I guess the anatomy lessons Lea Michelle gave to Jonathan Groff back in their Spring Awakenings days must have included a skills lab on kissing ass because here he is years later teaching a master class on the subject. As we know, right now Lea’s the talk of the town with her turn as Fanny Bryce in Funny Girl, having taken over the role from Beanie Feldstein who was having difficulties getting butts in seats even once, let alone the multiple times a night Lea gets their asses clapping in standing ovation. As for her own ass, which got handed to her last year by scores of former coworkers who reported her shitty behavior with much glee, Jonathan’s buffed it to a glossy shine with his lips by penning a “tribute” for Variety in which he all but credits Lea for single-handedly saving Broadway, and by extension New York City itself. Which leads me to ask, what the hell did Jonathan see when he looked inside Lea’s pussy? Was it God?
Or does he owe her money? Because he does mention Lea’s Grandfather, Porky, served time in prison because of his ties with the Gambino crime family. Which actually does explain a lot. Jonathan writes (via Variety):
Lea Michele and I met 17 years ago, at the audition that led us to playing opposite each other in “Spring Awakening.” I was from the farmlands of Lancaster, Penn., and Lea was this tough kid from the Bronx. She already had three Broadway credits to her name, while I was inexperienced, closeted and scared of her. At 18, she was sharp, funny, frank and saw everything.
Lea told me that before she found success on the stage, she and her family were scraping by. Her mom was a nurse, and her dad worked at the family deli in the Bronx. The morning they got the call that Lea, then 8, would be making her Broadway debut in “Les Misérables,” she spent the day bagging food at the register. This was 1995, and her grandfather, Porky, was still in prison for his ties to the Gambino crime family. Lea would visit him once a month on her days off from the theater. Learning how to deal with that complexity, combined with her success as a child actor, turned Lea into the force that I fell in love with in our early years.
I’m picturing Lea sitting across from Pop-Pop Porky in the pokey while he gives her sage advice like, “Tell this girl you will shit in her wig and see if she doesn’t start kissing your ass!” No wonder Jonathan takes his job so seriously. There seems to be no purpose to this “tribute” other than to prove his allegiance to Lea. It’s listed under “theater news,” but the only hard fact I can find buried under all the fluff is the post-comma clause of this sentence— “When her undeniable star power lit up the stage in “Funny Girl” last month, the musical became the fifth-highest-grossing show on Broadway.” The rest is madness.
By bringing big business back to Broadway, Lea isn’t just making audiences happy, she’s helping support the restaurants and hotels that thrive when Broadway draws a huge crowd.
But it’s not a one-way street. By welcoming her back to Broadway, New York is giving Lea the power to reconnect with her truest self. The power of New York finally brought her home.
Meanwhile, Lea’s Glee co-star Chris Colfer has obviously never seen the wonders that lie within Lea’s hypnotic chooch because he’s in Lea’s town right now and has zero desire whatsoever to reconnect with Lea’s truest self. He’s met her ass before and was not impressed. Today on The Michelle Collins Show on Sirius XM, Chris was invited to see the show, and he responded, “Oh, my day just suddenly got so full.” And when asked if he plans to see it at all while he was in town, he responded, “No, I could be triggered at home.” Pop-Pop Porky tried to warn her about this type of betrayal but did she listen? No. She was probably too busy practicing runs while he was explaining how to escalate from threats of wig-shitting to making sure her enemies are so traumatized they can’t look at a wig or a pussy ever again without breaking down into hysterics.
Wow, Chris just permanently moved himself from Lea’s Christmas list to her shit list, and he won’t even know it until he opens his next card.
Pic: Dave Allocca/Starpix/INSTARimages/Cover Images