Porsha From The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Is Dating A Dictator’s Son

And a failed gold digger continues to fail at gold digging…

TMZ says that Porsha Williams, the fart-brained bobblehead doll from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is following up her last failed gold digging mission with another gold digging mission that’s either going to end with the feds confiscating her Rolls Royce or with her disappearing after taking a private jet to Equatorial Guinea. Porsha broke up  with her dinosaur-looking ass husband Kordell Stewart last year and she’s getting a whole lot of nothing in the divorce settlement. So she picked up her shovel and started digging for gold again. Porsha has hit gold, but this time the gold’s covered in blood.

Porsha is supposedly dating 42-year-old Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mangue, the son of African dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo. So we don’t confuse our brains, let’s call the son “Teodoro” and the dad “Crazy Bitch.” Teodoro’s dad has been the President of Equatorial Guinea since 1979 and he refuses to get off of his throne. Wikipedia says that while most of the people of Equatorial Guinea don’t have access to clean drinking water, Crazy Bitch and his family are living the gold-plated high life. Forbes claims that Crazy Bitch has a net worth of $600 million and the US Department of Justice believes that he and his son got most of that money through corruption. In 2011 and 2012, the French and US government snatched away a ton of Crazy Bitch and his son’s assets including homes and cars.

Crazy Bitch is considered one of the most corrupt rulers in the world and his opponents have accused him of killing and eating parts of his enemies to gain power.

And Porsha Williams is dating his son. TMZ says that Teodoro, who lives in Malibu, and Porsha haven’t been dating long, but he’s already bought her a Rolls Royce, Louboutins and crap from Chanel. He’s planning to buy her a multi-million dollar mansion in Atlanta.

Pinto Williams needs to have a seat in the back row and stay there, because the gold digging game is not for her. Leave it to the adults, Porsha. Porsha got nothing from her divorce and now she’s dating the son of a crazy, ruthless dictator who is being investigated for embezzlement? Having no brains and no moral compass is no way to go through life.

Porsha knows as much about gold digging as she does about African-American history.

OctoSana’s Mouth Cost Her $375,000

The entire gold digging community bowed their heads and poured one out yesterday for Mad Mel Gibson’s ex-piece and the mother of his kid Oksana Grigorieva when her status changed from “gold digger” to “failed gold digger” after she filed for bankruptcy. OctoSana claimed that she’s got only $10 cash in her coin purse and she’s $438,000 in the hole. It was a sad day for all gold diggers and it gets worse….

In 2011, OctoSana did the dumb bitch move of all dumb bitch moves by turning down Mad Mel’s offer to settle for $15 million, because she and her lawyers thought she could get more. She didn’t. A judge later ruled that Mad Mel must pay her $750,000 in 5 installments until 2016. As part of the settlement deal, OctoSana promised to not let Mel Gibson’s name come out of her mouth to the media. OctoSana broke that little rule when she went on Howard Stern in October.

TMZ notes that Howard brought up Mel a lot and OctoSana kept it brief, but she still answered questions about him. The full interview is here if your ears need that. Mad Mel Gibson’s lawyers felt like OctoSana violated their settlement agreement and took it to the courts! The judge reviewed the interview and after Mad Mel slipped the judge a check with four zeros on it (probably), they ruled that OctoSana did violate the settlement agreement. The judge ruled that OctoSana gave up the rest of her settlement by talking to Stern about Mad Mel. Mad Mel still owed her $375,000 and now she’s not going to get any of it.

I listened to Howard’s interview with OctoSana again and she didn’t really say anything about him directly. Howard would ask her a question about Mad Mel and she’d spit out non-direct answers like, “it’s too painful to talk about,” or “thank you.” But she should’ve never went on Howard in the first place. If she couldn’t resist the urge to not scratch her fame whore gene and she just had to go on Stern, she should’ve done what she did when Mel told her to blow him: kept her pool noodle lips shut the entire time.

So now OctoSana is as bankrupt as her lips and she won’t get another cent from Mad Mel unless she takes up his offer to blow him for $5 and you know he offered her that since he still hasn’t gotten a blow job in decades. The sadness of it all. I’m going to go and re-read old Elin Nordegren posts, because my soul needs a feel-good gold digger story.

Bitch Is Broke: The OctoSana Edition

Back in 2011, Mad Mel Gibson’s ex-gold digging piece and the mother of his poor child, Oksana Grigorieva, made the entire gold digging community hit their foreheads with their shovels while saying “DOH!” when she stupidly turned down a $15 million settlement from that Jew-hating, maniacal, dried-up Rottweiler testicle. If Oksana took that money, she’d be cackling into the night air while her high-paid sex slaves blew HER before jacuzzi. But Oksana got super greedy and thought she could pull more gold coins out of Mad Mel’s pockets if she dragged his charbroiled dingo goiter face in front of a judge in court. Oksana gambled and lost, because the judge awarded her a $750,000 settlement, which Mad Mel has to pay in installments until 2016. It was a sad day in gold digging history. We all lowered our shovels at half-mast. And now, OctoSana’s checking account is as empty as Mel Gibson’s sanity tank.

TMZ says that she recently filed for bankruptcy, because she only has a $10 bill to her name and has $48,000 in assets, but owes $438,000. She gets $20,000 a month in child support from Mad Mel for their daughter Lucia and she gets $2,500 a month in child support from Timothy Dalton for their son Alexander. OctoSana is a singer and an artist, but she’s only made $200 in 6 months from royalties and she sold one painting for $500. A major chunk of her debts is from legal bills. OctoSana went through 40 lawyers during her custody bitch fight with Mad Mel and she owes her attorneys around $250,000.

Oh, OctoSana, I had such high gold digging hopes for you….

You can’t just take your settlement and inject it all directly into your lips. Noted gold diggers turned serious business women like Kimora Lee and Heather Mills (um, she did reach for the entrepreneurial stars with that failed Vegan fast-food restaurant) should take OctoSana under their wing and teach her how to turn a pile of an old rich man’s money into four piles of your own money, because this is just dreadful.  Now OctoSana has to take her face to her back alley plastic surgeon’s office and squeeze out some of that filler in her inner tube lips for a refund (plus a 20% restocking fee). The worst part of all of this is that glum cunt Mel is probably smug cunt Mel today.

A Sad Day In Gold Digging History

Former HSOTD Brynne Edelsten is a delicate, exquisitely cut California jewel who became one of my gold digging idols when she married multi-millionaire Australian medical entrepreneur Geoffrey Edelsten in Australia’s most expensive wedding extravaganza in 2009. I always had high hopes for Brynne’s gold digging career. I wanted her to show the gold digging haters that a factory-defected Barbie from Mattel could climb up the ladder of shovels and proclaim that crown. Brynne was supposed to stay married to Geoffrey until death did them part and then she’d inherit his fortune and use the money to buy pink diamond-encrusted monokinis and a replica of Barbie’s Dream House on the Gold Coast. But sadly, that’s not going to happen, because 31-year-old Brynne and 70-year-old Geoffrey are done. That’s not the most tragic part. I mean, marriages end, whatever. The saddest part is that Geoffrey filed for bankruptcy in the US last week! Let us all fall to the ground, raise our fists up to the sky and scream, “God, why must you hate gold diggers, God, why?!”

New Idea says that their marriage woes really started in 2012 when Brynne found out that he met a fellow gold digger on sugardaddyforme.com (yes, I’ve just made that site my homepage) and took his hussy whore side piece to Miami with him. Brynne made a vow to stick with Geoffrey till a zero balance checking account does them part, so she forgave him for passing his wrinkled old worm dick to another gold digger. Brynne kept on, kept on, but around the same time she found out that she can’t give birth to children, she found out that Geoffrey made a secret love child with his ex-wife Leanne. Brynne and Geoffrey tried to save their marriage by going to counseling, but it was too late. Brynne and Geoffrey both agreed to end their 4 year marriage.

Brynne told 9News last night that she has no plans to come back to the US. She’s going to stay in Australia and continue to shoot her reality show.

When I first read this last night, I figured that Geoffrey did a sinful act against all that is holy by dumping the demure whore rose for his new slut, because Brynne would never ever leave him. She’s a devoted wife who takes her vows seriously. But it all made sense when I found out that he filed for bankruptcy, is selling his penthouse and had to borrow cash from his mother. How cold-hearted can Geoffrey be? He fucked some side tricks, fine. He shot a load of his dusty, moth jizz up into his ex-wife and made a baby, okay. But he lost his money? How dare he break his vows like that!

Brynne needs to dust herself off, grab her shovel and keep on digging, because there’s other old, rich, horny sugar daddies out there who will appreciate her elegance and won’t do her wrong by going broke!

Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride

You know it’s real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.

Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil’s son and when she wasn’t doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she’s made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef’s wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.

A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she’s her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she’d rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year’s Eve at the Playboy Mansion.

Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she’ll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal’s money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.