Category: Good For You
Minka Kelly Says That She’s Not Dating Sean Penn
It looks like the decibel-shattering “GIRL, NOOOOO!” we all screamed after learning that crusty cold sore Sean Penn was trying to woo Minka Kelly has finally reached Minka Kelly’s ears. Two weeks ago, Sean treated Minka to a 35th birthday dinner at the fancy-ass restaurant French Laundry in Napa Valley, and thus the rumor that they were dating was born. If I were Minka and I found out that people were whispering that I might be getting familiar with Sean Penn’s parts, the first thing I’d do is approach a mirror and ask myself to look at my life, look at my choices. But what Minka did was hop on Twitter and explain that it’s not necessary to keep sending her pamphlets about living with low self-esteem, because she’s not Sean Penn’s new girlfriend.
Not my nature to address gossip but hoping this last one goes away already.
Not dating a friend I had a group dinner with.
#Sillymedia
— Minka Kelly (@minkakelly) July 15, 2015
“Hoping this last one goes away. No, really – I dry heave pretty hard every time someone asks me if I’m dating Sean Penn. Please, for the sake of my gag reflex, make it stop.”
I hope that Minka sent a copy of that Tweet to Sean Penn, because according to OK!, Sean is still trying to make her his next future ex-girlfriend. I would really love to know what that looks like, actually. I’m picturing a drunk Sean Penn on Minka’s front lawn screaming a love poem titled “Goddamn it, give me a fucking chance?” before getting down on one knee and throwing a promise ring taped to a broken cellphone at her bedroom window.
Pic: Wenn.com
Paula Abdul Got A Job On “So You Think You Can Dance”
And sadly, no, it’s not choreographing numbers with dance legend MC Skat Kat. But it SHOULD be. You really fucked up, So You Think You Can Dance producers. E! says that Paula Abdul can stop friending former American Idol contestants on LinkedIn, because she got a job as a judge on the 12th season of SYTYCD. 12 seasons! Have we not found someone who can dance yet?
Paula will be replacing Marie Osmond on meth Mary Murphy, and she’ll be joined by fellow new judge and “Talk Dirty” singer Jason Derulo. Cat Deeley will return as host, and Nigel Lythgoe will be back as a judge. Nigel says he’s “delighted” that Paula and Jason are joining him at the judges’ table, because – DUH – Paula Abdul is a national treasure and it’s an honor to be graced with her drowsy-voiced presence for even five seconds (which is really about how much time you get with a lucid Paula).
Paula Abdul has been either a judge or a guest judge on like 87% percent of reality talent shows on television, so it totally makes sense that she was given a job on SYTYCD. The fact that she’s a on-point choreographer was probably just a happy coincidence. I bet they didn’t even have to ask her if she wanted to be a judge; she just sensed there was an empty chair, flew to the studio on a cloud of shimmery eyeshadow dust and giggles and sparkling rosé bubbles, and was like “Okay, so when do I start?“
Missy Elliott Is Skinny Now
I’ve finally finished my week-long celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving, aka sitting on the couch watching The Deaner’s beady little sex possum eyes struggle to stay focused during Chopped Canada and stuffing my face full of Beavurducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a beaver stuffed with Kraft Dinner, as is our way). Except I still sort-of feel like a gravy-bloated maple-dipped trash hag, and seeing this picture of a skinny Missy Elliott isn’t helping things. I feel like she’s staring at me and thinking: “Would you like to borrow my balloon suit from the Supa Dupa Fly video?” Yes. Yes I would.
Missy Elliott Tweeted a picture of her newly-skinnay self after a performance for Alexander Wang’s H&M collection launch in New York on Thursday, and first things first, she looks great, the end. Stamp it, mail it, wait for the post office to lose it somewhere in Kansas. E! says Missy has yet to announce how she went from supa dupa fly to just dupa fly, but she’s spoken in the past about being diagnosed with Graves’ disease and being committed to living a healthy lifestyle, like eating right and exercising. Well, there go my hopes of Missy Elliott ever coming to my all-star Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. Looks like it’s just gonna be me and Bruce Jenner fighting over the wishbone.
Personally, I like my Missy a little on the chunkier side, but if she wants to de-chunk, then more power to her. Bitch looks straight-up great. However, the only thing I can’t get behind is that long-ass Flavor of Love-looking clip-in hair and that circa-2002 trucker hat. I don’t care if it’s $800 hair, Missy needs to lose the My Little Pony tail. That orange ombre hair belongs on the heads of strippers and chicks from Buffalo, NY. And that hat! Skinny Missy sort of looks Viola Davis in the face, and Viola Davis would NEVER with that busted hat! Viola Davis knows how to get away with murder, so maybe she can take care of that tragic trucker hat for Missy. Make it disappear, Viola! No witnesses!
Pic: Twitter
Lindsay Lohan’s Speed-The-Plow Reviews Weren’t Awful
Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.
Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.
The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”
Hermione Granger Finally Graduated From Brown University
— Emma Watson (@EmWatson) May 25, 2014
Emma Watson, aka Hermione Granger from Harry Potter if you’re into wizards and the Alexis Neiers character from The Bling Ring if you’re into Bebe shoe justice, posted this picture of herself in her cap and gown to Twitter to show that after 5 years, she finally graduated from Brown University on Sunday with a degree in English Literature. Emma got in to Brown in 2009, but took a break to promote Harry Potter 8, and recently told Elle that most people doubted she’d actually finish school, since school is for fools when you’re making those delicious Hollywood dollars. But since she’s more Hermione than Alexis, she chose to be smart:
“I kept saying, ‘I don’t care.’ This is what I want. And graduating will, for me, be really symbolic of all of that. I will be there. And I will be throwing a huge party. And getting very drunk.”
Since the only book-to-film that matters in my life is Mommie Dearest (sunglasses please), I’ve never seen a single Harry Potter movie. However, I am aware that getting paid to wave magical wands around for 8 movies have made those wizard chirruns richer than Jesus and Simon Cowell’s left titty pup and if they really wanted to, they could blow their money on coke and jet-skis and a monkey butler and coke. So it warms my heart to see a former child star grow up and invest their money in an education, even if a degree in English Literature is about as useful as an expired Subway sub club card, but whatever. Congratulations on not going Lohan with your life, Emma!
Shitty Entitled Toddler Actually Did Something Non-Shitty By Donating $545,000 To Charity
It took every ounce of my willpower not to write that as: SHITTY SHITHEAD ASSHOLE GAVE AWAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN A PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO APPEAR 0.000000001% LESS SHITTY THAN WE KNOW HE IS, and I’ll be honest, I actually wrote and deleted it 4 times before my brain up and left, hissing “You traitor” as it slammed the door. So take comfort knowing that delivering the news of Justin Bieber doing something halfway decent hurts me as much as it hurts you to read it.
On Thursday evening, Talky Tina’s spoiled asshole Canadian cousin Justin Bieber attended the amfAR gala fundraiser in France (“Sorry for dumping all our trash on you this week” – North America) and TMZ says he shocked everyone in attendance by going the whole evening without needing a change of Pull-Ups. NO! It was because some rich guy made a $545,000 donation to AIDS research and Justin Bieber matched it. He was then asked if he was sure he wanted to pledge such a large amount (“Wouldn’t you rather spend that money on baseball cards and Airheads, little boy?”) and Justin confirmed that, yes, he wanted to donate more than half a million dollars to AIDS research.
Every last fibre of my being wants to find out why exactly he’s done something so kind, but all I can come up with is that his PR team is sick of waking up with pink eye every morning from constantly being eyeball-deep in shit, and it was either donate a fuckload of money or go vonulteer at Habitat for Humanity. And since Justin isn’t big enough yet to use power tools or read the numbers on a tape measurer, writing a cheque was the easiest, most toddler-safe way to go.