The Gaping Butthole Is The True (Dirt) Star Of The “Dune” Trailer
Let’s see, a dusty, raggedy, hungry hole of doom that men will run from at first sight? Why it’s like looking into a mirror… while back down/legs up.
If you’re in certain parts of California, you can look outside of your window and see scenes straight out of Dune thanks to the demonic wildfires. But for others, the trailer for Denis Villeneuve’s take on Frank Herbert’s novel Dune came out today and it’s very Weekend At Burning Man. And I’m sure many a hard-trick are throwing death glares at the grains of sand because millions of them probably got up in Jason Momoa’s crotch during the filming of this. Speaking of Jason, he’s actually not the best part of the trailer. That title solely belongs to the no-no-faced sandworm above. Although, it’s not the biggest asshole in the movie. I mean, Josh Brolin is in this after all.
Those of us who appreciate cinematic turds, know that Dune was first made by David Lynch in the 80s. There was also a Dune miniseries in 2000. This one stars Timothée Chalamet as Paul Atreides (Kyle MacLachlan in the first one), Zendaya as Chani (Sean Young in the first one), as well as Rebecca Ferguson as Timothée’s mom, Oscar Isaac, Dave Bautista, Charlotte Rampling, Stellan Skarsgård, Javier Bardem, Jason, and Josh. IndieWire breaks down the plot like this:
“Dune” stars Timothée Chalamet in his first leading blockbuster role as Paul Atreides, whose family gets ownership of the dangerous desert planet Arrakis. The planet is the home of the world’s most valuable resource, a drug called spice that extends human life and gives its users super-human abilities. By taking ownership of Arrakis, the Atreides family becomes an enemy of the rival Harkonnen empire and the planet’s natives, known as the Fremen.
So a bunch of people in over-the-top ensembles fighting over a drug in the desert? It IS Burning Man: The Movie. There’s not a flower crown in sight or I’d say it’s Coachella: The Movie.
Here’s the full trailer which also features Hans Zimmer’s arrangement of Pink Floyd’s Eclipse, the man-eating asshole monster, the brightness of a Game of Thrones episode, Timothée’s constipated whispering, and Timothée luxurious’ freshly-fucked mane. Seriously, Timothée needs to do a YouTube tutorial on how to achieve luscious locks in dry heat.
Dune is supposed to come out on December 18, 2020. Denis Villeneuve only covered the first-half of the novel and so he’s hoping to cover the rest in a second movie if that ever gets greenlit.
December is probably way too early for me to venture into a movie theater, and besides, how will get into Dune as everyone’s screaming that they can’t see shit because the filmmakers hate touching the brightness button. It’s so dark. I had to brighten up a b-hole monster screenshot for my header pic. For comparison, this is what the sandworm looks like in 1984’s Dune.
This is why the first lesson at film school should be how to perfectly light a hole pic.
Pics: YouTube, Universal Pictures