It Never Ends: Joy Behar Comments On Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Rosie’s Return To The View

Because one hen from The View can’t open her beak without the rest of them trying to squawk louder than the rest of the chickens, Joy Behar went on CNN to talk about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mid-vacation phone call to Fox & Friends where she cried about how Rosie O’Donnell’s return to The View is an insult to America. It’s like the angry poultry version of Inception. Joy told CNN’s Don Lemon that Elisabeth’s comment about Rosie spitting in the face of the military was “a hate-filled remark”, adding:

“I thought that was really kind of below the belt—to say that she spits in the face of the military. I’d like Elisabeth to explain herself, really. What does she mean by that? Isn’t it kind of a nasty thing to say about somebody who basically is a good person? I mean, say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell, she’s a very generous person, she has a million kids, she’s always rescuing children—I mean, she has more kids than Mrs. Duggar at this point on her roster. Her son is at The Citadel—what more does Elisabeth want?”

“To say that she spits in the face of the military, that’s a dangerous thing to say about somebody. First of all, it’s not true. I would like her to prove it. Everything is fiction on Fox anyway, what am I talking about?”

Who would have thought that sending two slow chickens to the Tyson factory would get so much attention? I mean, first Elisabeth Hasselbeck drops whatever she was doing at The Holy Land Experience (probably waiting in line to get her picture taken with Jesus for the 3rd time that day) to throw shade at Rosie O’Donnell for filling the two vacant spots left by mouth breathers Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. Then Joy goes on CNN to throw shade at Elisabeth. Then Rosie throws shade at Elisabeth on Twitter. Next thing you know Lisa Ling will be calling in to Al Jazeera to throw shade at Joy, Meredith Vieira will throw shade at Lisa to Matt Lauer on Today, and Debbie Matenopoulos will throw shade at Meredith from the futon in her Rancho Cucamonga studio apartment.

via UsWeekly

Jenny McCarthy’s Ass May Replace Joy Behar On The View Next Season

If you thought that there was no way The View could get even screechier next season, then brace your ears, because you’re wrong. UsWeekly says that board certified crazy bitch Jenny McCarthy is in “serious talks” with Barbara Walters and the other producers about joining the brood of insane pecking hens in the coop next season after Joy Behar leaves. Joy announced a long time ago that she’s out of that bitch and even though Elisabeth Hasselcrack hasn’t announced that she’s leaving too, she’s already been handed an empty cardboard box to put all her dressing room shit in and her security card has already been programmed to expire the day the last show of the season tapes. Bitch is out of there too.

UsWeekly’s source says that the producers think Jenny is a perfect replacement and that since her talk show on Vh1 is slowly dying like whatever is left of her sanity, she’s into it too.

“She is in serious talks right now. Her show isn’t quite working out, so she’s definitely open to it. The cast and crew get a kick out of Jenny. She’s a good fit. She may not be able to carry a show, but she works well with a group ensemble.”

UsWeekly also says that Brooke Shields is in “serious talks” (SERIOUS TALKS!) to replace Hasselcrack.

Well, The View already has a science expert (see: Sherri Shepherd) and a sex crimes expert (see: Whoopi Goldberg) and so naturally they need a professional medical expert. Dr. Jenny is as knowledgeable in medical stuff as Sherri is in science stuff, so she’ll fit right in. Dr. Jenny should make sure that when she farts out her batshit, fucked-up medical advice she does it while wearing smart people glasses, because nothing makes you look like a medical authority like glasses.

Should’ve Been You, Hasselcrack, Should’ve Been You

Joy Behar, quit The View today after being on it since episode one, because she says she wants to focus on her stand-up career or whatever. Hmmm, I’m trying to figure out which is the better option:

1. Make a mountain of money to talk shit while sitting in a comfortable chair a few hours a day, four days a week.

or

2. Get out of bed in the morning knowing that you don’t have to look at Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s annoying face in person that day.

Joy went with option #2 and told Deadline that for almost 17 years she’s been one of the hens loudly pecking at the other hens and she’s done with it.

“You reach a point when you say to yourself, ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’ There are other things on my plate I want to do — I’ve been writing a play, I’ve been neglecting my standup.

I have a lot of friends [at The View], and I will miss everyone I’ve worked with because we have a family there. It is a smart talk show because somebody of [Barbara’s] stature is leading the conversation; Barbara was one of the main reasons I took that job.”

Joy’s HLN show was dropped into the shit can and her show on Current TV will end once the network gets taken over by Al Jazeera. Joy, who will stay with The View until the summer, is talking to CNN about possibly doing a show there.

Joy’s replacement probably won’t be announced for a while, but Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth are supposedly talking to the producers of The View about taking that second chair. Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth? Nope. They might as well replace Joy with an over-boiled piece of cauliflower if they’re thinking of replacing her with Brooke Sheilds and Alexandra Wentworth. Here’s my top 5 choices for Joy’s replacement:

1. Tan Mom
2. Rosie O’Donnell (but only if The View agrees to not let her bear handlers try to tame her when she jumps on Elisabeth)
3. Tard the Grumpy Cat
4. A shark who only eats blondes
5. Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda

or The View can just pretend that Joy Behar never left and put Fred Armisen as Joy in the second chair every day.

We’ll never know the difference.

Joy Behar Married Her Piece Of 29 Years

Sherri “The German” Shepherd (copyright: Fresh) just got her wedding veil snatched off of her head (not really) by one of her partners in hen peckery! Joy Behar of The View always squawks about how marriage is about as important to her as not dressing like a pilgrim Benjamin Franklin is to Whoopi Goldberg, but she’s changed her mind.

Joy married her partner of 29 years Steve Janowitz in New York City on Thursday night. Sadly, Joy’s rep didn’t confirm this shit by saying SO WHAT? WHO CARES? Joy’s rep said she’ll talk about it when The View comes back next month.

“She has married her spousal equivalent. She will discuss it all on The View on Sept 6, when The View kicks off Season 15 live.”

And Sherri is supposed to bark out her wedding vows in Chicago today. Let’s hope that Elisabeth Hasselcrack trumps both of those bitches by marrying her jaw together in wired bliss.

via UsWeekly

America’s Next First Lady Joins Team Birther

You know that politics give me nipple calluses, so I’ve been pretty much “whatever” about Donald Trump’s need to see President Obama’s birth certificate even though we haven’t seen Trump’s natural complexion or hairline in centuries. However, now I’m feeling the opposite of “whatever” (but I’ll go back to feeling “whatever” after this post until Melania speaks again) because Melania Trump, the most glamorous woman named Melania Trump, has spoken out about the birth certificate issue, and guess what?! Melania is siding with the sugar pappy husband who keeps her skin slathered in liquid gold! TWIST!

While peddling her jewelry line for QVC (too. perfect.) on Joy Behar’s CNN show, Melania said that her husband has a “genius’ mind” and would make an excellent president. Joy then brought up the birth certificate issue and made a few points, but Melania pretty much repeated the same phrase I shout at men I’ve just met: SHOW IT!!!! Clip below:

I could watch the 2:26 mark on a loop all the way through Easter.