And Now It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s Turn To Work That Fancy Duvet Cover Couture!

As a proud nap enthusiast, I am loving the siesta sophistication being served up at these Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres! First it was Elizabeth Banks turning out gorgeous guest bedroom eleganza in London, and now we have Jennifer Lawrence working some flawless 5-star hotel room realness at the premiere in Los Angeles last night. That dress makes me want to order a $30 cheeseburger from room service and eat it in a pillow fort while watching a tasteful $20 adult film.

Now, I’m not sure what Jennifer Lawrence has stuffed under the skirt of her fancy Dior dress, but I will say this: it looks like it’s either comfortable as hell or a Slue Foot Sue nightmare. But knowing JLaw, there’s no way she’d cram herself into anything that would restrict a fart, so I’m going with “comfortable”. JLaw is smart – those Hunger Games movies are long as hell, and the best way to prevent getting a painful ass cramp from sitting too long is to make sure your butt is wrapped in a soft nest of plush booty cushioning.

Sadly, JLaw’s down-filled butt wasn’t my favorite look of the premiere. That honor goes to Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks (aka Elden Henson) who wore his hair in a gorgeous pair of formal gentleman braids!

The braids plus the bow tie make him look like sort of like a little girl at a dance recital that was like “Fuck this shit, I’m late for my job at the bank“. I love it! Here’s more of JLaw looking all kinds of comforter casual and Fulton Reed working a tight hair game last night, as well as Jena Malone serving up some drunk memaw at a wedding realness, and MISS DIANA ROSS!!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Diana Ross Is Officially Related To The Simpsons

Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.

UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.

UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.

And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.

Pics: Wenn.com

Ashlee Simpson And Evan Ross Celebrated Their Future Divorce With An Engagement Party

If this is the engagement party, I cannot wait to see what kind of Stevie Nicks meets an upscale fabric store meets a coke-snorting Muppet mess their wedding will be like. I should start making the bingo card right now: vaguely-Native American feather headdress, fringe, a dress that looks like it smells like patchouli, exchanging healing crystals instead of rings, Papa Joe Simpson filling up his dance card with the phone numbers of every 22-year-old bartender, server, and valet (that’s the free square in the middle).

On Wednesday night, former singer/actress and current hair extension enthusiast Ashlee Simpson and her fiancé Evan Ross (who should legally change his name to Spawnofdiana Ross, because that’s all that matters in this life) made the mistake of a lifetime by throwing themselves an engagement party on the same day as Diana Ross’s 70th birthday. Oooooooh…Ashlee Simpson, you in danger, girl. You had 365 days to pick from and you decided to throw your cheap Coachella-looking engagement party on the 70th day of the birth of The Queen Supreme? Sure, Diana Ross probably acted like it was no big deal, but believe this: she’s deep in her lair, plotting the most exquisitely evil of wedding-day sabotage, as a crow sits on her shoulder squawking: “I’ll show you, you jig-dancing bitch.”

At least Jessica Simpson has enough working brain cells to know that it’s Diana Ross’s birthday first, engagement party second; which is exactly why she came dressed up as a backup dancer:

Pics: Twitter, Instagram

Ashlee Simpson Is Going Be Diana Ross’ Daughter-In-Law

As expected, Diana Ross’ son Evan Ross and the hairy bow tie on his chin asked Ashlee Simpson to be his first wife after only a few months of bumping taints. Ashlee said yes, because what else does have to do? Bronx Mowgli’s mother twatted out this picture of her showing off her coochie-shaped ring and them looking like members of a cult you do not want to join. This shit is probably going to last about as long as Ashlee’s role on Melrose Place 2.0 lasted, but Miss Diana Ross is not taking any chances. She’s shaved her head, changed her name and is planning to move to a commune somewhere in Eastern Europe, because she’s not about to spend her holidays slapping Papa Joe’s hand away as he tries to play grab ass with her son. Miss Ross is not on this planet for that.

via People

Diana Ross’ Son Is Ready To Marry Into The Simpson Family

Because the paparazzi stopped showing up when they texted their exact location for a photo-op, Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson had to go to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere in L.A. to get their picture taken and while they were there reporters asked them about their relationship since what else is there to ask? Well, that’s not true. I’d ask Ashlee if she gets her chin so shiny by polishing it on the hairy bow tie patch on Evan’s chin. But omg! Insider asked Evan and Ashlee about how things are going  between them and he said that he can’t wait to deep throat her chin on their wedding night.

“Yeah, she’s the one. It’s amazing. I’m so in love and we’ve got amazing things going on. And we inspire each other.”

Evan said that he foresees them getting married soon. And I can see foresee Papa Joe’s hand playing a little under-the-table grab-ass during Thanksgiving dinner this year.

But what I want to know is, how does Diana Ross feel about her son linking her to that family of messes?

If my son came to me and told me that he’s been sucking stranger dick under a freeway overpass for money to buy meth, I’d tell him that I was proud of him, because instead of stealing from me he’s working for that meth money. That’s being responsible. If my son came to me and told me that he read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and actually liked them, I’d tell him I was disappointed, but we’ll get through this difficult time together. But if my son came to me and told me he wanted to marry Ashlee Simpson and I’d have to spend holidays with those crazies, I’d disown him, change my number, sell my house, change my face, change my social security number and never talk to him again. If you really want to hurt and get back at your parents, marry a Simpson.

Here’s more of Evan and Ashlee (looking like the fourth runner-up in 1994’s Miss Slovak Republic pageant) last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Evan Ross And Ashlee Simpson Are Still Doing It

I don’t even know what I meant by “it.” Call the paparazzi together? Sharing jeans? Practicing their precious puckers in the mirror together?

Here’s Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson at LAX today a couple of hours after they took advantage of the WiFi on Virgin America by emailing the paps their exact landing time. Never mind that Evan Ross looks like a casual Friday Morpheus, Diana Ross is going to rip off her wig and slap that douchey bow tie beard off of his chin for dragging her ass into the jacked up Simpson family. Diana Ross did not become Diana Ross so she could sit at the Thanksgiving table and slap away Papa Joe’s moist paw while he tries to play grab-ass with her son.

But Evan Moss did make me sway to the side and catch myself a bit with that pruned eyebrow peeking out of his sunglasses.

Pics: Splash