Cue the music! Radar is reporting that The Deaner and his wandering peener have been released from sex rehab, and he’s ready to make up for some lost time! And you’ll never believe my luck: I was able to obtain a transcript from the press conference he held this morning at the Hooters in Van Nuys:
“What’s been crappenin bitches? Thank you all for being here to welcome me back into your folds. YES! Nailed it. But seriously, your old pal Deano couldn’t have made it through the past 30 days without your love, support, sexts, snapchats, and visitation day over-the-pants handies. A big shout-out to Sharla, Starla, the girls of Hooters 127 and 342, that chick with the cans…fuck, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Dr. Elenor Weinstein. Thanks for telling Tori I’m cured! Alright, who wants to be the first to give The Deener a beejer?”
Oh, Dean McDermott, you scamp. After being released from his Tori Spelling-imposed rehabilitation for wandering gold diggers, The Deaner’s first order of business wasn’t, in fact, to let a group of Hooters girls run a train on his dad dick. A source tells Radar that the minute Dean checked out, he marched straight home and poured salt into Tori’s gaping chest hole by telling her she needs to get her shit together and seek treatment for her spending problem:
“There are nights that Dean doesn’t sleep because he is so concerned about how they are going to pay the bills. Tori is willing to get help, but complains she doesn’t have time because of their four kids.”
Uh-huh. I’m so sure the reason he’s losing sleep is because Tori drops too much money at American Girl, and has nothing to do with the countless texts he receives that say: “Remember when u fucked me at yr wife’s book signing? I think I’m pregnant :(“
And excuse you, Source, but what spending problem? Don’t all families on the brink of bankruptcy throw over-the-top birthday parties and lavish afternoon teas? Besides, Tori has a plan to fix this temporary money problem, and it’s called the C.A.N.D.Y. method.
Call up your rich mother
Ask for money
Never accept no for an answer
Dial her number again & Demand money
You just put in a long day at work. Y not reward yourself with a new house?