QOTD: Karl Lagerfeld Wants Choupette To Be His Wife

Kunty Karl traded his heart in for the throne of Chanel and his insides are as ice cold as a penguin’s clit, but yet he still feels warmth toward his pet cat. Choupette Lagerfeld has her own maids who keep a diary of her daily activities, she flies on her daddy’s private jet, she eats better than Goopy Paltrow does AND she has the love of a ghoul who didn’t know he had the ability to actually feel feelings for a living thing. Choupette really does have it all and if Karl had his way, she’d have a wedding ring too! Karl tells CNN’s Fashion Week: Backstage Pass (via The Independent) that he loves Choupette so much that he wants to marry her. Yes, Kunty Karl wants to marry his pussy.

“There is no marriage, yet, for human beings and animals… I never thought that I would fall in love like this with a cat.”

I never thought that Kunty Karl would fall in love with ANYTHING. How is it possible that he looks at Choupette and sees hearts and rainbows instead of seeing a Chanel stole he can sell to an Upper East Side ho for thousands upon thousands of dollars? Choupette has turned Kunty Karl into a crazy cat lady. Soon he’ll making cock cozies out of her fur.

We all know what’s going to happen next. Karl is going to get the French government to pass a law making it okay for humans to marry cats. He’ll marry Choupette, Choupette will set him up by getting a younger pussy to hit on him, she’ll divorce him and she’ll get half of his empire. Karl will be too heartbroken to design another dress and he’ll spend his days caressing a lock of her fur in a dark corner.  Damn, Choupette is good. I bet she works for one of Karl’s enemies like Donatella Versace or Harry Potter. 

Kunty Karl Finally Shares His Thoughts On Michelle Obama’s Bangs

*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*

Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama’s bangs.

*AND LAUNCH*

Kunty Karl’s opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn’s Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest’s most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama’s new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:

“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”

QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin’ hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn’t looking. She can’t shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she’s too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.

JLo’s Kid Is Really Excited About Being At The Chanel Fashion Show In Paris

JLo must’ve been desperate for photographers to catch her having a touching and completely manufactured moment with her daughter Emme Anthony, because: a) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show in Paris? and; b) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show where backstage in the darkness lies the Death Eaters’ house mother who keeps the mop of wires on his head glistening white by regularly dying it in the pure innocence of a child? JLo is so hard up for a photo-op that she doesn’t care if Kunty Karl syphons the youth and innocence out of her daughter. Oh well, I’m sure Emme wasn’t too scared of Kunty Karl. I mean, you get used to staring at the malnourished face of a functioning zombie when you spend every other weekend with Skeletor.

The front row at the Chanel show in Paris this morning smelled like desperation (from JLo), boredom (from Emme), soiled chonies (from Casper Smart, he still hasn’t earned his PtD, potty training degree, yet), freshly polished blue steel (from Karl’s 22-year-old human Baptiste Giabiconi) and fish (from Kanye). While Emme tried to keep from completely melting down into an impeccably dressed puddle of BORING, her mom’s adopted boy toy Casper Smart tried to not look at the hot piece that is Baptiste Giabiconi, because he didn’t want to further embarrass his sugar mami by having a cream pie moment in his panties.

And if you’re thinking that Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham must be spitting jealousy over this, STOP! Harper Seven Beckham privately viewed this collection in her penthouse suite at The Ritz LAST WEEK. And Suri Cruise already gave this collection to her maid’s daughter, because she owned and wore all of it weeks ago!

QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn’t Like Pippa Middleton’s Face

Oh, it’s been much too long since we’ve all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl’s ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It’s practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

“Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That’s like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I’m sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: “This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK“. Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn’t like her face then that means he’ll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins……

You In Danger, Katy

“Oh, that’s just Kween Karl sucking the blood from his human’s penis vein” is a line Kunty Karl’s neighbors use often when their friends ask what that “trout slurping up a spaghetti noodle” sound coming from the next apartment is. Karl has been slowly siphoning the youth out of 22-year-old Baptiste Giabiconi with a titanium Chanel tube for at least 2 years and I’ve never seen him as the sharing type. You haven’t felt the burn from a fiery glare until you’ve sung “pass the coochie to the left hand side...” to Kunty Karl as he dabs his lips with a white lace hanky after nibbling on Baptiste’s muse mussy. So that’s why this story from The Sun is about as suspect as everything that comes out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth.

A source tells The Sun that while Katy Perry was in Paris for Fashion Week, she spent a little time whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Karl’s muse. While Katy was still married to hobo Jesus Russell Brand, Baptiste told his friends that he’d love nothing more than to get her to divorce her husband so he could marry her. So when Katy went to the Chanel show, Baptiste saw his chance and took her to dinner. The source says that Katy and Baptiste were with friends, but they acted like they were covered in a heart-shaped bubble and weren’t the least bit terrified about the possibility of an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness for eating food (gross) and for trying to steal his huMAN! The source put it like this:

“They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting.”

We all know how this movie ends. Baptiste and Katy are going to marry in Romania, but after Karl starts terrorizing all of Baptiste’s friends, Baptiste comes back to him and realizes they were soulmates in a past life and begs Karl to become his maker. As Karl starts to transform Baptiste into a vampire, Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread (garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire’s kryptonite) at him. There’s a struggle! There’s lightning! There’s a theme song by Annie Lennox! There’s COSTUMES! COSTUMES! There’s boob hair! There’s blood in the form of red silk imported from a small village in China! Karl will curse Katy!

And when all is said and cursed, Karl and Baptiste will be wrapped in each other’s arms while Katy looks down to find that her Chanel couture gown has become rags from a designer discount store in Jersey. Katy’s skin will never feel the touch of next season couture again. This is how it’s going to go, because at the end of Dracula, Keanu Reeves was totally wearing some shit from Daffy’s.

So Katy better step off unless she wants to spend the rest of her life wearing ten seasons ago Ralph Lauren! Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with Kunty Karl.

Karl Lagerfeld’s “Adele Is A Little Too Fat” Comment Was Taken Out Of Context

But before we get into Kunty Karl’s sorry excuse for a sorry, let’s all read his original comment so we’re all clear. Metro, where Karl was guest editor that day, asked him what he thinks about Lana Del Rey. This is what Metro published:

“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

Karl pretty much called Adele a butterbody and everybody read it that way. But after everybody threw shit balls at Karl over that comment, he suddenly grew a heart even though we all know his maker ripped out of his heart in an alley way in Transylvania a thousand years ago.

Karl has returned to the scene of the crime, Metro, and said that his comment was taken out of context:

“I’d like to say to Adele that I am your biggest admirer. Sometimes when you take a sentence out of the article it changes the meaning of the thought. What I said was in relation to Lana Del Rey and the sentence has since been taken out of context from how it was originally published. I actually prefer Adele, she is my favorite singer and I am a great admirer of her. I lost over 30 kilos over 10 years ago and have kept it off. I know how it feels when the press is mean to you in regards to your appearance. Adele is a beautiful girl. She is the best. And I can’t wait for her next CD.”

Ghoul, please. Put it into context or take it out of context, it means the same thing. I know Kunty Karl has 500+ years on all of us (not counting those years during World War II where his cryogenically frozen body was kept in an underground tomb in Austria somewhere), but he needs to stop acting like we were born yesterday. Even newborns who were born yesterday know that his apology is made of shit. I don’t even know why Karl cares in the first place. Since when does the Dark Lord of the Undead respond to human emotions? If Kunty Karl is going to start caring about human feelings, then there’s really no hope for cuntkind. I’ll have to start calling him Karing Karl. The end of days, indeed.