I Guess True Detective Only Wants Their First Season To Get Nominated For Emmys

Take this with a giant handful of salt, since it feels like everyone and their dog has at one time been ‘in talks’ to star in the second season of HBO’s True Detective. TheWrap says that “an individual familiar with the series” (that literally describes anyone with access to the internet, but go on) has told them that whiskey-soaked used condom Colin Farrell is this week’s random actor rumoured to be ‘in talks’ with the casting department of True Detective.

Insiders tell TheWrap that HBO was intent on landing a true movie star, someone who could play rugged and gritty, and they’ve done just that with Farrell, who is nearing a deal for the series’ older male lead.

The source also goes on to say that HBO is also looking at casting either Tron: Legacy actor (and the Don Draper to Kiki Dunst’s Betty) Garrett Hedlund or Friday Night Lights actor Taylor Kitsch, for the younger male lead. If only HBO could go back in time and cast Taylor Kitsch in True Blood instead, they could have made that hot gay sex scene even better by turning it into a three-way with Tim Riggins. So close yet so far.

If Colin Farrell really is going to be in True Detective, then I guess this means the second season will still be set in Louisiana, but instead of hunting for a serial killer along the coast, the detectives will be hunting for drunk pussy along Bourbon Street in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. All 8 episodes will follow a greasy hungover human boner with a vague Irish accent as he attempts to get to the bottom of a case of vodka while fingering as many culprits as he can before his partner hauls his ass off to the drunk tank.

Pic: Splash

Because Nothing Is Sacred, Netflix Is Rebooting “The Magic School Bus”

And so it begins! After taking a giant steaming dump on nearly everything we loved about the 80s, Hollywood has decided that it was time to stop scraping the bottom of the barrel (I’m looking in your direction, person who shamelessly signed off on Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked) and start remaking everything you loved from the 90s. I don’t know what feeling hurts worse: knowing that Hollywood is about to start shitting on my favorite shows from the 90s, or that I’ll never get a embarrassing SilverHawks reboot.

According to The New York Times, Netflix will reboot several popular television shows from the 90s, beginning with The Magic School Bus, the PBS cartoon about a teacher named Ms. Frizzle (voiced by Lily Tomlin) and her army of chirruns who learn about science by piling into a dark-sided school bus that can shrink down to the size of a turd and swim around inside a person’s colon (“What is the name of this school and how do you volunteer to be a substitute science teacher” – John Travolta). Sometime in 2016, Netflix will release The Magic School Bus 360°, which will now be computer animated, so prepare for some cheap-looking sphincters.

Already the show looks like a damn mess, starting with the early concept art for Ms. Frizzle and the bus. Ms. Frizzle used to look like if Bette Midler were an eccentric gayelle who was obsessed with planets; now she new looks like Amy Adams in American Hustle. I bet they change her name to Miss Frizzle (“There’s no Mr. Frizzle, if you know what I mean. Wink.”) And the only thing I can say about that busted bus is that it looks like it has an ass full of painful swollen hemorrhoids.

No word on whether Lily Tomlin will be back to voice Ms. Frizzle. But if her recent comments calling out “modern-day feminist” Beyoncé as a sex-hustling hoochie mama for the kindergarten crowd are any indication, I don’t know how excited she’ll be regarding this new, slutty-looking Ms. Frizzle.

Alert The FBI! Demi Lovato Knows That Mermaids Aliens Are Real!

Cut to Fox Mulder frantically grabbing as many X-Files from his desk and screaming at Dana Scully: “No, not the toddler-faced one who dated Bieber, the coke addict from Camp Rock! She knows too much, Scully! If the government finds out a former Disney ho knows the truth, she’ll disappear to rehab, and this time she won’t come back!”

Seen here showing off her brand-new weave ripped straight from Grimace’s greasy taint, Demi Lovato appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers on Wednesday and admitted that she has more in common with the guy who preaches his insane conspiracy theories from the men’s room at the bus station besides having ratty hair. When asked if she thinks aliens are real, Demi says:

“I know that they’re real. How self-centred would we be, as humans, to believe that we are the only living things in the Universe?”

She then went on to admit that she’s a huge fan of conspiracy theories, and explained to Seth the theory about mermaids. If you wanted to get high this afternoon, but you ran out of crack/meth/computer duster, find a soft spot on the floor to lie down and listen to what she says at the 0:35 mark:

I love Demi Lovato, because she sounds like all the dumb stoners I went to high school with who had a theory on everything after finding a copy of Fortean Times in the woods. Why is soda sold in an aluminum can? So Big Sugar can collect your fingerprints. Why is the McRib only available for a limited time? To take people’s attention away from the yearly meeting between Illuminati members and the underground Lizard People. Looking back, it’s pretty obvious that most of their conspiracy theories were the result of sitting with the munchies for too long in the drive-thru at McDonalds.

And I know you’re not really supposed to mix uppers and downers, but I would love to see Demi Lovato and Lana Del Rey host a show on the History Channel about aliens.

Kanye West’s Wedding Speech Was About As Kanye-y As You’d Expect

This is probably the same face Kanye West makes when he comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast and finds Pimp Mama Kris and Satan finishing the last of the coffee at the kitchen table. It’s sort of reminiscent of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” face. But according to Us Weekly, Kanye Kardashian managed to stuff his regret deep into the pit of his stomach long enough to rant out an insane delusion-soaked wedding speech at Saturday night’s Tacky Assholes Convention:

“They feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he said, per the observer. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.” A little while later, he added, “The Kardashians are an industry!”

He also spoke about his and Kim’s inner circle, saying, “We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.” Then, referring to a specific group of guests at the wedding, he added, “At this table…the combination of powers…can make the world a better place.” He called them “the most remarkable people of our time.”

I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific: who exactly from guest list of Z-list has-beens and never-wases is he referring to? But I will say that he’s right about one thing: the Kardashians can make the world a better place…by volunteering for Mars One. Ooh, maybe that’s what he meant? “Don’t worry guys, Ricardo and I will watch your stuff while you’re gone!”

And it looks like North West (or as her mother calls her: ‘Sorry, have we met before?’) wasn’t lucky enough to hitch a ride back to LA with The Sock One, because here she is with Grandma Goblin on their way to the airport. I bet every time North throws that “Who the fuck are you???” face, Kris Jenner texts a picture of Prince George snuggling Duchess Kate to Satan with the message: “Hey, can you find out how to train a baby do this?”

Pics: Splash

Somebody’s Weird Creampie Fantasy About Joan Rivers Came True At A Party Last Night

If you looked at this picture of the Cryptkeeper’s sassy grandma and got the feel goods in your no-nos, I’d strongly advise you to call up a shrink or an exorcist or something, because no one with a shred of sanity left should ever get turned on by a cream-covered Joan Rivers. That’s the kind of secret you take to your grave, like having not-right feelings for your cousin or that time you shoplifted Alanis from Sears.

Last night, Joan Rivers confused onlookers when she emerged from the QVC pre-Oscars event at the Four Seasons (everything about that sentence sounds so alagant to me) angry, disheveled, and covered in cream. She wouldn’t say what happened, but unless she was outing herself as a sploshing enthusiast (do not google that), it was clear that she had been cake bombed.

However, something in the milk wasn’t clean to me. The placement of the cream on her face was too precise to be the result of an ambush. And unless there was a second cake bomber from above, the angle to which the cream hit her hair is too high. I don’t believe she was cake bombed at all; I believe this was…A STAGED PUBLICITY STUNT. You can call me Marg Helgenberger, cause I just CSI-ed the b-hole out of this bitch.

Aaaaaand, I was right. According to E! Online, the reason Joan’s face was covered in cream was because Miss Piggy (no, not Kim K’s dick-hungry crotch hog…Miss Piggy the muppet) pushed her into a cake backstage at the party. Well, the hand up a puppet’s ass pushed her into a cake. Apparently, the two have some kind of human-puppet feud, probably because Joan Rivers is jealous of Miss Piggy’s natural-looking facial sculpting (Fix-A-Flat will never be a substitute for high-density foam). Of course, their cake-fight just happens to coincide with Miss Piggy’s appearance on QVC and the release of the film Muppets Most Wanted.

Here’s more of Joan looking like what might pop out of a cake at the world’s most terrifying birthday party, as well as Joan after her fight with Miss Piggy:

(Pics: Splash)

Vin Diesel Shows Webcam Girls Everywhere How It’s Done

You know we live in a weird post-modern what-the-fuck world when the question “What’s your favorite video of Vin Diesel singing to himself?” could be a viable ice breaker on a date. It really says a lot about a person. For example, the only acceptable answer is Stay; anything else means you’re a potential serial killer.

Since Vin Diesel needed something to do to beat the boredom during his downtime between Fast and the Furious movies, he’s borrowed a page from active duty soldiers and started filming hilarious low-budget videos and uploading them to YouTube. Unfortunately, I have to give Vin’s performance of Katy Perry’s Dark Horse and Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love a C-. As of last week, the bar was set for sing-a-long videos by the Swedish Marines, and sadly Vin doesn’t meet the minimum standards required of greatness. I had to remove points for the shameless plug, those Old Navy-looking cammo shorts, and for the misuse of black and white. Come on Vin; everyone knows that shooting in black and white is reserved solely for fuck-ballads.

But I don’t want my critique of Vin’s performance to stifle his future creativity; I think he has potential and would love to see more of his uncomfortably sexual turtle mating dance in the future, even if his reasons for doing so are questionable at best. Someone needs to tell Vin that busting a move because Riddick hit #1 on the DVD charts is not something to be proud of. To the best of my knowledge, the only people who still buy DVDs are deadbeat dads who don’t have the credit history needed for a Time Warner basic cable package and need something to other than Cum On My Tattoo 2 to watch during supervised visits with Shasta and Payden. Save that next dance for something big, Vin (like getting the green light on a sequel to The Pacifier).