Bryan Singer Is A Daddy Now. An Actual Daddy.

The holes in my brain (and I’m sure there’s plenty since I’ve watched the Screech sex tape a couple of times) squirted out a stream of question marks last October when X-Men director and twink aficionado Bryan Singer announced that his best friend of 25 years Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us who watched the American Queer As Folk) was knocked up with his kid. Well, that baby is now here. Last night, Bryan tweeted this picture of his and Michelle’s newborn baby son. If you put your ear to the screen you can almost hear Bryan’s Botoxed mug crack as he pushes out a fatherly smile.

Even though Bryan is quite bi-sexual, he and Michelle don’t fuck and they have a platonic friendship. It was reported that he bought her a house down the street from his and will pay for her living expenses. They plan to raise their son together. It’s very The Next Best Thing but without Benjamin Bratt, the drunken hetero boning and court battle. Bryan added this note with the picture of his family:

Michelle Clunie and I would like to welcome our beautiful son Dashiell Julius William Clunie~Singer into the world 🙂

They should’ve added just one more name since that kid’s name isn’t long enough. When Dashiell Julius Williams Clunie-Singer starts driving, he’s going to need a fold-out drivers license, because his full name won’t fit on a regular one.

Well, I guess having a kid is one way for people to forget that twink drugging and raping lawsuit (which was dropped) and see Bryan Singer as a family man. Hopefully Bryan has been hitting the weights, because he’s going to need a lot of strength to rock Baby Dashiell to sleep in one arm while using his other arm to snort a line of the bad shit off of a twink’s stomach at one of his pool parties.

Random, Thy Name Is Harry Styles Dancing With Kristen Wiig At An SNL Afterparty

Poor Kristen Wiig; little does she know that she’s 24-hours away from receiving a box containing the severed head of a Peppermint Rose doll along with a letter written in pink glitter gel pen on monogrammed stationery that says “STAY AWAY, BITCH xoxo Tay Tay“. No, I’m sure Taylor Swift doesn’t care about Harry Styles anymore; he’s been out of her current famous friendship roster for a while.

But back to Kristen and Harry. UsWeekly says that it all happened at a Saturday Night Live afterparty early Sunday morning. Harry was there because One Direction was this week’s musical guest, and Kristen was there because it’s the holiday season and she thought she’d do a little charity work by making a cameo in a sketch or two. Well, we all know that weird stuff happens when you mix work colleagues and booze and Saturday nights, so naturally 20-year-old Harry would grab 41-year-old Kristen Wiig and start dirty dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” during the afterparty. And thankfully, it was all caught on video, because who of us wouldn’t want to see Kristen Wiig do the Kristen Wiig Shoulder Shruggy Dance with one of the barely-legal tricks from One Direction?

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Here’s The Second Trailer For Fifty Shades Of Grey (Now With More Beyonce!)

In case you were curious as to why your landlady hasn’t replied to any of your texts in the past 24-hours or why you haven’t seen the horny middle-aged mom from HR since this morning when you caught her in the supply closet stuffing her purse full of AA batteries and why your local CVS was out lube AND hand sanitize AND hair gel last night, it’s because the second trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey was released yesterday. Pray for every vibrator whose warranty expired back in 1974, because if their motor hasn’t died yet, there’s a very good chance it will happen in the next few hours.

We pretty much learned all we needed to know about that 90-minute mess from the last trailer that was released four months ago (frumpy hair, suits, gasping, Beyonce), but this time we learn the following:

1. Jamie Dornan’s Mr. Grey or Col. Mustard or whatever his character’s name is has a fancy closet full of fancy grey suits, but Dakota Johnson just has a hole in the wall filled with Duggar family cast-offs.

2. When Dakota runs into Jamie in the hardware store at the 0:54 mark, it looks like they’re cosplaying the Property Brothers.

3. Good news for those of you who watched the ice cube scene in 9½ Weeks and thought “Oooh, if only someone would remake this and make it the opposite of sexy!” – there’s an ice-cube scene!

Other than that, it’s just 98% recycled footage from the first one. The only real difference is that they switched out a heavily sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Crazy in Love” for a mildly sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Haunted”. But that’s technically different enough, right? Cut them some slack, guys – they’ve been really busy re-shooting the sex scenes.

Andrew Keegan Started His Own Religion

You can file this under many things, but may I suggest either “Drugs are a hell of a drug” or “Names I haven’t thought about since my 10 Things I Hate About You tape exploded in the VCR”. But if either of those are full, I guess you could also throw this into the file marked “Bitch, why the fuck are you dressed like a down-and-out juggler???”

Former 90s teen heartthrob Andrew Keegan told Vice (via Page Six) that he’s created his own religion called Full Circle, because I guess Scientology needed some crazy competition. Andrew created the “conscious social movement” in Venice Beach to “provide an experimental environment designed to creatively expand consciousness through visual and performing arts, movement classes, workshops, forums and healing therapies.” So it’s like arts and crafts and healing crystals? Sort of. But like, 10 times more hippie ju-ju and a million times more fucking WEIRD. Andrew explains how it all started:

Keegan says he had a revelation after being attacked by gang members in Venice Beach on March 11, 2011 — the same day the tsunami hit Japan. The timing of those events would later reveal its power and significance in how “synchronicity” helped him discover his true calling.

“I had a moment where I was looking at a street lamp and it exploded,” he explained. “That was a weird coincidence. At a ceremony, a heart-shaped rose quartz crystal was on the altar, and synchronistically, this whole thing happened. It’s a long story, but basically the crystal jumped off the altar and skipped on camera. That was weird.”

Keegan explains that these were some of the incidents that led him to conclude that “the mission is to take the war out of our story, which is essentially peace, but activated peace.”

Still confused? You should be! I’m as high as a fucking kite after reading that. I still have no idea what the hell Full Circle is. Thankfully, they made a video (YAAAASSSS) to explain their movement a bit better.

Of COURSE that’s the video they made. It’s as if Urban Outfitters started a religion with an enchanted bag of mushrooms, a pair of devil sticks, and a come-to-life drug rug using start up capital borrowed from the drug rug’s trust fund. It’s like if Coachella was a cult for hipsters (“It’s not???” – Vanessa Hudgens).

And I really want to know what that dog at the 0:41 mark thinks of this mess. Never mind, his doggy side-eye says it all.

Pic: Facebook

Suave Pepaw Joe Biden Likes To Go Skinny Dipping

“Listen babe, what you see is what you get – little JB don’t get no shrinkage. It goes in looking like a pool noodle and it stays looking like a pool noodle. Next question? Yeah, you in the red with the sweet rack. Stand up sugar, let Joey B get a good look at ya.”

According to the soon-to-be released tell-all, The First Family Detail (via NY Daily News) some loose-lipped Secret Service agents have spilled the T on a bunch of higher-up Washington types, like the President and Hillary Clinton, but the best dirt is about Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, America’s sexy septuagenarian stud muffin likes to kick back at the end of a long day by stripping out of his suit, grabbing an ice-cold brewski and floating around naked in the pool. Unfortunately, some members of the Secret Service don’t much care for seeing Joe Biden’s bare ass:

Biden is portrayed as being more interested in coming off as a “regular Joe” than being potentially responsible for the nation’s nuclear codes.

“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude. Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”

I understand that seeing the flaccid wrinkled penis and saggy silver-haired balls of a 71-year-old isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but how bad could Joe Biden’s junk be? It probably looks like a sleepy little hairless mouse nestled in a fluffy pile of cotton. I feel like the real reason they’re offended is that no one has invented time travel yet and they can’t watch this hot young version of Joe Biden go skinny dipping instead:

Pics: Splash, Instagram

This Is Lifetime’s Newest Aaliyah

I say “newest”, because if Lifetime has taught me anything (besides always asking permission before you sleep with danger) it’s that they’re constantly searching for new ways to beat their own personal best in shitty decisions. The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime announced today that they’ve found an actress “black enough” to play Aaliyah in their upcoming made-for-TV disaster Aaliyah: Princess of R&B. 23-year-old Nickelodeon star Alexandra Shipp will fill the baggy Tommy jeans left by 17-year-old Disney star Zendaya, who dropped out when she realized what a career-killing shit show she’d signed up for.

And what a glorious messy shit show it will be! Wendy Williams (who sort of looks like Roger from American Dad! when he dresses up as a woman) has confirmed on Twitter that she’s signed on as executive producer. Not an assistant producer, but THE producer. That means someone has trusted Wendy Williams with calling all the shots. So for all of you who looked at Alexandra and thought “This might not be such a mess after all”, it looks like you were very wrong.

Now that Wendy Williams is taking over as captain of this televised Titanic, I’m sure her first order of business will be to fire Alexandra Shipp and re-cast the role of Aaliyah. And maybe it just so happens that Wendy forgets to tell people where and when she’s holding auditions, and the only person who shows up is a young up-and-coming actress by the name of “Mendy Milliams”. Even though Mendy is obviously just Wendy in a black wig and a crop-top, and the fact that the internet would no doubt take one look at her and declare that she’s not “human enough”, Lifetime will still hire her, because they’re all about that stunt casting. Hell, I’d watch it. Then again, who wouldn’t want to watch a 50-year-old bedraggled muppet slurring the words to a karaoke version of “More Than a Woman.”

Pic: Lifetime