Category: Make That Money
Shock Of All Shocks: Star Wars Is Going To Make A Buttload Of Money This Weekend
That’s great news, because if anyone deserves a solid-gold doggy spa filled with Snausages and gravy, it’s international treasure and former Hot Slut Gary Fisher. And now Carrie Fisher can finally splurge on such an expensive luxury item, because her bank account is about to explode harder and faster than all the nerds did on opening night.
In the event you’re an alien who just moved here from a planet that doesn’t receive WiFi signals from Earth, or you’re an Amish teen on Rumspringa, a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened on Friday, and it has already made enough money to pay for Jabba the Hutt’s excess skin removal surgery five times over. Deadline says that as of Saturday morning, movie people have estimated that SW:TFA will make somewhere between $246 million and $254 million, which would be an all-time record opening. Jurassic World is the current opening weekend record holder, with $208 million.
It’s beating a bunch of records too. Deadline says SW:TFA is now the highest-grossing opening day film ever, beating out former #1, Harry Potter 8. Disney says that Star Wars made $120.5 million on Friday, $100 million of which was made in the first 20 hours of its release. To put that into perspective, that’s 10 Aloha opening weekends, or roughly 75 Jems. So basically, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the Adele of movies.
To be honest, I’m SHOCKED that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has made such little money. $254 million? That’s nothing! This is Star Wars we’re talking about, and a legitimate Star Wars (sorry, Jar Jar). I’m more surprised that it wasn’t able to pass the trillion-dollar mark. Did die-hard Star Wars fans not quit their jobs and give 60 days notice on their apartments two months ago so they could move into the movie theater and watch Star Wars 2,800 times in a row like I assumed they would? Hang your head in shame, you should.
Pic: Splash
David O. Russell Has Thoughts About Jennifer Lawrence’s Wage Gap Essay
Last week, professional cool cousin Jennifer Lawrence wrote a long essay for Lenny about how pissed off she was about the Hollywood wage gap. Thanks to the Sony hack, JLaw discovered that the numbers on her paycheck for American Hustle were a lot smaller than those of the guys she worked with, and that made JLaw frown harder than the time she released a massive pizza burp and there was no one around to hear it. Now the director of American Hustle and JLaw’s upcoming film Joy, David O. Russell, is chiming in with his thoughts. Because just like their dramatic on-set screaming matches, David O. Russell always has to get the last word.
Bono Has Made More Money Off Facebook Than He Ever Made From U2
As if you couldn’t have already guessed, Bono – seen above on the fancy-ass boat he uses to get to and from his fancy-ass yacht in St. Tropez – is rich as fuck. Technically, we already knew that, since U2 has been touring forever and tickets to a U2 concerts usually cost $900 and your choice of limb (and limbs go for big money on the black market). But it turns out the money Bono has been making from hollering out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” is peanuts compared to the checks he’s been receiving from Mark Zuckerberg.
According to the Mirror UK (via Page Six), Bono bought a 2.3 percent share in Facebook back in 2009 for almost $76 million. As anyone who has every listened to Suze Orman talk about money knows, money grows. And in the six years since Bono made Facebook his bottom bitch, his $76 million share is now worth $1 billion. That frantic splashing sound you just heard was Lindsay Lohan doing the get money bitch backstroke from her current yacht in St. Tropez to Bono’s.
The Mirror says that Bono now holds the title of Richest Pop Star IN THE WORLD, beating out Paul McCartney, who is worth $818 million, and Madonna, who is worth a pathetic $582 million.
I quit Facebook years ago because I kept getting too many messages from spammers asking if I wanted to make some easy money sitting on my ass. Looks like they were (sort of) right. You can make money from Facebook, and you can do it sitting on your ass. Just ask Bono! Or better yet, just wait for the inevitable round of mass spam emails that start with: “Hi do u like money? <–My name is Bono and I make $66,750 a day off Facebook ask me how NOW!”
Pic: Splash
Tila Tequila Really Wants Back Into The Celebrity Big Brother House
Even though the people in charge of Celebrity Big Brother have made it clear they want nothing to do with her or her one-time Nazi-sympathizing ass, Tila Tequila is trying anyway. The former MySpace celebrity and current self-employed phone sex operator wants you to know that she’s very sorry for that time in her life when she was doodling Hitler’s name all over her Trapper Keeper, and that she hopes Channel 5 would be willing to give her a second chance in the CBB house. “Yeah, people aren’t usually so quick to forget that kind of stuff” said the ghost of Jesse James’ career.
People says that shortly after CBB kicked Tila Tequila to the curb, she had her rep draft up an “I’m so sorry, and here’s why” statement and released it to the world. According to Tila’s statement, her crush on Hitler was the result of depression and a drug addiction, and that she’s not about that life anymore because she wants to be a good role model for her daughter. She also throws in a part about slithering back into the CBB house, because Tila Tequila knows not of the word shameless.
The Dude From Josh Duggar’s Fake OkCupid Profile Claims He Has Lost Work Because Of This Mess
Isn’t there a part in the Bible that says “And if thy decides to seeketh side pieces, try not to ruin the career of the random dude whose picture thou taketh to use on your dating website profile“? I’m pretty sure there is.
So, remember when family values cheer captain Josh Duggar got caught with a secret OkCupid profile? And remember how he used a picture of some random guy instead of his own because, duh, his real face is pretty much a giant red flag for vaginas? Well, it looks like Josh Duggar has managed to screw more than just a bunch of chicks he met online. The random guy whose picture he used as his own recently told TMZ that this mess with Josh Duggar has screwed over his chances of getting work.
Matthew McCarthy, the dude seen flexing in a Hatebreed shirt in the OkCupid profile above, is actually a model and DJ from Hollywood. But he might soon be a server at Shakey’s if Josh Duggar keeps costing him work. Matthew claims that he’s already lost one DJ job because the club thought he was part of Josh’s schadenfreude-filled sex scandal. Matthew feels Josh’s use of his picture and subsequent job loss is somehow a defamation of his character, and is thinking about skipping down to a lawyer’s office. TMZ thinks Josh probably found Matthew’s picture by typing the words “random guy” into a Google image search, since Matthew’s picture is the third one to come up when you do that.
I’m no marketing major, but firing Matthew seems like a missed publicity opportunity to me. “One night only, DJ Not Josh Duggar, the face of the Josh Duggar sex scandal, spinning all your favorite hits. And just like Josh would want it, ladies are free before eleven.”
Pic: Gawker
Kylie Jenner Is Getting At Least $100,000 To Booze It Up In Canada On Her 18th Birthday
Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.
TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age. So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.
But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.
And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.
