Excuse Me As I Torch Every Pair Of Jeans I Own

November 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Since my usual hangout spots aren’t a mega-yacht off the coast of St. Tropez, the private viewing room at Cartier in Beverly Hills, the chef’s table at The Ivy in London, and an Arab sheik’s $100 million Manhattan penthouse, I will probably never feel a La Mer-infused cloud of glamour hit me while seeing Dame Joan Collins live and in person. But just in case she ever decides to slum it with the disgusting peasants at a Target again, I’m going to destroy every pair of jeans I own and only leave the house in my freshly-ironed formal sweats (the one with the least stains on them). Because I do not want to be the one who makes Dame Joan dry heave into a Hermès handkerchief from the sight of legs slathered in the fabric of Satan (read: denim)!

Dame Joan officially declared her war on jeans in 2010 when she wrote in The Daily Mail that she nearly crushed her Mikimoto pearls into Mikimoto pearl dust when she heard that The Ritz was letting people wear jeans to breakfast at their restaurant, and that too many people wear jeans, which are not flattering at all. Two years later, Dame Joan went for round two with jeans, and once again did it in The Daily Mail by writing that women over 40 should bury all of their jeans and never wear them. Four years after that, she told Elle UK that she never wears jeans when she travels. Well, Levi’s hasn’t left Dame Joan Collins’ shit list, because while talking about being the new face of Valentino with Vogue, she spit at uncouth jeans. And since she lives in Los Angeles, it’s amazing that her eyeballs haven’t exploded in disgust from the constant assault of ugly she’s hit with.

“I hate jeans. I hate them, they’re so unflattering. And I hate jeans with holes in the knees, or holes anywhere. I’m not keen on T-shirts with logos, either. I like to be comfortable, but I want to be elegant, too. I don’t really fit in with the L.A. lifestyle, because everyone’s in T-shirts and jeans, and I don’t like that look. Oh, and neither does Valentino, by the way. Mr Valentino is always exquisitely dressed, which I love.”

That’s not to say that denim hasn’t been lucky enough to grace the stunning stems of Dame Joan. She once had her own denim line in the early-80s:

And she’s been papped wearing jeans recently-ish. But the difference is that Dame Joan Collin’s jeans are made of the most expensive cotton in the world and are weaved straight onto her legs for a perfectly stunning fit.

Dame Joan Collins doesn’t deserve to go through this life with waves of denim hideousness hitting her left and right. She needs to do something about it and ask herself, what would Alexis Carrington do? Alexis Carrington would obviously find out who the majority shareholder of Levi Strauss & Co. is, seduce them, marry them, and get their shares in the divorce so she can sashay on into the shareholder meeting and let them all know that she’s shutting down the company forever. And as she burns every last pair of Levi’s, she’ll toast to the demise of her biggest arch rival, and yes, she’ll toast with the finest burned champagne in her freezer, darling!

Pic: Wenn.com

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