Tori And Dean Are Too Broke To Pay To Get His Sperm Tube Snipped

October 24, 2013 / Posted by:

While opulent pug Candy Spelling eats platinum nuggets out of a diamond-embedded bowl while sitting on a gilded throne in the rose garden of her $35 million penthouse, her daughter Tori Spelling is checking eBay for discounted, gently used at-home vasectomy kits, because she and her husband Dean McDermott are as broke as her tit job.

Tori is wah-wah-wah-ing to People (via NYDN) about how her checking account has tumbleweeds blowing through it (just like her acting career!) and she hasn’t bought herself a purse in three whole years! Will somebody please end Tori’s pain and suffering by starting a Kickstarter to get her a new designer purse, because it is a tragic day in America when Tori Spelling can’t buy a new designer purse and has to pick out an old, used purse from the dozens of purses she bought when she had millions. Thanks Obama!

Tori tells People that their money woes started when they sold their Encino, CA house at a loss in 2011. Tori’s store InvenTORI flopped and the reality show checks stopped coming in when Oxygen canceled their show. HGTV picked their show up from the Oxygen graveyard, but they don’t start production until 2014, so they don’t have a lot of cash coming in. Tori and Dean really don’t want her to get knocked up with another money-eating baby, but their financial situation is so dry that they can’t afford to buy him a vasectomy (which costs $350 to $4,000). Tori told People.

“I haven’t bought a purse in three years. And it’s fine. I look back on that girl who shopped at Gucci in my 20s and I can’t even relate. I can’t believe I thought it was important.”

Tori also takes some of the blame for their cash problems. She writes in her new book:

“It’s no mystery why I have money problems. I grew up rich beyond anyone’s dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle I can’t seem to let go of my expensive tastes. And then there’s my shopping problem. I’ve bought ridiculous amounts of stuff for the kids, clothing, toys, crafts.

I can’t afford to live like this anymore. They say admitting the problem is the first step. … We’re all about repurposing. It’s a really good value to have.”

First of all, Tori and Dean aren’t BROKE broke. They’re rich people broke. Rich people broke is when you’re worried about where you’re going to get $2,500 to buy yourself a stupid Mulberry purse. Real people broke is when you write a check to yourself and deposit it in the ATM to get $20 for gas money. Rich people broke is worrying about putting a new designer handbag in your purse closet and real people broke is worrying about putting fucking food on the table.

Second of all, Tori and Dean should do what every good fame whore does to make some quick cash: SEX TAPE! There has to be some kinky whores out there who will empty their wallets to watch a beady-eyed gold digger hump on a Silicone-filled Mon Calamari. And I bet that if Dean watched his own sex tape, his sperm sac would dry up and refuse to produce anymore baby gravy. All problems solved!

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