Like Anyone Is Looking At Your Hair, Please

Don’t-Focus-On-My-Tatas-Even-Though-I-Shove-Them-Up-To-My-Eyebrows-In-Plunging-Necklines advocate Christina Hendricks would like you to quit staring at her luscious bewbs for a second and focus on her hair instead. For all of us str8 women who are able to defy the odds and actually drag our eyeballs up there, she wants us to know that her modeling agency once said HELL NO!! to her signature fiery locks. The naturally blond Christina (prove it! – half the planet) dyed her hair bright red for a photo shoot and was met by a “Daaamn girl, you ugly!” from the head of her agency.

In Christina’s words (via the Daily Mail):

‘When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I’d always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, “You look terrible, it’s so ugly, you cannot have red hair.”
“I came back as a redhead and couldn’t get my hair back to blonde for two days – in the meantime I had to audition.
‘I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I’m keeping this!’

I kind of have to agree with her that the red suits her and helps her stand out in a sea of blindingly bleached blond bimbos (say that three times really fast, I dare you) but really, who gives a shit. Good, hair talk times are over and now our ADD asses can go back to being mesmerized by her real stand out features, those twin Verne Troyers half out of her top.

Jon’s Hammaconda Endorses Obama

I know, ANOTHER post about this election shit. But this one isn’t really about the election. It’s an excuse to post this picture of Jon Hamm’s hamm log getting all patriotic and shit at an Obama rally. You can’t tell from this picture, but Jon’s obese crotch hose is wearing an Uncle Sam top hat.

So, Jon Hamm spent his weekend campaigning for Obama and Tumblr-er Frankenteen (via Buzzfeed) was at one of those rallies and transcribed the speech he gave:

“I had a 13 year old girl come up to me in Colorado -this is a dead true story- and say, ‘Well, you’re a wealthy white male… why are you here?’ And I was like, first of all, that’s the greatest question I’ve been asked on this entire tour. But secondly, she had conflated somehow in her head that only people vote for their own kind. And I made sure to tell her that that’s absolutely not the case. I vote for what I think is best for all of us. Not simply for me. And that’s unfortunately the message that the other side wants to get across, is you just take care of yourself and you build a fence around yourself and no one else gets help. That’s not how I was raised, that’s not the America I wanna live in and that’s not the America that I believe in.”

Jon Hamm didn’t say the other reason why he’s rallying for Obama. One day while he was spooning with his dick, his peen turned its head around and nuzzled into his neck for a second before whispering in his ear, “Vote for Obama, it’ll make me extra happy for the next for the next four years.” This is a very important endorsement since Jon’s Hammcock is the current sitting President of West Coast Peens.

And here’s Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt leaving Little Dom’s restaurant in L.A. last night. If Obama wins this election, Jon Hamm better take to the streets to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on his extra long skin harmonica (hammonica?).

Everything Is Better Now That Jon’s Hamm Roll Is Here

I see you darting your eyes between that water bottle and Jon Hamm’s peen log to compare their sizes. Would it help if I told you that half of Jon Hamm’s tube of Pillsbury rolls is hibernating up into his taint?

The magical thing about Jon’s honey-baked Hamm log is that it’s always looks like something different. Sometimes it looks like an obese weasel playing peek-a-boo in a bowl of key limes. Sometimes it looks like a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast sliding off of a plate. And while Jon was taking it for a walk yesterday, it looked like a fetus in an ultrasound scan. It’s like Jon’s dick is always playing a game of charades with us. Jon’s piece is truly a lucky woman, because every time she pulls his pants down, she doesn’t know if a giant skin pretzel or a curling kielbasa is going to land on her forehead.

And I also threw in some pictures of Jon at an event at the Paley Center yesterday. How many times do you think a trick asked Jon Hamm if she could wipe that white powder off of his face with her chocha.

Jill Biden Finally Gets Into The Big Issues That Really Matter

Jill Biden spoke to my soul (and the thing that rhymes with soul, sorry) today when she unintentionally (yeah, right) made a joke about how Joe Biden’s peen is so large it’s got its own set of porcelain veneers.  “You can hear the urgency in his voice when he comes….” should go on every Obama/Biden bumper sticker, t-shirt, thong, etc!

via Buzzfeed

He Put A Ring On It

Jennifer Aniston can finally take “Single Ladies” off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. “You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!” And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren’t fireworks from Jen’s chocha. No, it’s a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters’ heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses’ minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I’m not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don’t freak out,that’s right, I said I have no shade. It’s okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven’t had it in awhile.

Eminem Gets Him Some Pink

There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss.  I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza.  HEARTS.

In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love.  I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.

According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:

“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”

Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
“Fuck yeah!”

And second, fuck yeah.

Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.

And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.