Category: Frank Ocean

The Sads: Frank Ocean Didn’t Actually Write A Beautiful Swear On That Chipotle Check

March 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Damnit damnit damnit fuck fuck shit. Well, that’s just great. I thought I’d found true love the minute I laid eyes on that check Frank Ocean returned to Chipotle after backing out of a commercial and the beautiful, eloquent message contained within, but now TMZ is saying that Frank Ocean didn’t actually write FUCK OFF in the memo line of the check before he sent it back. What a shame; a true blue cunt is really hard to come by these days.

Shortly after Frank posted a picture of his Chase-blue middle finger to Chipotle, TMZ says that a rep for the awful burrito chain (real truth; I’ve never had a burrito from Chipotle that didn’t taste like a cold, guac-filled diaper) came forward to defend their honor and blow a shady kiss at Ocean by saying that the cheque they received had a blank memo line. Which means that the FUCK OFF check Frank posted to his Tumblr was photoshopped. I know! Something on the internet wasn’t real? MON DIEU!

So Frank Ocean isn’t actually the shady-shader I thought he was. God, I feel like such a fool! Now what am I supposed to do with this engagement ring, 3 dozen long-stemmed roses, and instructions for a sky writer to write ‘I’LL BE FRANK…MY LOVE FOR YOU IS ENDLESS, LIKE AN OCEAN’? I mean, I always sorta knew he wouldn’t be totally into it, but I figured we could work something out. Like I bake cookies while he writes FUCK OFF on shit around the house; you know, normal husband/wife stuff. Well, I guess it’s back to searching for true love on ShadeThrowingHatersWhoDontGiveAFuck.com for me.

Frank Ocean Tells Chipolte How He Truly Feels About Them Suing His Ass

March 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Authentic Mexican cuisine emporium Chipolte threw a lawsuit at Frank Ocean (government name: Christopher Breaux, for now) last week after he agreed to do a cover of “Pure Imagination” for their “Scarecrow” campaign and then pulled out without giving them shit. Chipolte paid him $212,500 and they were going to pay him another $212,500 after he burped out the song. But he changed his mind and now they’re suing him, and worse he’s probably banned from all Chipoltes and will never eat a burrito bowl AGAIN. (No, they’re money hungry whores, they’ll still take his money.)

Frank and Chipolte made the deal last summer and he was told the song would be used in a campaign to promote local and sustainably-sourced food. Frank knew that the money was coming from Chipolte and he knew it was an advertisement for Chipolte. Chipolte showed Frank a rough cut of the animated commercial that would show while his song played. Frank didn’t say anything then, but the day the song was due, he told them to open up their hands and he spread his cheeks and farted a whole lot of nothing into their palms. He told them that he didn’t want to do the song.

Frank’s people claim that he backed out of the deal, because he thought it was a campaign to promote responsible farming and didn’t like that Chipolte was going to stamp their logo at the end of the ad. That makes sense, because that would be crazy of Chipolte to put their logo on an ad that they’re paying for. Fiona Apple ended up doing the song instead.

Frank decided to leave the lawyers out of it and instead he gave them back their $212,500 and left a little love note in the memo. Frank Ocean posted the cashier’s check on his Tumblr today:

frankoceanchipolte2014

So Frank Ocean agreed to the job, took the check, decided he didn’t want to do the job, didn’t give the money back right away and when they threw a lawsuit at his face, he finally returned the money and told them to fuck off? It’s a total bratty, bitchy, trashy fuck wad move, but I’m still giving him a delicate opera clap, because writing “fuck off” in the memo of a check is the redefinition class. That’s what the memo part of a check is for! If you don’t write “for the hand job and anal (deducting $50 for the Valtrex I’ll have to buy)” in the memo part of a check, you’re writing a check wrong.

And you know somebody’s Florida cousin is going to print out that check, write their name in Wite Out over that black box and try to cash it.

Presenting One Of Time’s Most Influential People Of 2013…

April 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?

TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you’re going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she’s also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth.

See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!

And here’s the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time’s most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty’s fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke’s stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma “Touched By A Plastic Surgeon” Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom’s boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.

The Difficult Brown Stays Mad

February 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn’t love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would’ve called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I’d like to think that he didn’t stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn’t want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.

But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn’t Fist Brown refusing to stand, it’s the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire’s favorite outfits. Now that’s some shit to stand up for.

Frank Ocean Is Not Pressing Charges Against Chris Brown

February 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!

Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he’s going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he’s a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.

AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.

Meanwhile, Frank’s producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown’s Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That’s when a big dude in Chris’ entourage fisted one of Frank’s friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris’ friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.

Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita’s dentures out.)

I don’t know what’s worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can’t look at you, Frank Ocean!

The Difficult Brown Thinks He’s Jesus On The Cross

January 29, 2013 / Posted by:

After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” By the look of this painting, I’m guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus’ rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn’t Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!

While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says that Chris Brown hasn’t been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown’s dudes and Frank Ocean’s dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it’s early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There’s no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.

Chris Brown’s lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn’t have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:

Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!

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