Jon rubbing his fopa all over their daughter’s body, “They think of him as part of the family. They think things happen for a reason. The most important thing is if someone fits in with my family … This is perfect. It just fits.”

When asked about what kind of things they do together, Hailey left out “eating pot brownies out of each other’s sex holes” but did say they like to “watch movies, play pool and ping pong. We laugh a lot because I beat him at everything. He’s a great cook. He cooks roasted veggies with special seasoning and sauces, and he grills pineapple with a butter concoction.”

BUTTER CONCOCTION?! Does Hailey realize People is a family publication?! We don’t need to know that she likes it when Jon spreads his dick butter concoction all over her grilled pineapple. Even Sandra Lee is frowning at that.

Lastly, Hailey actually WENT THERE with Kate. People asked Hailey about what Jon likes about her and she said, “I’m a huge believer in not controlling someone. I’ll give my opinion but tell him to do what he wants to do. He said, ‘I’m just not used to having an option.’ I told him life is about options.”

THIS BITCH! I want to like Hailey, because she’s a mega stoner who would totally suck a dick for a $1 cashiers check, but she didn’t need to bring Kate into this. Too soon. Set your timer for six months and try again.

Hailey shouldn’t be surprised when she walks down the street and every possum in the neighborhood is hissing and clawing at her ass.

The Machinist: The Sequel

Christian Bale is really fucking serious. When dude plays a crackhead, he goes all the way. He crawls into the mind of Amy Wino and doesn’t let go until the last “cut” is screamed. This is Christian on the set of The Fighter in L.A. yesterday. Dude plays a boxer turned crackie. Judging by those clothes, it looks more like he’s playing Screech in a dark and dramatic sequel to Saved By The Bell.

That apple is probably the only thing he’s nibbled on in days. Seriously, food and him are fucking done professionally…and personally. My stomach is weeping at the thought of how he lost all that weight. He probably just hung around Lindsay HoHan for an hour or two. Learn from the best!

And I’m guessing this is what you would call “meth hair.”