Break Out The Lisa Frank Wedding Invitations! Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece Are Engaged!

The Butterfly Rainbow Unicornie Princess and Billionaire Shrek have been a thing for less than a year and in pictures they have the chemistry of a dehydrated rutabaga and wet tampon lint, but who cares! They’re still a perfect match, because James Packer is worth billions upon billions of dollars and Mariah Carey is the kind of luxurious swan who is bored with dipping into her own vault of millions to buy her own diamonds. Besides why buy diamonds when you can buy the entire diamond mine?

E! News reported last night that James Packer got on one knee and asked Mimi to be his third wife. He did it in front of her friends at the restaurant Eleven Madison Park in NYC. E! doesn’t have many details about the proposal ceremony, but since this is Mimi we’re talking about, I’m probably not exaggerating when I say that children in cherub costumes danced to one of her songs around her before buff dudes in pink angel costumes lifted her on a unicorn. The unicorn carried her out to the restaurant’s loading dock where a crane carefully put a 10 ton diamond boulder ring on her butterfly finger. Speaking of the ring, Dlisted has an EXCLUSIVO picture of it:

Please. Mimi wipes her Hello Kitty anus with diamonds that are bigger than that tiny thing. The Daily Mail has pictures of Mimi’s actual engagement ring and it’s bigger than Liechtenstein. It’s a 35 carat flawless diamond ring. A jewelry expert thinks it retails for around $7.5 million. I am a little disappointed with that ring, honestly. I was expecting a 50 carat pink diamond ring that opens up to reveal a little diamond ballerina twirling to “Always Be My Baby.” That must be Mimi’s real engagement ring and that 35 carat diamond ring is just her casual daytime bling.

This will be Mimi’s third marriage too. Gossip Cop says that she’s still technically married to Nick Cannon. Their divorce hasn’t been made official yet.

A tear is slowly trickling down my cheek as I think about how exquisitely tasteful this wedding is going to be. But then again, since this will be the third marriage for both of them and it’s all about their everlasting love, I’m sure it’ll be a very simple wedding. And by “simple” I mean it’ll cost $100 million instead of $300 million. Okay, it’ll cost $110 million. I mean, Mimi just has to be led down the aisle by 12 baby blue-dyed swans in diamond tiaras.

Pic: Lisa Frank, Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Is Trying To Trademark More Words, Including “Swiftmas”

For those of you thinking “What in the ever-loving hell is a Swiftmas“, allow me to explain: it’s a made-up word that might soon get your ass sued into the poor house by Taylor Swift’s team of trademark lawyers if you dare utter it. Even though Tay Tay’s monthly bank statements read “Current Balance: $$$RICH AS FUCK“, UsWeekly says the world’s wealthiest American Girl doll has gone ahead and decided to trademark some more words.

According to a blog called Tantalizing Trademarks (which totally sounds like a burlesque club for patent attorneys), Tay Tay’s people have applied for trademarks for the words “Swiftmas“, “Blank Space“, “And I’ll Write Your Name“, “A Girl Named Girl“, and “1989“. Good lord, you know your Get Money Game is out of control when you try to trademark a year. While we’re still allowed to talk about it without receiving an angry cease-and-desist letter, Swiftmas is the annual holiday tradition where Taylor Swift creeps on a bunch of her fans and puts together Christmas presents for them. And now their Swiftmas gifts will come with a legal document about trademark violation taped to the top of the box and directions to the nearest notary public.

If the trademark office stamps APPROVED on Tay Tay’s list, they’ll join her collection of trademarked phrases, which includes her name, “T. S.“, “Party Like It’s 1989“, “Cause We Never Go Out Of Style”, “Could Show You Incredible Things“, “Nice To Meet You. Where You Been?“, and the most cringeworthy jewel in her Pretty Pretty Princess crown, “This Sick Beat.”

That is so many goddamn words. When will it end? You’re right, it never will. It’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay owns the rights to so many phrases that we’re forced to cut her a check every time we open our mouths. Here’s the future owner of 1/25th of the words in the dictionary arriving from Australia at LAX last night.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Gavin Rossdale Won’t Be Coming For Gwen Stefani’s Cash During Their Divorce Settlement

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen fixing myself a strong drink. It’s the only thing that will soothe my neck muscles after I violently shake my head in disbelief that a less famous type didn’t try to drain all the cash from the more famous type’s checking account during their divorce.

According to TMZ, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are almost officially divorced after calling it quits on their 13-year-long marriage almost 3 months ago. Well, that was quick. I was expecting they’d try to get a little more mileage out of their split than a single nanny-banging rumor and a shitty song. Eh, to each their own, I guess. Anyway, Gwen and Gavin didn’t have a prenup, but TMZ says Gavin won’t go buck wild and hoover up half of Gwen’s assets. A source claims he agreed to “far less” than the 50% he could have received. Come on, TMZ, I need to know numbers! Does he get 30%? 19%? A case of slightly damaged Harajuku Lovers perfumes that he can hock on eBay? Give me something.

However, he will get the kids (sort of). Technically Gwen and Gavin will split custody of their kids, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. But because Gwen’s touring schedule has her all over the place, Gavin will take care of the kids the majority of the time. No word on who gets primary custody of the paps who follow them to their acupuncture appointments.

I still can’t believe that Gavin Rossdale didn’t back a truck up to the courthouse and instruct Gwen to dump half her money inside. Sure, Gavin might have been busting his nuts in anything with a gorgeous head of hair during their marriage, but that’s no reason not to get money. Especially when nobody signed a prenup. I’m sure there are plenty of greedy hos out there who are cursing out Gavin for not reinforcing his pelvis and humping on Gwen Stefani’s metaphorical wallet until there was nothing left inside but a cartoon moth. You’ve let a lot of get money bitches down today, Gavin.

Pic: Splash

Harry Shearer Won’t Be Leaving “The Simpsons” After All

Thank Jeebus! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mr. Burns or Otto or Stupid Sexy Flanders just yet. Two months after he declared he was done-diddly-un with The Simpsons, Entertainment Weekly says Harry Shearer has changed his mind and has agreed to return for the 27th season.

Harry Shearer originally decided to walk away from The Simpsons and a $14 million 2-year contract because he wanted the freedom to do other work and didn’t like his cut of the merchandising dollars, but something must have changed during negotiations. My guess was that FOX threatened to release the hounds or the robotic Richard Simmons, but it sounds like it came down to money. EW says that Harry Shearer has signed the exact same contract as everyone else, which means he’s locked in for the next four years and will make more than $300,000 per episode. Each season usually has about 22 episodes, which means Harry Shearer is looking at more than $26.4 million. I hope the first word out of his mouth when he looked at that number was a Mr. Burns-style “Excellent.”

No word on whether or not he’ll see any merchandising money, but I’m sure he could always ask Fat Tony to shake down the folks at Butterfinger for a couple bucks if he really wants them.

A four year contract means a ton of money, but it also means everyone has to stick around if the writers hit the 600 episode mark and really start to run out of ideas. At least they can crawl into a giant pile of dollars in the event they sit down for a table read and see the words “The Simpsons Do…Something. Go to Mars? Buy a kangaroo? IDK” written on the top of the script.

Pic: Splash

Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece Are Meeting With A “Spiritual Adviser” Before Getting Engaged

If you stare at Mimi’s Magic Eye dress long enough, you may see a sinking sailboat, which is a symbol of her relationship with her Australian billionaire, I guess.

My dog’s relationship with the piece of chicken-flavored rawhide that he’s been gnawing on for the past 2 days has gone on longer than Mimi’s relationship with Australian billionaire James Packer, but they’re still getting serious about getting married. It makes sense. Who cares if Mimi probably hasn’t met his family and turns into a human question mark when you ask her what his middle name is! The only thing she needs to know is that he has enough money to hire scientists to make her a real-life pink unicorn. SOLD! Who cares if James Packer’s brain turns off when you ask him what Mimi’s birthday is. The only thing he needs to know is that if he wants to get into Mimi’s Hello Pussy, he better put a 14 carat purple diamond ring on her ringer.

A source tells TMZ that Mimi and the come-to-life Minecraft character want to get engaged, but before they do, they’re going to meet with some spiritual leader. The source says that today, Mimi and James are taking his private jet to Israel to meet with a spiritual leader type whom he knows well. Once they do that, they’re going to hit the fast forward button on their marriage plans even though she’s still married to Nick Cannon.

James Packer was Tommy Girl’s best bitch for a minute and he stuck his tip in L. Ron Hubbard’s Thetan-covered asshole for a minute, so I’m picturing this “spiritual adviser” as John Travolta in a white gown with an e-meter. I wish Mimi would join Scientology. She’d bring that church of crazy down. While rambling about lambs and moments during her audit, the e-meter machine would explode and the walls would come crumbling down.

I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell them that they’re both crazy wrecks who need to slow down and that Mimi doesn’t need to get married in order to fuck. Ha. No, I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell Mimi that James Packer is her soulmate and they should unite their love before GOD and the spiritual leader will say that right after James slips him a blank check.

Here’s the ethereal Wuzzle and Frankenbillionaire strolling through Portofino, Italy yesterday.

Pic: FameFlynet