The Difficult Brown Thinks He’s Jesus On The Cross

After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” By the look of this painting, I’m guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus’ rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn’t Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!

While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says that Chris Brown hasn’t been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown’s dudes and Frank Ocean’s dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it’s early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There’s no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.

Chris Brown’s lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn’t have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:

Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!

The Difficult Brown And Frank Ocean Got Into A Brawl Over A Parking Space

Because Chris Brown is still a throbbing pus-filled ass pimple that refuses to pop, he and his entourage got into a huge fight with Frank Ocean and Frank Ocean’s entourage at the Westlake recording studio in West Hollywood last night. We all know that Chris Brown would karate chop a baby bunny in the froat if he thought that baby bunny was looking at him funny, but there’s two sides to this mess of a story and one side says that Frank Ocean started it.

A member of Team Fist Brown tells TMZ that when Chris started to leave the studio last night, Frank stopped him and let the Difficult Brown know who’s the head bitch of parking lot spaces by saying, “This is my studio, this is my parking lot.” Chris apparently tried to smooth things over by shaking Frank’s hand, but when he put his arm out, one of Frank’s dudes attacked a bitch. That’s when one of Fist Brown’s dudes jumped in and went after Frank’s friend. The police were called after Fist Brown and Frank Ocean started throwing fists at each other. Fist Brown took off before the police arrived, but Frank Ocean stayed to talk to them. Frank told the police that the fight started over a parking space and Fist Brown punched him in the face first. The police are calling Frank Ocean “the victim” because he stayed around to talk to them and the police want to have words with Fist Brown.

But Frank Ocean went on Twitter right after the brawl and said that The Difficult Brown is the one who started it by jumping him. (FYI: Everest is Frank Ocean’s dog and he definitely would’ve handled that situation by side-eyeing a bitch out the exit door.)

The New York Post also co-signs Frank’s statement. They heard from other witnesses that Fist Brown is the one who fisted Frank in the face first.

Hmmm, who to believe? Who to believe? A dude, who as far as I know doesn’t have a history of beating people or a spoiled, dried up, bleached dingle berry who nearly punched his girlfriend’s face off and throws daily tantrums over the dumbest shit? This is a hard one!

And I hope that while Frank and Fist Brown were brawling over who gets to park their $100,000 car in that parking space, a tow truck showed up, pulled Fist Brown’s car out of that space and Angelyne drove her pink Corvette right into it. Because Angelyne is the true queen of parking spaces in L.A. Truth.

And Here’s Kourtney Kartrashian Squirting Titty Leche Onto Kim’s Body

So now after reading that headline, you’re not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you’re lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she’s been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it’s helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim’s leg. Kim starts screaming “EWW! EWWW!,” which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would’ve never been famous if it wasn’t for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, “That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out.” I say that every time Kim squeezes a “thought” out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati’s golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here’s Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.

Teen Mom 2’s Jenelle Evans Live-Tweeted Her Miscarriage

In the span of 9 days, Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 announced that she was knocked up with a do-over baby, filed charges against her husband of a few weeks for allegedly beating her ass and then went to the hospital because there were complications with her pregnancy. Then early this morning, Jenelle and her ex-boyfriend Gary Head live-tweeted her miscarriage. As I file legal papers asking for extradition to another planet, read this mess:

Pimp Mama Kris doesn’t know what to do first: slow clap or take notes.

One of Jenelle’s friends told Radar this morning that she did lose her baby and so her mother Barbara doesn’t have to move to a different city and change her name, because it turns out she won’t have to take care of another kid. A lot of commenters at Radar think that Jenelle was never pregnant and she and her husband Courtland Rogers came up with this scam to get a quick check from Radar. So either Jenelle live-tweeted a fake miscarriage or she live-tweeted a real miscarriage. Whatever the case may be, I’m still going to try to jack a space pod from the Scientology garage, because it’s the only way I’ll get off this planet. I’ll meet you there. Don’t give Jenelle our forwarding address.

Bethenny Frankel And Jason Hoppy Are Both Acting Extremely Mature And Reasonable During Their Divorce

Disclaimer: Several handfuls of calorie-packed sarcasm flakes were sprinkled all over that headline before I hit the publish button.

Seen here carrying the dried shell of his nutsack that Bethenny Frankel used to let him hold to remember happier days, Jason Hoppy is scratching back at Castle Grayskull’s daytime line cook and has declared war. When the reality shit show star and alcohol-ruiner filed for divorce from Jason Hoppy  earlier this month, she sharpened her extra pointy clavicle bone and shanked him with it by asking for child support, primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Bryn and their $5 million Tribeca apartment (which looks like this). Bethenny also wants Jason to pay for her and Bryn’s medical and dental expenses. Normally, when the terrifying plastic skeleton of the Joker jumps you in a dark alley and demands your money and throws its medical bills at you, you give them your money and you pay their medical bills on time, but Jason is fighting back.

TMZ says that Jason has responded to Bethenny’s divorce petition and he wants everything she wants. Basically, Jason’s new lawyer Jill Zarin (yes, Jill Zarin got her law degree online just so she can get back at her arch rival Bethenney) copied Bethenny’s divorce papers, but wrote Jason’s name over Bethenny’s name and wrote Bethenny’s name over Jason’s name.

Bethenny wants primary custody of their kid and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants their $5 million apartment and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants child support and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants her ex to pay for her medical and dental bills and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants to be co-beneficiary, along with her daughter, of her ex’s life insurance policy and so does Jason.

Jason also wants Bethenny to pay for his lawyer and accountant.

According to the completely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com, Bethenny is worth $25 million and Jason is worth $5 million. Bethenny and Jason made a lot of their money while together and they also made that kid together, so you’d think they’d just split everything down the middle, but they’re reality shit show stars so they have to do everything extra.

I would side with Bethenny, because again, you don’t mess with the plastic skeleton of the Joker, but I just can’t. I can’t side with a trick who ruins alcohol. Her SkinnyGirl margarita tastes like the piss of a rotten lime if the rotten lime ate asparagus right before pissing. It barely has any alcohol too. Powerade gives me a stronger buzz than that ShittyGirl crap does. That being said, should Bethenny not get primary custody of her daughter just because she can’t make a margarita right? Does being a margarita-ruiner make her a bad mother. Of course no… Yes, yes, it does.

And I’m also slowly sliding over to Jason’s side, because every time I read Jason’s last name, I think of my favorite scene in Joy Luck Club when Auntie Lindo looks at her daughter through the salon mirror and says, “You make me hoppy.” And that makes me hoppy.

Kim Kartrashian Wants You To Stop Joking About Her Joke Of A Second Marriage

The official ambassadors for fame whores were on Letterman last night to pimp out their show Kim & Kourtney Taint Miami, and of course David Letterman brought up her blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to the factory-defected animatronic Big Foot Harry that is Kris Humphries.

It’s been over a year since Kim Kardashian read the words “stage direction – walk to courthouse, file for divorce” in her script and so Letterman asked her why the divorce is taking so long. While looking like a bloated Predator in a 2-star maitre d tuxedo, Kim told Letterman that her divorce is taking so long, because Kris is suing her for tricking him into marrying her ass for publicity. The slow one then piped in with a joke. Here’s how the conversation went:

Dave: Now you, you’re still married to your former husband, Kris Humpries? You’re still married to him.

Kim: Yes, I am.

Dave: Now, when are you going to wrap that up?

Kim: Well, I’m trying, and it’s a process and I’ve been trying for almost two years now, to um, to wrap it up, but it’s, you know, it’s hard.

Dave: I guess it’s none of my business, but what does he want? Does he want his own show?

Kim: I can’t speak for Kris, but I just want him to be happy and I want us to move on and that’s really what I want, is just to move on.

Dave: Now again you don’t have to do this, but when the divorce comes through, and he wants an annulment, is that right? Why an annulment, what’s the difference?

Kim: I don’t really know cause even if we got an annulment… I would love to give him one but then that would make…the only legal way to get an annulment is if fraud were involved, so that’s what tricky. So he is suing me for an annulment based on the fact that I frauded him into marrying him for publicity.

Dave: So he’s claiming that he was the victim of fraud?Kim: Yes, well, that’s the only way to get an annulment is if one person was frauded, so that was, um, the case.

Dave: But fraud was not a factor here, is that right?

Kim: Not in my case, no.

Kourtney: I think if she was going to do it for publicity, she’s pick someone that people knew.

Never mind that Pimp Mama Kris is totally going to pimp slap Kourtney Kardashian for making fun of her casting decisions, doesn’t Kourtney realize that she’s only famous because Ray J slapped Kim’s ass with his neck pillow dick in front of a camera and because Ryan Seacrest fulfilled a favor he owed to Lucifer by putting them on basic cable?

Kim then told Letterman that people need to saying that they’ve let out farts that have lasted longer than her marriage, because she’s still married!

Those jokes really can’t work, because I’ve really been married for almost two years. . . . So it hasn’t been 72 days, it’s been almost two years.

I just….can’t. What do you even say to that? I’d blame it on pregnancy brain, but Kim didn’t have a brain to begin with.