Category: Failed Gold Diggers
Ryan Sweeting’s Spousal Support Dreams Have Been Crushed
Woe is Ryan Sweeting! Poor Ryan Sweeting probably thought that when he scores a giant monthly spousal support check from Kaley Cuoco, he’d finally be able to switch from ironing his locks straight with an actual iron Tracy Turnblad-style to regular Keratin treatments. But sadly for him, he’s can’t throw that iron out anytime soon. Because Ryan Sweeting and Kaley Cuoco’s divorce has been finalized and it doesn’t look like he’ll be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame.
I Wouldn’t Induct Jessica Lowndes Into The Shameless Gold Digger Club Just Yet…..
Over the weekend, 27-year-old Jessica Lowndes (that’s Adrianna to the four of us who watched the 90210 reboot) got herself some attention on Instagram when she queefed up post after post about a mystery older sugar daddy who’s filling her chocha with his liver spots-ridden fingers and slathering her in diamonds. The president of the Society of Gold Diggers, Heather Mills, probably held back on sending Jessica a tiny gold shovel membership pin, because her posts were suspect from the beginning. Jessica’s Instagram posts about her sugar pepaw came out of nowhere and came off about as natural and believable as her acting skills. Part of me guessed that Jessica finally got a job as a spokeswhore for SeekingArrangement.com. But then last night, 58-year-old Jon Lovitz blew minds out of heads (not really) when he revealed himself as Jessica’s rich old piece by tweeting this picture of them together and calling her his “bunny.” Jon Lovitz’s “Yes, tricks, this is what I have to do for attention now” face pretty much says everything that needs to be said.
When Post-Sex Selfie Blackmail Goes Wrong
Jaromir Jagr is a 43-year-old professional hockey player from the Czech Republic who currently plays for the Florida Panthers. Jaromir isn’t married and he recently boned an 18-year-old model. The model took a post-fuck selfie of them in bed together. Either the model or someone else threatened to release the selfie if Jaromir didn’t give them $2,000, because you know, a 40-something professional athlete screwing a barely legal model is some career-ruining scandalous shit. Only it isn’t. It would’ve been more shocking if the chick in bed with him was his age. Jaromir knows it ain’t no big deal, so he said, “I don’t care,” to the blackmailer’s demands. Whoops.
The Czech tabloid Blesk (via The Daily Beast) was the first to report the failed extortion attempt. Some reports claim that the 18-year-old model, known as “Catherine from Moravia,” was the blackmailer. Other reports claim that the picture made the rounds on Czech social media and someone other than “Catherine” tried to use it get money out of Jaromir. The blackmailer ended up with a handful of nothing, because when they told Jaromir that they were going to leak the picture if he didn’t pay them $2,000, he literally said, “I don’t care.” That sad extortion conversation probably went a little something like this:
Blackmailer: We want $2,000.
JJ: No.
Blackmailer: Okay, $500!
JJ: No.
Blackmailer: Pay our Netflix bill for a year?
JJ: No.
Blackmailer: Okay, last offer, two Quarter Pounders from McDonald’s and a 3-day bus pass.
JJ: No.
Blackmailer: Reimburse us for this call then?
JJ: No.
If Catherine was the blackmailer, that’s two thousand layers of sad, because it’s always a tragic day when a gold digger doesn’t meet her goal. It would also be sad, because Catherine is apparently dating Czech junior player Dominik Rudl and this exposes her ass. Whoever the blackmailer was, they should’ve known that Jaromir Jagr is already a member of the National League Of No Fucks To Give. There’s many, many more embarrassing pictures of Jaromir out there. I mean, there’s picture after picture of him looking like this:
If Jaromir doesn’t care about a picture of him with a “horse with a bad Ogilvie home perm” mullet, he’s definitely not going to care about a picture of him in bed with a naked 18-year-old model.
Pic: AP
When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer
If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.
Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.
But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.
It’s A Tragic Day In Gold Digging History: Anna Nicole Smith’s Estate Has Lost The Battle For J. Howard Marshall’s Millions
After almost 20 years of fighting for a piece of the Marshall family fortune, Team Anna Nicole has lost for the last time and sadly this story won’t end with Dannielynn Birkhead sitting on top of a mountain of diamonds, gold coins and bricks of cash. A gold digger-hating U.S. District judge named Judge David O. Carter put an end to Team Anna Nicole’s attempts at getting some of that Marshall money. Dannielynn Birkhead will probably never see one penny from the Marshall family, because Anna Nicole’s estate is all out of moves.
This gold digging saga started in 1995 when Anna Nicole’s 90-year-old Texas billionaire husband of one year J. Howard Marshall II died and left his entire $1.6 billion estate to his son E. Pierce Marshall and left nothing to Anna and his other son J. Howard Marshall III. Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall III fought to overturn the will. They lost. Anna later declared bankruptcy and a bankruptcy court awarded her $475 million. The judge ruled that she had a right to that money due to “E. Pierce Marshall’s improper interference with his father’s estate.” But E. Pierce Marshall appealed and it went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court where the judgement from the bankruptcy court was overturned twice.
E. Pierce Marshall died in 2006 and Anna Nicole followed him a year later. But the saga continued.
Michael Strahan And Nicole Murphy Might Have Called It Quits Over Either A Messy Prenup Fight Or A Side-Piece
There’s nothing that makes me sadder than hearing about a prenup coming between a thirsty gold-digging ho and her delicious divorce dollars. Hey prenup, what’s your problem? Why can’t you let a wallet-humping bitch be great?
According to Page Six, that spiteful killjoy of a legal document might be the reason former NFL player and current chipper morning TV host Michael Strahan and celebrity ex-wife Nicole Murphy called off their 5-year engagement. A source claims that prior to getting married, Michael wanted Nicole to sign a prenup, which Nicole refused, probably because a woman with such a tight eyebrow game knows you never sign a prenup when there’s a chance you could get your hands on some sweet Live! with Kelly and Michael money. However, Michael wouldn’t budge; even though he already knows what happens when a prenup comes back to bite you in your rich ass. The source also says that even though he asked Nicole to sign a prenup, Michael has always been very generous to her, especially after she lost $7 million dollars of her Eddie Murphy divorce winnings to a shady investment scheme. Regardless, they couldn’t come to an agreement about the prenup, so they called their engagement off.
BUT!! According to TMZ, Michael and Nicole’s split has less to do with wallet humping and more to do with actual humping. A source close to the couple (Kelly Ripa’s erect bellybutton) claims Michael was sniffing around at a pussy that wasn’t attached to Nicole. Eventually she found out and dramatically whipped her engagement ring at his face (I assume) and called the whole thing off. Of course, neither the reps for Michael nor Nicole have commented on why they split.
Damn, so much drama from what I thought was a bonafide member of the Boring Couples Club. First prenup drama, then cheater drama. What’s next? Another “source” coming forward to say that the real REAL reason they called off their engagement is because Michael was having a steamy affair with Kelly’s gigantic bellybutton. That homewrecking hussy! You can’t trust an outie bellybutton that large! It will make you lose your lunch and steal your man!