Jon Hamm Takes The Hammaconda For A Walk

I don’t even know why I’m typing words here, because I’m sure that as soon as you saw the name “Jon Hamm,” your eyeballs shot out of their sockets cartoon-style and slapped against the screen to see if the Hammaconda made an appearance in this post.

After the skinny Fred Flinstone cried and whined to Rolling Stone about how all of us sucio pervs need to take our eyes off of his dick, I figured he was going to tuck it tight between his legs since nobody is really looking at his ass and wouldn’t notice his new wiggling tail. But nope, the Hammaconda is still free. Jon Hamm went for a walk with his Hammaconda, his partner Jennifer Westfeldt and his dog Cora in Los Angeles today. Cora is either sedated as shit or she’s gone through some serious training, because most dogs would mistake the Hammaconda for a weasel riding a weasel and attack that bitch.

Jon Hamm Wants Everyone To Stop Talking About His Hammaconda

Rolling Stone brought up the long, thick, veiny circumcised elephant in Jon Hamm’s pants and asked him how he feels about the fact that his jaw-breaking Hammaconda has launched a dozen Tumblrs and has become a bigger (in every sense of the word) star than him. Jon finished feeding his Hammaconda its daily lunch of raw steak and live mice before saying that he thinks it’s very rude and inappropriate for hos to constantly obsess over his two ton dick. But you probably didn’t read that sentence since you were too busy morning dreaming about running naked through a lavender field with Jon’s Hammcock as a spring rain falls on the both of you. Pop that dream bubble and read what Jon had to say about how we’re all sucking his dick with our eyes:

“Most of it’s tongue-in-cheek. But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have – a prurience. They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”

“I really feel for you, Jon” said Christina Hendricks as the one millionth Tumblr dedicated to her magnificent chichis goes up and a fan asks her right nipple if it can autograph his ass.

Jon can easily get all of us gutter-brained sucio pervs to stop talking about his Great Wall of China dick if he just puts on several pairs of Spanx panties or he can shut us up by showing us his co…. Wait, what were we talking about again? I lost my train of thought when it crashed right into Jon’s mega mega dick.

Yeah, We’re All Looking For The Same Thing Right Now

You are not among the living if you don’t immediately start searching for any signs of the Hamm steak as soon as you see a picture of its owner Jon Hamm. It’s a natural reaction. Just like knuckling yourself in the eyeball is a natural reaction to seeing the name “Kardashian.” You just knuckled yourself in the eyeball, right? If only you could put the Hamm steak on it to stop the swelling.

The cock-blocking executives at AMC must’ve told Jon Hamm to shove his crotch beast in a bowl of ice before sticking it between his ass cheeks and holding it down with metal chains, because it did not make a grand appearance at last night’s season 6 premiere of Mad Men. Those bitches at AMC just don’t appreciate what they have, because they should’ve rolled out the red carpet for Jon Hamm’s big dick. Hell, they should’ve rolled Jon Hamm’s big dick out and used it as the red carpet.

Except for the little girl, mostly everybody looked like hell last night. Christina Hendricks covered up her magnificent chichis and dressed like an 85-year-old Italian widow. January Jones looked like a sad Popsicle. And Vincent Kartheiser’s guinea pig comb over is just dreadful. I’m assuming that they all looked like shit on purpose, because they wanted all of the attention to go to the true star of the show, the Hammaconda. And it didn’t even show up. It’s a sad day for us all and AMC can eat some cold ass in hell for that.

Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night’s Hammaconda-less Mad Men premiere party. In order: Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, Kiernan Shipka, Alison Brie, Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Jessica Pare, Teyonah Parris and Ben Feldman.

FREE THE HAMMACONDA!

The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They’re saying that Jon Hamm’s free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won’t let Jon Hamm’s big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.

A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper’s pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there’s nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”

When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm’s rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn’t laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Oh, please. I’m sure Jon Hamm’s rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm’s Mt. Everest bulge, but it’s not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian’s chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm’s legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I’m saying is that Jon Hamm’s huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.

Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon’s schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he’s shooting scenes. And yes, that’s your cue to put a sign that reads “The Hammaconda’s Dressing Room” above your mouth.

All Is Well In The Enchanted Forest Again

Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5’2″ Hayden Panettiere and 6’6″ Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.

The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I’m assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)

Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden’s my favorite thing about Nashville.

I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked “buy” after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song ‘Love Like Mine,’ are you sure?“

Don Johnson Finally Sets The Record Straight About His Supposedly Colossal Peen

When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articles about how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.

“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “

I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.

And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.