Mel Gibson And Sean Penn Were Both At The Mad Max Premiere Last Night

If you’ve been wondering what a thrombosed hemorrhoid looks like right before it bursts, then I just have to tell you that you’re a sick bitch and now you’re a sick bitch who got their answer. Just look at that picture of Mel Gibson. So basically, it looks a little snarly, and it screams, “SUGAR TIIIITS,” right before it explodes.

If you saw Sean Penn and Mad Mel in the same place together, you’d figure that you accidentally stumbled into an anger management class. But because Mel Gibson is the original Mad Max and Sean Penn’s peen has managed to hypnotize Charlize Theron’s chocha, they were both at the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night. Those two were at the same event and surprisingly no paparazzi were beaten and nobody was threatened to be buried in a rose garden. They both were chill and I don’t have any pictures of them together, but I’m sure that sometime during the night they exchanged beauty secrets. Sean told Mad Mel that if he really wants to get that glistening leather face look, he needs to smear his face with lighter fluid BEFORE he tans face first on a Hibachi grill.

If Sean and Mel really wanted to bake their faces all the way, they should’ve stood near my new style icon who oozed hotness at last night’s premiere. Behold, Australian actor and god of fashion Hugh Keays-Byrne:

The look IS hair styled like a well-groomed Shih Tzu, a jacket that has seen things and a tucked in tank top. Because nothing says “sexy with a touch of formal” like a tucked in tank top. Charlize looked good, but she still should take fashion tips from this hot piece.

Pics: Wenn.com

Working Together Made Things Messy Between Charlize Theron And Sean Penn

While the world’s top neurologists work tirelessly to find a cure for dickmatization, Charlize Theron continues to baffle everyone by talking about angry mummified hot dog Sean Penn without using the words “I know, I don’t know why either.” Although she did recently admit to Elle UK that things got a bit dramatic with her maybe fiance when they decided to work together. That sound you just heard was every filing cabinet drawer being yanked open to the file marked Surprising, Things Which Are Not.

Charlize and Sean decided to give their relationship the future kiss of death by filming a movie together called The Last Face. Sean Penn is directing Charlize, and it sounds like it’s going about as well as working with Sean Penn would be.

“Putting aside that he’s my partner, he’s the love of my life; for the first time, I felt that my work was really bleeding into my life and that made it hard. There were moments where I was incredibly unfair to him. And moments where I felt like…he was incredibly unfair to me. But it makes you realize that no matter how complicated it gets, the priority is the relationship.”

Now is the time I wish more people wrote tell-alls, because I would 100% read a tell-all from the set of The Last Face. The things that craft services table has seen! I really need to know if any of those “unfair” moments involved shoving a cellphone inside a tuna salad on rye and whipping it at someone’s face.

Here’s more of Charlize looking all ~moody~ in Elle UK:

Random, Thy Name Is Sean Penn Admitting He’s A Huge Fan Of “The Bachelor”

I just made the mistake of picturing a naked Sean Penn sneaking up behind Charlize Theron and asking “Will you accept this hose?” and yeah, it looks like I just found the something that will replace Kris Jenner’s silly putty sandworm nose in my nightmares.

During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, Sean Penn revealed a random-as-hell fact about Sean Penn. No, not that his face skin is actually 100% human skin and not a sun-dried butterscotch Pudding Roll-Up like it appears to be, but that he’s a die-hard The Bachelor fan. It all sort of started when Sean asked Jimmy Kimmel “Britt of Kaitlyn“, which is a reference to which of the two new bachelorettes from The Bachelorette he likes more. That’s when he admitted that he and his future first wife Charlize Theron watch it every week. Although sometimes they don’t watch the whole episode; according to Sean Penn, he’d rather fast-forward through all the talking so he can get to the crying. Yeeeeeah, why does that not surprise me.

Whenever I imagined a quiet night in with Sean Penn and Charlize Theron, it usually involved the two of them opening up a fresh set of dishes to smash while screaming about nothing in particular until the neighbors called in a noise complaint. Never in my wildest dreams did I picture them watching The Bachelor. However, this does explain the mystery of who the hell still watches The Bachelor.

Here’s Sean Penn and Charlize Theron holding hands at the premiere of Sean’s new film The Gunman last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The “Dark Places” Trailer Is Here

I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….

The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.

Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.

Twice-Married Sean Penn Says Charlize Theron Would Be His “First Marriage”

The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:

“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

“Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:

“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”

That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.

Charlize Theron’s Son Jackson Might Be Known As Jackson Penn Soon

I’m not sure what’s going on with Sean Penn’s face in this picture, but I will say it reminds me of the time I fell asleep on a sandwich. Make of that what you will. The last time we checked in with human-sized piece of clogged shower drain hair Sean Penn, he had maybe slipped an engagement ring on Charlize Theron’s mistake makin’ finger. And now, according to UsWeekly, he’s also slipped some adoption papers into her hand, because he wants to be her son Jackson’s legal daddy. That mistake makin’ hand sure is busy. A source says:

“Sean always knew that to truly earn a place in Charlize’s heart, connecting with Jackson was one of the most important parts.”

And Jackson might not be the only kid cringing at the thought of having to call a ragey piece of Jack Links jerky “Pep-Pep”; according to the source, Charlize and Sean are also thinking about adopting a baby. Literally every womb-dwelling baby in the greater Los Angeles area just got really nervous. Sean already has two children (Dylan, 23, and Hopper, 21) from the time he was married to Robin Wright. But unlike Sean’s biological children, Jackson and New Baby will never have to worry about inheriting their father’s regurgitated prune face.

The only silver lining to getting adopted by Sean Penn that I can think of is that he’s already 54, which means that by the time Jackson is old enough to know who his dad is, Sean Penn will already be well into his napping-on-the-couch years. At least I hope he will be. Usually by the time you hit 60, your phone-throwing asshole years are behind you.