Tori Spelling And Dean McDermott Owe A Whole Lot Of Money To The IRS

Tori Spelling and The Deaner have just learned a very important lesson about money; it doesn’t matter how many times you cry “broke“, you still have to pay your taxes. According to E! News, the state of California has hit Tori and her possum-eyed husband with a tax lien to the tune of $259,108.23 in unpaid taxes from 2014. How very Iggy Azalea of them.

It’s not exactly shocking that two questionably-employed people like Tori and Dean owe the government several thousands of dollars. What I’m legitimately shocked at is that Tori and The Deaner made enough money in 2014 to owe the IRS almost $260,000. Who knew that Lifetime paid so well for fake reality shows about bangaholic dirtbag husbands?

Despite the fact that Tori was trying to convince People magazine back in March that she and The Deaner weren’t having money problems, this is the second time this year that they’ve owed someone a lot of money. Back in January, it was reported that Tori owed AmEx just under $38,000. It was also reported that when she tried to make a payment of $1070, the payment bounced. Tori’s mom Candy Spelling already covers her rent and pays for her groceries, so where is all of their money going? It certainly isn’t going towards opulent 43rd birthday parties in Europe, since we all know she charges people to attend those.

It’s no secret that Tori loves spending money more than she likes working, so it’s pretty obvious that she shouldn’t be trusted with figuring out their financial situation. Maybe The Deaner will be the one to step up and try to figure out a repayment plan for those unpaid taxes. Hmmm…I wonder what that plan would look like?

“Hola IRS! What’s crappening? As you may know, there’s some major cash issues crappening at Casa Spelling. We sorta forgot to pay our taxes in 2014. Whoops! Listen, $259,108.23 is really gonna cut into my monthly hot wings budget, so paying that back is gonna be a no-can-do. But here’s what we can do: come on down to my house and I’ll give you a spin on my hog. And maybe I’ll let you ride my motorcycle too. Hey-o! For real though, I can only pay you in motorcycle rides and fucking. Holler at The Deaner if you’re into it!”

Pic: Splash

You’ll Never Guess Who Charged Guests $300 To Attend Her Birthday Party

I know that picture totally gave it away, but let’s be honest; I’m confident that no matter what picture I used, everyone still probably would have correctly guessed Tori Spelling. You don’t become Hollywood’s most-shameless get-money-bitch by accident. Tori and The Deaner are still in Europe with their kids, and last week she rang in her 43rd birthday at a castle in Denmark. Those matching 10th anniversary tattoos must have drained a little too much cash from the party planning budget, because UsWeekly says that if you wanted to attend Tori’s birthday party, you had to fork over $300 first. Of course she did! Month-long European vacations don’t pay for themselves, after all.

A local newspaper called BT promoted Tori’s party a few days before it took place at Naesbyholm Castle, and they expected between 120-150 guests. Apparently there are at least 120 people in this world who are willing to spend $300 to watch Tori Spelling’s face get dangerously close to 43 candles, and they all live in Denmark. Guests also got to take a picture with Tori.

I just hope Tori has a Suze Orman-type in her life who persuaded her to put some of that birthday party money towards her $38,000 American Express bill. “No Tori, You have enough fake hair. Put some of that money into a repayment plan.”

Since Tori charged admission to her birthday party, and she’s all about getting money, I wonder what else she charged for? Whatever else the guests were required to pay for, I’m sure The Deaner broke it all down for them.

“Hvad er crappening, cheese danishes? So listen, don’t put your wallets away just yet. Cake is $40. If you want a picture of the birthday girl, that’s an extra $20. Gotta drain the lizard or take a dump? $5 toilet fee. Beer will set you back $30 a bottle. Hey, do me a favor – if you’re heading over to the bar, grab me a cold Carlsberg? Or warm – The Deaner ain’t picky when it comes to scoring free booze.”

Pic: Instagram

Guess Who Got Matching 10th Anniversary Tattoos?!?

No, not Janice the Muppet after an eye lift and a horny possum (but I can see how you’d make that mistake). The owners of said tattoo/future mistake are Tori Spelling and The Deaner. That’s right, the couple that has continued to define the words healthy, stable, and…whatever the opposite of shameless is got themselves a permanent reminder of their dysfunctional love. How romantic and not at all something that will one day be removed in 4-6 laser treatments during a docuseries called End of Our sTORI: My Divorce from Dean.

Tori and The Deaner decided to get matching 10th anniversary tattoos in Paris. I really wish I was bringing you the news that Tori got a tramp stamp that says DEANER, and Dean got a chest piece that says JACKPOT, but they kept it a little classier than that. Both Tori and Dean got the phrase “Tout mon coeur Toute ma vie“, which translates to “All my heart All my life” (or “My whole heart My whole life“, depending on who you ask).

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott get matching tattoos in Paris – Daily Mail: Daily MailTori Spelling and Dean… https://t.co/QAtx0WkEn0

— Tori Spelling (@ToriSpellingHQ) May 17, 2016

You can see more of their tattoo date, including a pic of a shirtless Dean, over at The Daily Mail.

Dean’s new tattoo joins the rest of his Tori-inspired tattoos. Shortly after The Deaner got busted for sticking his peener in some Canadian strange, he got their wedding vows tattooed on his torso. He also has a portrait of her face on his arm and her name above his dick. Apparently Dean is her husband and her most psychotic fan. But I can’t help but wonder how Dean and Tori ended up going with that specific tattoo. I bet Dean chose it, and it went a little something like this:

“Don’t worry babe, let me handle it. I’m Canadian, so obviously I speak French. Yo, garcon. Qu’est ce que c’est crappening? Moi et le wife want to get le tattoos. Something le romantique, but also…how you say…could apply to something else in the event I end up putting mon jambon in some random croissant and she dumps moi ass, you feel me? Maybe something like ‘all my heart, all my life’, cuz I fucking j’adore Miller High Life. Alright, garde-le sleazy.”

Pic: Instagram

Tori Spelling Got A Job Endorsing A Phone Psychic

Not that I ever doubted her, since there’s no bitch more committed than one with a gift wrapping room, but it turns out Candy Spelling was dead serious when she said she wasn’t handing over a dime to pay off Tori Spelling’s busted Amex bill. Instead, Tori Spelling had to go out and get a part-time job. Or at least the famous person equivalent of a part-time job.

Thanks to ET, we know that Tori Spelling is hustling for a psychic phone line. She must have blown her interview with Dionne Warwick at the Psychic Friends Network, because she had to settle for a company called Psychic Source. But I guess you can’t be that picky when you owe $38,000 to the credit card company. According to ET, Tori will serve as the Psychic Source’s celebrity partner and spokesperson. Tori says she considers herself to be an “expert” in psychics, and that her readings from Psychic Source have always been spot-on. And I’m sure every one of them began with the words “Tori, hang up the phone. I know what your bank account looks like in the future, and you can’t afford $3.99 a minute.”

No word on how many hours it will take Tori working for Psychic Source to pay off her Amex bill, but I do know she can have it paid off twice as fast if she gets The Deaner in on some of that Psychic Source action! What am I saying? Tori’s probably already got him working the phones.

“Hola, jokers – thanks for calling Psychic Source. You ready to find out what’s crappenin’ in your future? Trust me, you won’t be sorry; I can’t count the number of times I wish someone could have predicted the who-what-wheres of every morning I woke up hungover in a random tool shed with a raging case of itch dick. No, really, I can’t count that high.“

Here’s Tori while she was still on funemployment last week with her family at some Monster energy drink thing.

Pics: Psychic Source, Wenn.com

Bitch Got Sued: The Tori Spelling vs. Benihana Edition

And the next edition of “Bitch Got Sued” will be: Michael K vs. The Paparazzo Who Took That Picture And Gave Him The Image Of Tori Spelling Giving A Handjob. One second after that picture was taken, that hard vegetable went soft.

A few months ago, the inside of the Benihana in Encino, CA smelled like your kitchen after you microwave a plastic Tupperware bowl for too long, because Tori Spelling somehow fell on a hibachi grill and burned herself. Tori reportedly told friends at the time that when she got up to leave the table, she tripped and fell backwards onto a hot hibachi grill. The burn on Tori’s arm was apparently so bad that she needed a skin graft.

After that story came out, many of you didn’t only smell charbroiled plastic, but you also smelled a lawsuit coming. You called it! TMZ says that Tori is suing the Benihana corporation. Tori claims in her lawsuit that she suffered “deep second and third degree burns” and the incident also burned whatever is left of her checking account, because she had to spend money on medical bills and she lost wages. TMZ has a picture of Tori’s alleged hibachi injury.

Tori Spelling is suing because she wants every Benihana to install safety guards around hibachi grills so this doesn’t happen to another person. HA! No, she wants money for damages, of course.

It’s easy to make a joke about how in order to suffer loss of wages you need to make a wage first, but excuse you, Tori and Dean McDermott are paid fame whores and reality tricks. Being that thirsty is a full-time job, bitch. But I am side-eyeing that “loss of wages” thing for a different reason. Tori and Dean make a reality show about EVERYTHING, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they got paid while making a 6-part “docu-series” for Lifetime about Tori’s burn accident. They’re going to call it either EmergenDEAN: Tori Degree Burns or Burn Tori Crisp.

Here’s Tori, Dean and their kids filming their reality show at a farmer’s market the other day.

Pics: Splash

The Deaner Has Some Marriage Advice For Bobby Flay

Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.”

Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:

“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”

Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.

But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!

“What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?“