Gavin Rossdale Won’t Be Coming For Gwen Stefani’s Cash During Their Divorce Settlement

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen fixing myself a strong drink. It’s the only thing that will soothe my neck muscles after I violently shake my head in disbelief that a less famous type didn’t try to drain all the cash from the more famous type’s checking account during their divorce.

According to TMZ, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are almost officially divorced after calling it quits on their 13-year-long marriage almost 3 months ago. Well, that was quick. I was expecting they’d try to get a little more mileage out of their split than a single nanny-banging rumor and a shitty song. Eh, to each their own, I guess. Anyway, Gwen and Gavin didn’t have a prenup, but TMZ says Gavin won’t go buck wild and hoover up half of Gwen’s assets. A source claims he agreed to “far less” than the 50% he could have received. Come on, TMZ, I need to know numbers! Does he get 30%? 19%? A case of slightly damaged Harajuku Lovers perfumes that he can hock on eBay? Give me something.

However, he will get the kids (sort of). Technically Gwen and Gavin will split custody of their kids, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. But because Gwen’s touring schedule has her all over the place, Gavin will take care of the kids the majority of the time. No word on who gets primary custody of the paps who follow them to their acupuncture appointments.

I still can’t believe that Gavin Rossdale didn’t back a truck up to the courthouse and instruct Gwen to dump half her money inside. Sure, Gavin might have been busting his nuts in anything with a gorgeous head of hair during their marriage, but that’s no reason not to get money. Especially when nobody signed a prenup. I’m sure there are plenty of greedy hos out there who are cursing out Gavin for not reinforcing his pelvis and humping on Gwen Stefani’s metaphorical wallet until there was nothing left inside but a cartoon moth. You’ve let a lot of get money bitches down today, Gavin.

Pic: Splash