“Adele Is A Little Too Fat” And Other Drops Of Wisdom From Kunty Karl

The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro’s Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he’s dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele’s voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro’s interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:

On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: “I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: “If I was a woman in Russia I would be a lesbian, as the men are very ugly. There are a few handsome ones, like Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend, but there you see the most beautiful women and the most horrible men.”

On M.I.A.’s middle finger: “Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it’s not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what’s new about that? It’s just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.”

On how Michelle Obama’s face is made of magic: “Yes he does, especially because of Mrs. Obama. I’m a big fan of Mrs. Obama – and her face, I think, is magical. He would not be there without her. Mrs. Obama is not a fashion statement, but she has other things to do. My favorite thing about Mrs Obama was when she was asked if her skirt was not too tight and she answered “Why you don’t like my big black ass?” I want [Barack] Obama to win because there is nothing better anyway, and especially because of her.”

On how you will never find him in a voting booth unless a virgin maiden he happened to be chasing ran in there to hide: “I never voted in my life. I will never vote. I know too much about politics from what’s going on backstage. To vote you have to believe all that garbage that they promise you, and they can’t keep those promises. If someone gave me an Obama pin, I would just put it on.”

So if you’re walking through a dark alley in Paris late at night and you hear a German cackle rushing up behind you, you better hope that you’re a fat, knocked up, Russian male bimbo whose middle finger is always erect, because Kunty Karl won’t dare feed on your ass.

More Words Of Wisdom From Kunty Karl

In an interview with Style.com, the reigning fashion lord of the House of the Death Eaters continued to make his leader Voldemort’s nose slits tingle by sounding off on everything from guests at the royal wedding (“the bad proportions, the ugly hats, the short skirts on fat legs“) to if he ever graces the front of a TV screen with his presence (“I like if I’m on TV; watching it is not my specialty.”) But his thoughts on Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly raping a maid is what really put another layer of dark soul dust on the nails of his victims stuck up into his gums. Kunty Karl basically just waved his leather glove like, “horny old rich men will be horny old rich men who happen to rape maids.“

“I love DSK. I love his wife. They are great people and when they came back to Paris I sent them flowers. But you know, for people in politics, it’s very embarrassing. On the left they had hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I think other people want his job. And on the other side…but even in America, Clinton survived his blow job.

They all do it in the political world. They get horny from politics, from power. And he had unbelievable charms. He is really charming. He’s fun, he’s great. He’s a sweet guy—as long as you’re not a woman. That’s the problem.”

May the ash-covered nest of insect antennas on Kunty Karl’s head never find a signal that transmits reasonable thoughts to his brain, because I love it when he doesn’t make any sense and continues to spew out ridiculousness. Only Kunty Karl can compare rape to getting your dick sucked in the oval office by a willing trick. And yes, DSK is just a horny ball of charms and fun. One of the first things that maid said to the police was, “Yes, he raped me, but I couldn’t help it! He was so damn charming. And since I was born with a vagina, I should’ve known better!”

Oh, Kunty Karl. Let me kunt the ways….

Meanwhile, In The Lair Of The Death Eaters….

Kunty Karl gritting his grave dust teeth as he grins like he just let out his final fart (and is loving it) and Anna Wintour making a smug face like a pug in a wig smelling her secret enemy’s final fart (and is loving it) could only mean one thing: they’re the ones who sent Madge that hydrangea!!!!

BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEE

Death Eaters: 1
Vampires: Zeerio! (I’m trying to speak British so Madge understands me.)

Life Would Be So Difficult For Kunty Karl If He Had An Ugly Daughter

For the new issue of Interview Magazine, Kunty Karl and the former editor of French Vogue Carine Roitfeld had a conversation that was so pretentiously narcissistic that they made Fishsticks Paltrow seem like a humble peasant who knows nothing of outdoor wood burning pizza ovens or rabbit fur tampons.

With their pristinely clean colons wrapped around their heads, Carine and Kunty Karl talked about being beyond rich (“You’re in your jet—you don’t have a grip on reality. We can lose touch with reality quite easily.) and how she was a prisoner of Vogue ( “You were literally jailed before.”), but the bitch cherry on top of the bitch sundae dropped when he went on about children.

Kunty Karl told Carine that his dead insides would die again if he had to raise a daughter who had a face like his. This is the ridiculous piece of solid gold shit that twirled off of Kunty Karl’s tongue when the subject of Carine’s chirruns came up:

“Yes, no one can say that you don’t take care of them. You’re also lucky because they are very beautiful. It would have been difficult to have an ugly daughter.

If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids. But for men, I don’t believe in it.”

That shit confirms that vampire zombies can’t see their own reflection in mirrors, because I love how Kunty Karl isn’t even bringing up the fact that it would be even more difficult for his daughter. Poor little bitch would shit out her heart organ every time he woke her up in the morning. A baby’s first words should not be: “DEATH DON’T TAKE ME NOW!!!”

At least town virgins with heads like the Willis daughters can sleep easy, because Kunty Karl will never appear in a cloud of Chanel No. 5 at the foot of their beds to siphon the youth out of them with his pursed lips. Kunty Karl only feeds on pretty souls, thankyouverymuch.

I swear, Kunty Karl is like if the spirit of Patsy Stone exorcised itself in the zombie body of Tom Hulce as Mozart. He just keeps getting better (read: cuntier) and better (read: cuntier) and I want more!

via HuffPo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Look Who Graced Prince Albert’s Wedding With His Kunty Presence

In front of the likes of Naomi Campbell, Princess Stephanie, Victoria Silvstedt and Kunty Karl, Prince Albert of Monaco married Charlene Wittstock in a religious ceremony yesterday afternoon. The rumor that Kunty Karl will turn into small pile of crushed bright white dead nightmares if he even makes half of a sashay into a church is obviously just that, because he was able to sit through the entire ceremony without God’s angel army dragging him away.

The royal family obviously brought in the sexiest member of the Death Eaters to make sure that Charlene’s ass didn’t head for LE EXIT. There was talk that Charlene’s passport was snatched away when she tried to pull some runaway bride shit by flying back to South Africa after she found out that Prince Albert has take a paternity test, because there’s a good chance the bald man slut of Europe made a third love child with some Italian chick. Every time Charlene’s eyes cut to the exit, Kunty Karl threatened to chew on her soul by making a sucking sound with his teeth. I guess Charlene figured that selling her soul to Monaco was better than her soul getting trapped around one of Kunty Karl’s crushed bone hair follicles, because she actually married Prince Albert!

You wouldn’t be lying if you said that Charlene looks like she would rather be marrying the OTHER Prince Albert. You know, the one who’s a soft pierced dick. Instead of hearing the wedding march, you know Charlene heard the sounds of prisoners running tin cups along prison bars. Not since Stepford Katie….

Well, if you’re going to put in shackles, it might as well be made of diamonds and shit.

Kunty Karl Makes Grown Ladies Swoon At The MET Costume Gala

Tonight is the Met’s Costume Institute Gala (this year’s exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don’t even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other’s nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn’t even wear that shit as their menstruatin’ dress.

And it wouldn’t be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters’ designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don’t believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl’s coke white hair.

Or maybe she’s falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that’s probably the culprit.

And here’s a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl’s claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L’Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.