There was a time when the name Gabriel Aubry would either make you think of Calvin Klein undies or that violent Thanksgiving Day fight with Olivier Martinez. Generally, his name doesn’t come up that much. Well, not if you’re Halle Berry, that is. If you are Halle Berry, then you know that you think of Gabriel Aubry every time you have to pay him $16,000 in child support, which is something that happens every month. And Halle is tired of it.
Entertainment Tonight reports that Halle Berry is still legally wed to Olivier Martinez despite having originally filed for divorce in October of 2015. It’s been nothing but dropped balls ever since. Now, five years after they broke up, Halle’s apparently decided that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. So like Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and The Beltway Sniper before her, Halle’s filed a motion to represent herself in court. Angelina Jolie, take note! This is how you drag out a divorce.
Apologies to those of you lovers of lady-on-lady action who are now dealing with a case of disappointed genitals because you only read a piece of that headline and thought this was going to be a post about Charlize Theron scissoring with Halle Berry.
It’s been about two years since Charlize Theron finally pulled herself out of the dickmatized haze she was in and broke up with barbecued Snausage of rage Sean Penn. OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Charlize’s cooze has moved on to Gabriel Aubry, the hot blond model piece who was in a chunky shit storm of a fight over custody and child support with Halle Berry. That fight hit peak WRECK when Halle’s new man Olivier Martinez punched the pretty out of Gabriel on Thanksgiving. And now he may be wet humping on Charlize.
And I’m about go off on David Justice on Twitter. Because if he never screamed out an anti-Halle Berry warning to Olivier Martinez on Twitter, I would’ve never found that picture of him and I would’ve never been reminded about how I thought I was hot shit in the 90s when I wore a t-shirt with a sleeveless, hooded flannel vest. Those were dark times.
Former MLB player David Justice was Halle Berry’s first husband and their marriage ended in a puddle of messiness. She ended up taking out a restraining order against his ass. Halle Berry has never said that David Justice hit her, but she did publicly talk about how an ex-boyfriend beat her so bad that he punctured her eardrum. I guess a report recently popped up claiming that David was the one who messed up Halle’s ear. David let it be known on Twitter that he never physically abused Halle, and while he had everyone’s attention, he dragged her for trying to destroy him and shot out a warning to her soon-to-be ex-husband Olivier Martinez.
Getting into a fight for custody with Halle Berry is like waltzing with a chainsaw who accuses you of being a racist piece of trash and a shit dad. Olivier Martinez apparently knows this, so he’s not even going to dare to get into the ring with Halle Berry and is going to try to play nice. That is the worst news Halle Berry’s lawyer has ever heard! They’ve been eyeing a vacation home in St. Thomas and hoped they could buy it with the money they’d make from her next never-ending custody craziness. Damn that Olivier Martinez for wanting to be a sane and mature adult!
Gabriel Aubrey Says He Never Covered His Kid’s Hair In Straightening Chemicals, So Halle Can Chill Out
It’s time once again to check in with the crazy drama-loving loose cannon former couple that is Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry (cut to me 36 years from now writing “And here’s what Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry are fighting over this week“, because you know these two crazies will still be making life messy for each other well into their tea-on-the-lanai years). Last month, Halle pulled some CSI Lifetime shit by lab testing hair she yanked out of a hairbrush and dragging Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the hair of their 6-year-old daughter Nahla.
Gabriel denied it, as well as denying he was trying to make Nahla “more white” (one of Halle’s many accusations), and now TMZ is saying that Gabriel was telling the truth. They’ve learned – from an anonymous source named “Uh…not Gabriel Aubry“, I assume – that Gabriel never used chemicals to straighten Nahla’s hair, and any time you see Nahla with straight-ish hair, like in these recent pictures where she’s having dinner with a Dickensian street urchin who looks like her father, he wants you to know it was done with the help of a brush and a blow dryer. TMZ also says that Gabriel thinks Halle is being ridiculous and is just creating drama to keep their custody war going. Meanwhile, cut to Nahla up in her room searching “Emancipation from parents – how to do?” on her LeapPad.
Ugh, THESE TWO. They’ll truly fight over everything. Now that Gabriel admitted that he uses a hair dryer on Nahla’s head, you know Halle is going to inspect her hair with a magnifying glass and haul him back into court to accuse him of giving their daughter split ends.