Kunty Karl Eats With His Nose

In order to fit into a pair of -10 jeans, Karl Lagerfeld’s entire digestive system was removed, so now he gets his nutrients from feeding off of the gasps the audience at his fashion shows make when he sends a $3,000 cob web tunic down the runway. And he also gets life when he listens to the remaining fat on a model eating away at itself after she snorts a line of the bad shit. So because of this, I thought it was a little crotch-scratching strange when Magnum ice cream hired Karl to direct their commercial starring Rachel Bilson.

I used to think that Karl Lagerfeld and ice cream went together like Donald Trump and common sense. But Kunty Karl tells W Magazine that he’s actually a perfect fit since his father was a milkman of sorts and he looooooves chocolate even if it never passes through his zombie lips.

So why ice cream?
Don’t forget my father was a milkman. He produced Carnation milk in Europe under different names, so I like to say he was a milkman. And ice cream is made with milk, no?

Do you eat it?
I would love to if I was allowed to eat sugar, but my doctor told me that sugar wasn’t needed for me so I haven’t touched it in ten years. I also did the ad for Dom Pérignon and I don’t drink alcohol, but I think it’s a very civilized drink.

Do you crave sugar?
No. Gone. But I like chocolate. I don’t eat it, but I like the smell of it. People can drink with their eyes; I can eat with my nose. I would love to have a perfume based on chocolate.

“I can eat with my nose.” – White Oprah’s newest diet mantra

Karl Lagerfeld Takes Off His Sunglasses, The World Does Not Freeze Over

Urban legend says that if Kunty Karl Lagerfeld removes his Chanel eye shields and you stare directly into the ruby crystal globes (filled with the tears of the village children) shoved his sockets, you will immediately shrivel into a platinum thread of dust and join the field of poor unfortunate souls on top of his head. Or you will get really obese and be banished into his dungeon so that he can amuse himself by making fun of you while he nibbles on black crow nails. I must have fallen asleep during that part in class, because I’m not sure which is the case. BUT thankfully, neither of those things happened in Monte Carlo yesterday when Kunty Karl took off his glasses at lunch with his human Baptiste Giabiconi and some other slaves. SOULS DID NOT FREEZE. Crisis averted for now.

And I feel like I’ve just caught Kunty Karl at his most intimate moment. Without his sunglasses, he doesn’t really look like the zombie king of the underworld who can shred the spirit of a newbie model by cackling into the night before her. He sort of looks…vulnerable….with those Charlie Brown eyes of his. Hmmm. This is almost like walking in on your naked abuelita. Let’s just pretend like this never happened.

Kunty Karl & Friends

Kunty Karl showed his new line of wispy cobweb gowns for Chanel in a cave under a volcano in Mordor today, and the best part of the show was when he slithered off of his throne of bones and braved the flashes from cameras to pose with admirers like Lily Allen, Florence Welch, Clemence Poesy, and Emma Roberts. They crawled through the tundra for miles to get a picture with the exquisite demon whose mop of bone dust threads holds the broken dreams of 12-year-old models in its tips. It’s sort of like that time Perseus traveled from afar to slay Medusa. But instead of chopping Kunty Karl’s head off (which is totally impossible for a mortal to do, by the way), they just want to pose with him like he’s the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or the old timey hos at Knott’s Berry Farm.

Seriously, some say that designing $1,200 t-shirts out of caterpillar skins is Kunty Karl’s specialty, but I say it’s posing with random people. Ghoulfriend is good at that shit! Karl really needs his own mall tour. I’d wait in line with the other screaming brats and babies to get a picture on Kunty Karl’s lap. I wouldn’t even mind if Karl stuck his nose in my ear to see if my brain is the type of consistency he likes to nibble on.

Kunty Karl Finally Speaks Out About The Galliano Situation

John Galliano sort of, not really apologized in a statement for being a drunken, belligerent mess in public, but he denies that he’s an anti-Semite. Galliano used the “BUT SHE STARTED IT!” excuse and says that the allegation that he called someone a “dirty Jew face” is false. But Captain Hook’s second cousin twice removed from the flat iron didn’t talk about the video of him giving the Hitler salute with his tongue.

The full statement is here for your eye-rolling pleasure, but the real shit you should spend your time with is Kunty Karl’s slappity slap slap to Galliano’s face. But Galliano is up first:

Since the events of last Thursday evening I have not been able to make any public comment on what took place based upon advice from my French lawyer. However, given the continuing delays at the French Prosecutor’s Office I should make my position clear.

I completely deny the claims made against me and have fully co-operated with the police investigation.

A number of independent witnesses have given evidence and have told the police that I was subjected to verbal harassment and an unprovoked assault when an individual tried to hit me with a chair having taken violent exception to my look and my clothing. For these reasons I have commenced proceedings for defamation and the threats made against me.

However, I fully accept that the accusations made against me have greatly shocked and upset people.

I must take responsibility for the circumstances in which I found myself and for allowing myself to be seen to be behaving in the worst possible light.
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I only have myself to blame and I know that I must face up to my own failures and that I must work hard to gain people’s understanding and compassion. To start this process I am seeking help and all I can hope for in time is to address the personal failure which led to these circumstances and try and earn people’s forgiveness.

I have fought my entire life against prejudice, intolerance and discrimination, having been subjected to it myself. In all my work my inspiration has been to unite people of every race, creed, religion and sexuality by celebrating their cultural and ethnic diversity through fashion. That remains my guiding light.

Anti-semitism and racism have no part in our society. I unreservedly apologise for my behaviour in causing any offence.

And here’s Kunty Karl doing what he does best. Without commercial interruption!

“I’m furious, if you want to know. I’m furious that it could happen, because the question is no longer even whether he really said it. The image has gone around the world. It’s a horrible image for fashion, because they think that every designer and everything in fashion is like this. This is what makes me crazy in that story. The thing is, we are a business world where, especially today, with the Internet, one has to be more careful than ever, especially if you are a publicly known person. You cannot go in the street and be drunk — there are things you cannot do… I’m furious with him because of the harm he did to LVMH and [chairman and ceo] Bernard Arnault, who is a friend, and who supported him more than he supported any other designer in his group, because Dior is his favorite label. It’s as if he had his child hurt.”

I absolutely love that the strings of dried human tears on Kunty Karl’s taint aren’t melting because of what Galliano said, they’re melting because of what he’s doing to the fashion industry! THINK OF THE FASHION INDUSTRY! It’s like if someone kicked a kitten and blood splattered on his new shoes. The first thing he’d shout out is: “MY SHOOOOES!” The cunt stays cunty, and I love it.

Just add Galliano to the pile of things that Kunty Karl hates including: children, fat people, Harry Potter, Muggles in general, smiles, sunlight, flowers, oxygen and (enter everything that’s found in a Disney movie here).

And this just in, Le Parisien (via HuffPo) reports that he will be tried for making a racial slur in public. Galliano could get up to 6 months in prison if convinced. Oh, I hope Kunty Karl is called as a character witness. Imagine him fanning himself on the stand…

Kunty Karl’s Boy Toy Knows How To Make a Music Video

Just thinking about all the porcelain white pubes Kunty Karl’s human Baptiste Giabiconi had to pull out of his teeth to make this video is almost worth the price of pressing play. Baptiste is trying to become a world famous pop star sensation and his first stab at that title is as spectacularly awesome as jacking off with a hand full of Axe body spray. It tingles and it stings, but mostly it’s a huge mess. The song would be better with a tab of Ecstasy, a carton of orange juice and a shirtless sweaty piece humping behind you, but it’s the video that is the real star of Baptiste’s career!

This acid wash shit is like a cross between a Guess Jeans cologne commercial circa 1992 and Ke$hit’s interpretation of Rebel Without A Cause.

I love it when Baptiste defends his bruised and battered love interest by puffing his chest at her boyfriend. ZOOLANDER PLEASE! Baptiste is not about to brawl when he’s got a face as pretty as his to protect. Because it’s NOT worth it.

This is definitely the future of music!

via Jezebel

Blake Lively Has Sold Her Soul To Kunty Karl

Deep down in Karl Lagerfeld’s sprawling dungeon lies a mason jar filled with smoke that sort of smells like overmicrowaved instant oatmeal and steamed broccoli. When you shake the jar, it mumbles like a half-asleep drunk who just got a root canal. That jar is labeled BLAKE LIVELY, because she just signed her soul over to Kunty Karl in exchange for the starring role in Chanel’s next ad campaign! And Kunty Karl will wash his hair with Blake’s soul later on to keep it looking as gleaming white as the fangs on the devil’s asshole! Lightning crash!

A source tells E! Online that Blake was recently in Paris shooting ads for Chanel’s line of handbags. The ads will come out early next year.

I realize that Blake is the new shit and Anna Wintour’s lips are temporarily stuck to her ass, but they got the WRONG Lively. If any Lively deserves a Chanel campaign it’s Teen Witch herself Robyn Lively. They don’t even have to shoot the campaign. I did all the work for them:

TOP THAT!