Us Weekly is saying that things got real over in family court yesterday in NYC as Bethenny Frankel of The Real Housewives of New York City and her ex-husband Jason Hoppy met in a courtroom to fight about child custody. They currently have a joint custody agreement, but Bethenny–once again–wants to take a lighter to that piece of paper and get a new one drafted where she has sole custody of 8-year-old daughter Bryn. Why should Bethenny get custody? Because Jason is a mean, derogatory, rough asshole who locks dogs in closets! I can excuse being an asshole father, but dog abuse? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR!
Ramona Singer of Real Housewives of New York City thought that Bethenny Frankel was being “opportunistic” when she showed up to Bobby Zarin’s funeral and had a moment with Jill Zarin in front of Bravo’s cameras. Well, it seems like Bethenny’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy is trying to show that moment up. Because he is using the overdose death of her on-and-off boyfriend Dennis Shields as reason to revisit their custody agreement.
The divorce between Bethenny Frankel, of the Real DrunkMesses New York City, and Jason Hoppy was finally finalized last year after a messy 4-year-long fight, but it looks like the smegma-covered drama lives on. Page Six says that Jason was arrested on Friday and charged with harassing and stalking his ex-wife. Jason reportedly showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed, “I will destroy you,” at Bethenny. Now, I love some Dynasty-like drama that involves a crazy bitch vowing to destroy another, but it kind of ruins the moment when there’s little kids around. Alexis Carrington taught me that when you say the words, “I will destroy you,” you should pause for a second afterward for maximum dramatic effect and it’s kind of hard to do that when children are crying.
I hope Bethenny Frankel’s divorce lawyer broke the news to her very carefully and slowly. It would put a real damper on things if every pulled-tight muscle in her face were to snap like a bundle of elastic bands from surprise-smiling too quickly.
Former-turned-current Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel has been battling it out in divorce court with her soon-to-be ex-husband Jason Hoppy for more than three years now. It’s been a long, tired, dramatic, expensive mess. Last May, a judge took pity on Jason (who played the “Help me, I’m poor” card) and forced the low-calorie drink/snack mogul to start handing over a whole bunch of alimony money. Jason left court that day with $100,000 (raise your hand if you too read that number in RuPaul’s voice) and $11,858.42 a month for the maintenance fees on their apartment, which he was living in. The deal was that Bethenny would fork over almost $12,000 a month for 12 months or until they’ve figured out who gets the apartment.
Well, Page Six says Bethenny and Jason recently met up again in court, and an appeals court judge decided she can stop writing big support checks to Jason. Bethenny and Jason still have to fight over who gets their apartment, but at least Bethenny no longer has to foot the bill for a plumber every time that careless bitch Jason dumps a pile of pork bones into the garbage disposal.
No word on what changed the judge’s mind two months early, but it’s probably irrelevant to Bethenny. All that matters is that she’s got an extra $24,000 burning a hole in her money-for-the-ex checking account. So if you see a gleeful Bethenny skipping around the 18″ doll clothing section of the American Girl store on 5th Avenue and hollering “I want one of each!“, you’ll know why.
According to Radar, Bethenny Frankel’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy is currently doing the #getmoneybitch shuffle across the floors of Bethenny’s former dreamhouse, because a judge has ordered her to hand over $100,000 to him. Bethenny and Jason’s never-ending divorce drama is costing a ton of money, but court documents filed last week show that Jason had a “Help me, I’m poor” moment and a judge took pity on him. Apparently Jason makes a little over $100,000 a year as a drug company salesman (“Only $100,000” I whispered, as I squirted some Poverty’s Best™ ketchup-style sauce on a cracker and pretended it was a tapas-sized pizza), so the judge has ordered Bethenny to cover his attorney fees. Bethenny has until June 1st to pay Jason the $100,000 he owes his legal team. Radar says this is the second time Bethenny has paid for Jason’s lawyers.
But it doesn’t end there. On top of the $100,000 check Bethenny will slip in the mail to Jason’s attorneys, she also has been ordered to fork over $3,000 each month for temporary child support for their daughter Bryn, as well as 97% of their daughter’s $600-a-month school tuition and medical expenses.
And remember how I mentioned before that Jason was still living in their old apartment? The judge has ordered Bethenny to start paying $11,858.42 per month for “temporary maintenance“, which includes $1000 a month for utilities and $500 for housekeeping. Bethenny will only have to pay that money for 12 months or until they come to a decision on who gets the apartment. If you watch RHONY, then you know that Bethenny is currently “homeless“, aka she’s living in a hotel.
I might actually consider reading that self-help book Bethenny Frankel is holding in the picture above. I need to know how to avoid the type of relationship that ends with me backing a dump truck full of cash into my ex’s driveway. One, because I love money. Two, because I don’t have enough money to fill the back seat of a Power Wheels Jeep, let alone a dump truck.
If you ever wished someone would combine the harrowing courtroom custody battle from Kramer vs. Kramer with the over-the-top drama school theatrics of a Real Housewives reunion show and just a pinch of Michael Jackson face, then I have good news for you! Bethenny Frankel, former RHONY cast member, former talk show host, and former praying mantis (needs verification) is currently fighting with her ex-husband Jason Hoppy over the custody of their 4-year-old daughter Bryn, and Us Weekly says that Bethenny is putting on a performance worthy of a Daytime Emmy with her testimony against her ex. For your consideration...
Bethenny brings the Lifetime made-for-TV movie drama:
“Jason said to me, ‘Get ready, we are going to war. It’s over. We’re done.” He would hold Bryn, and he would say, ‘You’re finished, you’re done. I’m going to ruin you.'”
Bethenny brings the classic afternoon telenovela drama:
“He said, ‘You’re dead to me. I want nothing to do with you. You think I want to be with you on the holidays? You’re a piece of shit. You’re garbage. You have no idea what I’ve got on you.”
Bethenny brings the Disney Channel drama:
“He would say, ‘Mommy should be Ursula the witch. She’s a great witch. You be the princess, I’ll be the prince, Mommy will be the witch.”
Bethenny bring some sort of A&E’s Hoarders-themed drama:
“He would leave the house in shambles. There would be dishes everywhere. He would pee and poop and leave it in the toilets.”
I understand wanting to come for a trifling hoe in a court of law, but damn, this custody fight is getting messy. I’m not a parent, but it was my understanding that as long as you gave them clean clothes, food, hugs, snuggles, and teach them shapes and shit, you’re doing an a-ok job raising your kid. As it turns out, floating a bootycake in the toilet bowl is grounds for losing custody of your child.
And I hope the first thing the judge did after hearing Bethenny’s testimony was politely inform her that being compared to Ursula is a compliment, not an insult.