The Time A Magic Mike Extra Tried To Finger Matthew McConaughey’s Ass

At The New York City Film Circle Awards, Steven Soderbergh told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo) about the Magic Mike extra who obviously didn’t get the memo that finger fucking anybody in the culito without permission is not appropriate ever (“Says who?” – John Travolta). Steven says that while filming a scene (I’m guessing this scene), one extra got a little McConaughey butt syrup on her nail when she tried to give him an impromptu prostate exam.

“While we were shooting Matthew’s script sequence, one very impassioned woman extra pulled his G-string off and tried to stick her finger up his butt. And when I remembered that, I thought, You know, where I come from, you stand up for a guy who brings that kind of game to your movie.”

Where in the hell does Steven Soderbergh come from? Finger Fuck Town? Can I get the exact GPS coordinates, please. It’s for research!

When Vanity Fair asked the Texas T-Rex about getting anally molested, he sort of laughed it off and said that he didn’t think she was trying to poke through his skin blossom:

“I don’t think she was trying to stick her finger up my butt. She was trying to put it somewhere, though, and you got it on film. It worked out.”

If you read me that quote and didn’t tell me it came from the Texas T-Rex’s mouth and told me that Grant Bowler said it about Lindsay Lohan during the filming of Liz & Dick, I’d totally believe you.

Another Baby For Matthew McConaughey And Camila Alves (UPDATE)

It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn’t pass around pink or blue joints since he’s only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila’s cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can’t take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.

The Texas T-Rex hasn’t said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People’s source needs to be a better source, because they don’t know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don’t know the kid’s name. Useless source!

Matthew and Camila’s 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin’ La Vida Loca!

UPDATE: Matthew and Camila had a boy and they didn’t name his ass Loca. If Matthew didn’t temporarily break up with his bong to starve his way to an Oscar, he totally would’ve named him Loca. They named him Livingston instead. BOO!

The Texas T-Rex Is Really Starving His Way To That Oscar

Taco Bell executives are bawling into each other’s arms, because it’s been months since Matthew McConaughey has pulled up to one of their drive-thrus and said, “Alright alright alright, just throw everything on the menu into a blender, liquefy for 20 seconds and pour directly into my slop hole” after a major bonge binge. The Texas T-Rex temporarily broke up with his true love, the good shit, a few months ago, because he needed to shrink himself to the size of a Marc Anthony to play the lead role in The Dallas Buyer’s Club. Matthew is playing real-life person Ron Woodruff, a womanizing homophobic junkie who got HIV in the mid-80s from dirty needles and later became an important AIDS activist.

After months of only eating protein and very little carbs, Matthew left LAX on Friday to finally begin shooting TDBC in Texas New Orleans with Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner. Matthew long said that his goal is to not look healthy and he definitely achieved that. Dude’s head looks like it’s trying to escape from his neck and his normally stubby T-rex arms look extra long. Dude looks like a caricature drawing come to life. If he does get that Oscar, they should give him a trophy that’s gold foil on the outside and chocolate on the inside.

Matthew can easily gain all the weight back just by sniffing something deep fried at The Texas State Fair, but he should try to keep all the weight off so that he can play the Toys ‘R Us giraffe in a biopic. That’s how he’ll really get that Oscar he wants. But seriously, dude looks like a giraffe. I want to drive up next to him in a Jeep and feed him leaves.

Matthew McConaughey And Camila Alves Are Fertile

Matthew McConaughey took a break yesterday from celebrating his Fourth of July by busting the national anthem on his bongos drums while only wearing American flag nipple tassels and he jumped on Twitter to tell his followers that ANOTHER fetus has moved into Camila Alves’ uterus. So instead of just 2 kids screaming “DAAAAAAAAD!” in a few years after seeing the Texas T-Rex clench his greasy nalgas in Magic Mike, there will be 3! Here’s Matthew’s latest BABY!!! announcement and it helps if you read it while picturing him saying it in a leather vest and a matching leather thong.

happy birthday America, more good news, Camila and I are expecting our 3rd child, God bless, just keep livin

You’d think that the Texas T-Rex’s sperm fishes are as stoned as him, so they’d take their time in making their way to Camila’s ovaries and play beats on her eggs like a bongo instead of doing what they’re supposed to do…. But nope, his sperm fishes get shit done!

Matthew and Camila’s 2-year-old is named Vida and their 3-year-old is named Levi, so obviously they’re going to stick with the 4 letter name. I’m guessing they’ll go with Bong McConaughey.

Too Many Clothes Were Worn At Last Night’s Magic Mike Premiere

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN’T with him for wearing a guido’s funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don’t want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, “Take all them panties off, mister!” That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes’ clothes. Somebody has to.

I’ve already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you’re going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

“Smell My Finger”

Here’s People showing us the EXCLUSIVO picture of Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey’s wedding they got in exchange for a bag of purple haze ganja and a bongo drum that doubles as a bong.

Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic ‘N’ Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn’t wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.

“We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we’ll take together.”

Translation: “I’M BAKED, MAN.” 

I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender “I’m going to poke at you to see if you’re real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination” pose.