ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN!!!!! For Now……

I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:

Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.

The Best Part of Twatlight’s Final Promo Tour

Here’s a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson’s pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner’s ass cheeks (I’m guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It’s finally over! (Well, it’s over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It’ll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog’s Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he’s already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own “Yup, I Like Dick!” cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son’s plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I’m Sensing A Theme….

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.

Why Hello There, Kristen Stewart’s Ass Cheeks

That picture might look familiar to you, because it’s exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to “Holly Jolly Christmas.”

For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says “DON’T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION” like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, “Ah smoked it!”

Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn’t go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz’s face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.

Kristen Stewart Will Let You Watch Whatever Little Movie You Think Her Life Is

Finally, somebody asked. Ever since Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson started their press tour for Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Part 2, I’ve been waiting for some question asker to piss her off by asking, “So is RPattz still licking Rupert Sanders’ saliva off your box or what?” Nobody has. But this morning, the producers of Today, programmed that question into Savannah Guthrie’s hard drive and she spit it out at the very end of their interview with KStew (it’s at the 2:56 mark above). Savannah asked, “Are you back together with Robert Pattinson?” While looking like a paint-huffing 9th grader getting the “drug talk” from her high school guidance counselor, KStew pretty much rolled her eyes and rose her flippin’ off finger by answering it like this:

“Funny you mention that. I’m going to just let people watch whatever little movie they think our lives are. Keep ’em guessing, I always say.”

Well, I guess every publicity stunt needs a bitch and KStew is the perfect one.

KStew released a public statement about passing her poon to married man mouth, her iPhone calls the paps every time she tells Siri to call her #1 and she’s always wearing RPatt’s clothes in those staged photo-ops, but yet she gets annoyed when people ask. I know I’m supposed to hate on her ass, but I just can’t, because I appreciate a shameless bitch. It’s like she’s complaining about the fire being so hot when she’s the one who fueled it. Oh, KStew, keep fucking that chicken (“Only if that chicken’s married” – KStew).

Cameron Diaz Tried To Get Her Some RPattz

Six seconds after this picture was taken, Cameron Diaz drunkenly slurred into Robert Pattinson’s ear, “So are you going to Pattzin’ up my bubbly by dipping your sparkle rod in my flute or what?”

UsWeekly says that DiGiorno-faced Cameron Diaz tried to get into Robert Pattinson’s panties at LACMA’s Art + Film Gala in L.A. on October 27th. RPattz, seen below at Jimmy Kimmel Live last night,  is apparently back with Kristen Stewart, but that didn’t stop horny ass Cammy from trying to get a chance to viciously hump the unicorns out of his hair. Some source says that Cameron went hard, “She was pretty obvious. Cam was seated next to Rob at dinner. She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said and trying really hard. He was polite, but not having it.”

Cameron, you simple ho, that’s not how you make the sparkles on RPattz’s peen twinkle something extra. If you want to lure RPattz in, you have to sulk in the corner and when you’re not chewing on the plastic leaves on the fake ficus tree next to you, you should mumble about how you hate life and everything in it. Whenever somebody tries to talk to you, hiss at them with your eyes and then blankly stare off into the distance like a slow dyslexic sloth trying to sing the alphabet backwards. RPattz will slowly start looking your own way and then cinch the deal by letting a married director hump your butt. BOOM. Before you know it, you’ll be pulling fiber optic pubes out of your mouth while giving RPattz a beej in the men’s bathroom.

Or Cameron can get RPattz by topping the deal he has with Kristen Stewart during the next FCB (Fake Celebrity Boyfriend) Draft.