Kris Humphries Might’ve Made A Baby With His Rebound

Oh hell, we’re all fucked, because it turns out Kris Humphries’ IQ doesn’t match his sperm count and he probably put a baby in the trick he started wet humping on right after Pimp Mama Kris sped up the ending to his scripted marriage to her prized pig Kim Kardashian. Myla Sinanaj, the one on the right who looks like a Bad Girls Club reject who got caught in the middle of a Wet N Wild factory explosion, claims that she’s got a 3-month-old fetus up in her womb and she already loves that unborn baby so much that she sold the news to TMZ before telling Kris Humphries. I would declare this as a victory for gold diggers, but it’s unethical to take advantage of a dim oaf of a douche who probably believed Myla when she told him that the only way he can make a baby is if he cums in a stork.

If this is true, then it could completely screw up Kris’ divorce settlement, because he’s trying to say that he was so sad on the inside after he found out Kim only used his innocent heart for a stunt and he was too busy crying every time he peed (you know, because it reminded him of Kim) to move on quickly to another trick. Kris has been trying to shut Myla up, because she’s out there spilling all kinds of shit about their relationship including talking about the time he told her that Pimp Mama Kris directed Kim’s fuck tape with Ray-J.

A source tells TMZ that Myla is so hurt about how Kris has treated her that she plans to have the baby and raise it on her own. That’s what she thinks….

Myla probably thinks that she’ll have the baby, hit Kris up for some child support and will live the gold digger dream by not having to work for the next 18 years. That’s not going to happen. Kris doesn’t even remember which letter comes after “c” in the alphabet, so I doubt he remembers that when he sold his soul to the Kuntrashians he also promised to give him his first born. So ten seconds after Myla delivers her baby via c-section (duh), Pimp Mama Kris will show herself in a cloud of bronzer dust and collect that kid before slithering out the window. Then PMK will dip that baby in glue, roll it in Sasquatch fur and give it to Khloe Kardashian who will claim it as her own and pose with it on the cover of Life & Style. The Kuntrashians will turn Myla’s money baby into their money baby. It’s like that.

Pimp Mama Kris Directed This Totally Authentic Moment, So Says Kris Humphries

Kris Humphries is currently trying to legally shut his ex-piece, Myla Sinanaj, up, because she’s selling all the text messages he sent her about his fake marriage to Kim Kuntrashian. Myla claims that Kris told her she was the love of his life and he couldn’t wait to get his divorce from Kim out of the way so they could be together. This screws with Kris’ money, because he’s suing Kim for playing with his innocent heart and defrauding him by only using him for a publicity stunt. (Nobody has ever accused Kris Humphries’ caveman shit brain of producing anything but DUHs.)

Most of the shit Myla has been saying about Kris and Kim isn’t that surprising, but nothing is more unsurprising than what he told her about Kim’s sex tape with Ray J. TMZ says that Myla claims Kris told her that whore master Pimp Mama Kris ordered Kim to fuck her way to fame by making that tape with Ray J. The first cut wasn’t good enough for Pimp Mama Kris so she ordered reshoots. Say what you want about Pimp Mama Kris, but she really does care about the cinematic integrity of her daughter’s fuck time tape. TMZ’s source puts it like this:

Kris Humphries trashed Kim Kardashian and her family in conversations and text messages to his former girlfriend, Myla Sinanaj … telling her Kris Jenner not only directed Kim to shoot her sex tape, but to re-shoot because Kris J didn’t think the first one was pretty enough.

A source close to the Kuntrashians (see: Pimp Mama Kris) calls this a lie, but I believe every word of it and no lies are detected. But what gets me is if they did reshoots, what did the first tape look like? I’ve seen more emotion in the faces of the plastic toys my dog humps than I did while watching Kim get her appendix poked out by Ray J’s boomerang dick. Bitch just lays there like a constipated walrus trying to push out a much-needed fart. Maybe Kim was even deader in the first one and it classified as necrophilia porn, so PMK scrapped it. Actually, the second one counts as necrophilia porn too, because PMK sold Kim’s soul to the devil long before that tape was made.

Here’s PMK’s #1 ho and her #2 ho Kanye Kardashian going to some restaurant in Paris yesterday.

Bitch Got Booed: The Kris Humphries Edition

When Kris Humphries used the blood from a virgin goat to sign away his soul to the Kardashian Klan, he probably agreed to give a chunk of his future earnings to them and to also hand over his first non-Kardashian born, which will be sacrificed to the ultimate devil, Ryan Gaycrest, in exchange for 50 more seasons on E!. So Kris already had the sads knowing that a chunk of the $8 million he got from the New Jersey Nets for re-signing with them would be snatched up by Pimp Mama Kris’ klaws. And Kris got kicked again when he didn’t exactly receive a warm welcome at his first game. The Herp Derp Giant stumbled onto the court at Madison Square Garden last night and got showered with boos and laughs from Knicks fans. The audience reaction was basically the same one I got when I danced in a button down silk shirt to a Rhythm Syndicate song during my junior high school talent show.

Kris told reporters after game that he was so focused on the game that he says he didn’t even notice the boos. Kris then said, “What is a boo, anyway? What does it sound like? Can you spell that out for me…slowly…slower… I like basketball.”

This is why it’s good to be as simple as Kris Humphries. Bitch can only operate two senses. So you can punch his ears with boos all you want, but the only thought in his head will be: basketball in hoop… basketball in hoop… basketball in hoop… cookies… basketball in hoop.

That being said, a “guilt by Kardashiation” boo is a beautiful boo.

Kris Humphries Doesn’t Want To Talk About The Kardashians

Good Morning America gave you a visual answer to the question “What would an interview with a caveman statue from the Museum of Natural History look like?” when they interviewed Kris Humphries today. Despite the fact that GMA pretty much promoted this interview as “Kris Humphries finally breaking his silence on his marriage to Kim Kardashian,“ he wanted to talk about anything but the butt. Kris was there to bust out brain farts about basketball, basketball, baking cookies with his mom, basketball and basketball. But GMA’s Josh Elliott could give a Khloe Kardashian dingle about basketball and kept bringing up his joke of a fake marriage.

This interview was almost more uncomfortable than me watching the nurse try to keep a straight face while asking me a bunch of questions before my STD test. Since I know you don’t want to sit through a 5-minute video of Josh Elliott and Kris Humphries talking from totally different pages, here’s the transcript. I typed it out word for word:

Josh: So Kris, how’s it going?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What has this experience been like?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: A lot of people found the divorce filing shocking. What did you think when she did it?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: You responded by filing for a legal separation and an annulment. What do you hope the court will decide in regard to the annulment?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Do you still love her?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Kris, tell me, what one object would give a more exciting interview than you?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Thanks for that, Kris. Who would you rather? Kris Jenner or a basketball?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Just one more question before I let you go, Kris. Your IQ is that of a….
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Wait, wait, just one more thing. Please don’t say the word “basketball” again. PLEASE! I beg of you.
Kris: ………cookie.
Josh: Thank you!
Kris: Basketball.

A source tells TMZ that as soon as the interview ended, Kris was whining about how he felt he was set up. Kris only agreed to go on GMA after they promised to only stick to questions about basketball, his obesity foundation and cookies (nobody tell Kris that cookies and obesity aren’t exactly friends). But a rep for GMA says they made it clear during the pre-interview that there would be no rules.

Is Kris stupid enough to think that GMA’s focus wasn’t going to be about his marriage to Kim Karkrashian? Wait. Here’s a better question: Am I stupid enough to actually ask that last question after watching Kris be the epitome of dumb during that interview above?

Kris Calls Kim A Fraud, Kim Calls Kris Gay

Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim’s fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That’s like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That’s like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris’ suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.

Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn’t want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don’t know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on….

TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer’s fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there’s proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.

I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google “Kim Kardashian is a fraud” it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he’s totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They’re all frauds and they’ve obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let’s all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!

Kris Humphries Wants To Sue The Kartrashians

It is so damn slow today that I’m dangerously close to cumming in a banana peel and calling it news. Actually, I just might, because that would probably be a tad bit more interesting (not really) than this mess from Life & Style. Their sources say that the reincarnation of Herman Munster, Kris Humphries, is planning to herp derp out a $10 million lawsuit against his fraudulent wife Kim Kuntrashian and E! for smearing his wholesome image by portraying him as a homophobic doucheknob on Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass. Well, I’ve always looked at Kris as a gigantic block wood whose head produces slobber instead of thoughts, so now seeing him as a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts (even homophobic ones) is almost a step up. But Kris doesn’t agree and is going to sue the piss stains off of Kim as soon as he figures out how to operate a Yellow Pages and look up the number for a local “loyurr.”

The source says that Kris is worried about a scene in a upcoming episode of Kourtney & Kim where he goes after Kim’s best friend Jonathan Cheban. Kris pokes at Jonathan about being gay even though Jonathan is completely straight. The source went on to say, “Jonathan isn’t gay, but Kris accuses him of being gay and criticizes him for it in a really homophobic way. Jonathan is really upset. Kris used the word ‘gay’ as an insult, to try and hurt Jonathan. He’s the lowest of the low bullying someone like this.”

Kris’ father William Humphries, who has a PhD in OBVIOUS, believes his son was set up and that “Kris got used –100 percent used.”

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris has put the training she learned in White Oprah’s “Voices of Many Sources” class at The Fame Whore Academy to good use by calling up UsWeekly as an “unknown tipster.” The “unknown tipster” said this about how Kris treated Kim:

“He tried to control Kim by bring her down…He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn’t last. [He even called her a] fat ass.

So not only is Kris a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts, but sometimes his head produces thoughts that are 100% correct. This fake marriage and even more fake divorce has really transformed his reputation as dumber than a dingle to this country’s foremost free thinker. Move over, Megan Fox.

And yeah, all together now: JONATHAN CHEBAN DOESN’T LIKE DICK?!