HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’ll add more to this Halloween gift as soon as I stop HAHAHAHAHAHA-ing from every one of my fingers.

Okay, I’m back and I’m still trying to fight the urge to HAHAHAHAHAHA through my finger tips throughout this entire post, but you must know why the true love bubble out of E!’s ass has burst all up in Ryan Gaycrest’s face. TMZ reports that the completely staged marriage that you thought would last about as long as a fart trying to escape through Kim’s canyon of doom ass has already died after 72 days. As Pimp Mama Kris lines up johns (aka People Magazine, Life & Style, etc…) and sponsors (aka Legalzoom, etc…) for the multimillion dollar divorce tour special, Kim’s divorce lawyer Laura Wasser is filing papers in L.A. today.

A source tells TMZ that this trash heap alien-faced whore is filing for divorce from I Already Forgot His Name, because he wants to stay in Minnesota and the flash from a pap’s camera is her oxygen so she refuses to leave L.A. They didn’t figure this out before their $10 million dollar wedding, because she was too busy creaming out from every orifice over the thought of how much attention (and nonreturnable gifts) her fraudulent marriage would get.

Kim Kuntrashian stuffed $18 million into her gaping wide checking account for the wedding and she’ll probably stuff a few million in for “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce” special. Then in about six months, she’ll do all over again with a 6″3′ bag of cold dumb whose soul comes with a price tag on it.

The dead horse that is the sanctity of marriage just got up and reached for a bat to beat itself some more while mouthing the word “sorry” to the gays.

via TMZ

Stunning. Fresh. Gorgeous.

No, this is not a page from the “Buy 1 Get 1 Free” clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick’s to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim’s invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it’s not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn’t put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don’t already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one’s vagina. They’re both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn’t that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It’s that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, “Damn, bitch, we’re going to make dicks rise tonight!”

Here’s more pictures from Kim’s second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin’s black & white bowel movements.

Tacky Ass Hos Being Tacky Ass Hos

Sometimes when an extremely wealthy bitch marries another extremely wealthy bitch, they decide that they are already have enough things between them so they ask their extremely wealthy guests to make a charitable donation in their honor, or shit like that. But not the Kardashians! For the Kardashians, charity begins at home and never makes it out the front door.

UsWeekly points us to the wedding registry of the gutter whore Muppet and her rock faced fiance, and damn those heifers are greedy. Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring cost $2 million so obviously those two mop water skanks can afford to buy their own $670 plates and $325 paper weight, but they are still asking their guests to do it for them! Here’s just a few of the tacky ass shit they registered for at Gearys of Beverly Hills.

A $325 black nude resting statue by Lalique for Kim to plug up her poon with when it snores too loud in the middle of the night and wakes Kris up.

A $670 platinum plate by Hermes for Kris Jenner to entertain Kris Humphries’ simple ass with so he won’t go and get into trouble. Kris’ eyeballs likes shiny things!

A $260 pair of ice tongs that will Kim will use to pull the wet tarantula legs off of her eyelids when she doesn’t want to get tar on her fingers.

A $640 crystal decanter by Baccarat that will hold Kris Humphries’ soul after Father Lucifer commands the bride’s mother to suck the life out of her groom.

A $120 serving spoon that Kim will use to scoop out the 50 pounds of foundation from each of her pores.

In addition to all that crap, they also asked for $38,000 worth of place settings, a $7,850 vase and a $175 mustard jar.

Here’s hoping that Khloe Kardashian gets chocolate wasted from the Godiva fountain and body slams onto the gift table, breaking everything. If there is a God!