UPDATE: Dr. Blossom’s 4-Year-Old Son Is Done Breastfeeding

Last April, Mayim Bialik (professional name: Dr. Blossom) told the readers of her blog and then told everyone else about how her 3 and a half year old son Fred was still slurping leche out of her nipples. Dr. Blossom is all about attachment parenting, so she said at the time that she’s going to let Fred nurse on her chichis for as long as he wants. Some pictured a 21-year-old Fred sitting at a bar and ordering a cup of vodka before asking Dr. Blossom to squirt her leche into it so he can have a White Russian. But Frank won’t be enjoying a night cap from her nipple when he’s 30, because Dr. Blossom announced on her site today that he has quit her tit!

Dr. Blossom writes that Fred first quit weaning at night and then around Thanksgiving, they had their last breastfeeding moment together. Some days when Dr. Blossom looks down at her rigatoni nipples, she misses it a little:

As I sat on the couch in the very room where he was born four years and three months prior, he latched on happily and only nursed for a minute or two that day, since toddler nursings tend to not be long at all, especially when they start spreading them out by several days. He typically nursed from both sides since I was prone to clogged ducts for most of our nursing relationship, and it became our habit to make sure both sides were nursed on.

That day, though, he was distracted by his older brother shouting something, laughing, playing in the next room. His big blue eyes with the impossibly long tapered lashes darted around and settled on the next room, the source of the voice, his beloved older brother who himself had nursed two years and change. The world beyond my breast was calling, and he hopped off of my lap and ran to the world waiting for him.

That was the last time Fred nursed. I wanted to shout after him, “Choo-Choo, you forgot the other side!” But I didn’t. I held my tongue and watched him go. My big boy. In jeans. With a big boy haircut, finally, after years of golden locks begging for either an upsheren (ritual first haircut at age 3) or a Farrah Fawcett photo shoot. Fred was done nursing. Fred weaned. Sweet baby Fred who cared for me as I cared for him: we made it.

Fred did not ask about nursing for weeks after that day. And it wasn’t until much more recently–it’s been three months now since he nursed–that he asked to nurse. But now when he asks, he knows it’s funny. That he’s a big boy. That he doesn’t drink nummies anymore.

He’s done. Fred weaned.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss being able to latch him on and make it all better. We have other ways to soothe Fred now.

I always felt like it’s her kid and her chichis, so whatever. Besides, who am I to judge? I think I’ve said this before, but I was a thumbsucker until the third grade. Bitches used to make fun of my thumbsucking ways, so I would suck my thumb under my desk. And yes, I realize that I just set myself up for a perfect joke, so have at it.

So congratulations to Fred! Congratulations to Dr. Blossom! Congratulation to Dr. Blossom’s tits! And congratulations to all of us for knowing this!

And according to Urban Dictionary, “nummies” is when you feel a numbing sensation on your gums after rubbing coke on them. So now I’m picturing a 4-year-old rubbing coke on his gums. (“Awww, I remember when I taught Lindsay how to do that. Memories!” – White Oprah)

via ONTD

Dr. Blossom Is Getting A Divorce

Six LeMeure’s best friend Blossom (professional name: Dr. Mayim Bialik) and her husband of almost 10 years Michael Stone said today that their marriage will lie down in a shallow grave right next to Joey Lawrence’s career. Mayim announced the news on her blog and said that her marriage ending had nothing to do with the fact that she never boned her husband in their bed and slept with their two kids on two futons on the living room floor every night.

After much consideration and soul-searching, Michael and I have arrived at the decision to divorce due to “Irreconcilable Differences.”

Divorce is terribly sad, painful and incomprehensible for children. It is not something we have decided lightly.

The hands-on style of parenting we practice played no role in the changes that led to this decision; relationships are complicated no matter what style of parenting you choose.

The main priority for us now is to make the transition to two loving homes as smooth and painless as possible. Our sons deserve parents committed to their growth and health and that’s what we are focusing on. Our privacy has always been important and is even more so now, and we thank you in advance for respecting it as we negotiate this new terrain.

We will be ok.

Well, at least this means Blossom gets more futon space and her 3-year-old son Fred gets more TITTY TIME!

(Thanks, Angela!)

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

Prayer Circle Time: Dr. Blossom Might Lose A Finger (UPDATE: Blossom’s Fingers Are Safe)

Mayim Bialik was driving in her white Volvo past the intersection of Hollywood Blvd. and La Brea around noon today when a car full of tourists from Chile hit the shit out of her. Mayim was alone and banged up in a bad way. Witnesses tell TMZ that there was blood everywhere and that paramedics immediately took Mayim to the hospital, because one of her fingers was just dangling off of her hand. Yes, that image just turned my whoas into nooooooooo-as.

Mayim also has other injuries on her hand and she’s currently being treated at the nearest hospital, and I really hope Six LeMeure shows up with Blossom’s favorite sunflower hat. I also hope that Mayim doesn’t lose her finger and if she loses her finger I hope it’s not a middle one, because she’s going to need both middle fingers to double flip off those Chilean bitches who ran into her.

And while she’s laid up in the hospital, Blossom should take her medicine. This will make her feel better.

Or not.

UPDATE: The prayer circle worked! Blossom is not losing a finger. All is right in the world again and now she can use all her fingers to plug her ears whenever that Joey Lawrence song starts playing somewhere.

Yes, Blossom Is Still Breastfeeding Her 3-Year-Old

Mayim Bialik (correction: that’s Dr. Blossom to us) has said a million times before that she and her husband aren’t conventional, in society’s terms, when it comes to raising their two sons, 6-year-old Miles and 3.5-year-old Fred. And now Dr. Blossom has put all her holistic parenting tips in a new book called The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way. In The Sling, Dr. Blossom writes about how she doesn’t use diapers during potty training time, doesn’t force her boys to sleep by themselves and isn’t putting a date on when she’s going to retire Fred’s mouth from her nipple. Basically, Dr. Blossom is QUIRKY!

While promoting the book, Dr. Blossom talked to Newsok.com (via Daily Mail) about the philosophies of the attachment parenting method and how she knows it’s not for all families, but it works for hers. Here’s a few pieces from Dr. Blossom’s interview that I’ve pre-chewed for you so it goes down easier. CAUTION: EXTREME HIPPINESS AHEAD:

On how they all sleep together as a family and how baby soap is devil smegma:

The progressive parents live in a very small Los Angeles home — their one-bedroom has two mattresses on the floor on which the family co-sleeps.

The children don’t have a playroom filled with the latest toys — Bialik and Roosevelt have made a conscious decision to keep their material lives simple and minimal. “Our society’s obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. … That’s something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected.”

On how letting babies piss in their quilted chonies can confuse them later when we tell them to sink the toilet Cheerios with their piss streams:

In “Beyond the Sling,” Bialik also writes about elimination communication as a form of early potty training that encourages parents to recognize their child’s natural signals instead of waiting until the child is older, then introducing the toilet.

“You’re basically training your child to use their pants as a bathroom and then two years later we have to turn around and do all sorts of complicated manipulations to get them to unlearn that,” she said.

On how she’s letting Fred decide when he’s had enough of her leche knob:

They were breast-fed until ready to quit — Bialik still nurses Fred sporadically, as he slowly weans himself.

What I’ve learned from this is that raising babies is hard, it requires a lot of thinking and it’s really, really fucking weird.

Dr. Blossom wrote a piece on her blog last September about how she tried to wean Fred off of her titty, but doing so made her realize that she’ll just let him suckle on her nipple until he’s done done. The last time I wrote about breastfeeding, La Leche League slapped me with a leaky nipple and squirted a whole lot of TRUTH into my eyes. They were right. I know nothing about breastfeeding. The closest I’ve come to breastfeeding is the time some trick was sucking on my nipple knob and made a sour puckery look like he just sucked up something gross. It was probably just a little old shower gel that was stuck up in there. I don’t know. I also don’t know if nursing a child with teeth makes your nipples look like chewed up pieces of pizza sausage (I’m sure there’s nipple rejuvenation surgery for that). But I do know that Dr. Blossom seems to care about not raising a couple of douchebags and I can appreciate that.

Although, I will side-eye that bitch if in 20 years she uploads a video of her squirting chichi leche into Fred’s mouth after he takes a bite of his wedding cake.