Step aside John F. Kennedy and
Marilyn Monroe Jackie O – shit, OK – JKF and Marilyn and Jackie O, there’s a new celebrity couple on the political scene. Sadly it’s not a reuniting of the ghost of Tom Hayden and 1980s Jane Fonda in full-on spandex and double leg warmer workout video mode. It’s Rosario Dawson and Cory Booker, y’all! After a couple months of speculation, Rosario has confirmed that she’s sprung on US Senator and 2020 vegan presidential candidate Cory.
Aaron Rodgers’ handlers forgot to hit autopay on Olivia Munn’s beard contract, so those two broke up after three years of “dating” back in April. Now Aaron has been spotted out and about with a new lady love who plays with balls just like him! E! News reports Harvard soccer player Marie Margolius was seen in a booth together at a restaurant in NYC with Aaron. Ooooo, you know what that means. Shared booths are the way PR teams let you know celebs are in heat these days!
Sources say nobody recognized Aaron, and I say that’s because he’s only recognized a few blocks over in Hell’s Kitchen at Tight End Tallywhackers. That’s not a real bar. But it should be. The same source adds they had a great time together over a full meal and drinks. No shit, Sherlock. After three years of Japanese potatoes being the only item on the menu, I’d have my boning face on at the sight of a burger and a full cocktail menu.
Aaron has been looking far and wide for his next piece. He was previously seen looking flirty with Baywatch actress/ex-member of Leonardo DiCaprio’s blonde menagerie Kelly Rohrbach. The Pussy Posse doesn’t seem like the type to dabble with beards apart from when they all tried to grow them after Master Leo grew out his Moses scruff. Either way, Us Weekly says Olivia just “doesn’t care” what Aaron does. She has bigger girlfriend contracts to sign and Midwestern mommies to piss off! So NYAH!
It’s been almost five years since Katie Holmes climbed down an escape rope made of bed sheets from a high floor window in the Scientology Celebrity Centre and raaaan, raaaan, raaan to freedom. Since then, there’s been rumors that Tom Cruise has auditioned possible beard wives, but either he rejected them or they had the sense to turn down the Jesus of Scientology. The always-correct InTouchWeekly says that Tommy thinks that he may have finally found the lucky woman (read: future prisoner) whom he will woo (read: promise her further fame and fortune while passing her a long-term contract to sign), marry in a lavish ceremony (read: a ceremony where Scientology scientists will replace her brain with a hard drive ) and make sweet love to (read: bust a thetan-covered load of baby batter into a turkey baster that she will be inseminated with). And that lucky woman is apparently British actress Vanessa Kirby.
As Katie Holmes silently weeps about no longer watching Jamie Foxx’s meaty chichis bounce up and down as he humps her (although, they may not be over), her ex-master Tom Cruise is apparently getting serious with a chick who needs to run, run, ruuuuuuuun, while she still can!
Ryan Seacrest, the evil goblin who was born after a satanic leprechaun jizzed on a piece of foil covered with peroxide cream, is reportedly dating a girl. I’ll let Brit Brit Spears, once again, take it from here:
E! News says that the uncanny valley gremlin has got himself a new piece, three years after things ended with Julianne Hough. Their source says that 41-year-old Ryan and 35-year-old model Adriana Lima, who broke up with her hot possum-eyed husband two years ago, went on a “romantic” date at a restaurant called Dell’Anima in NYC over the weekend after hanging out in Rio during the Olympics. The details of this “romantic” date are about as shallow as Ryan’s personality, so we’ll just have to make shit up on our own.
The world is a strange, confusing and unpredictable place. Yesterday we found out the earth-shattering news that a bunch of famous rich dudes rented VVS1 grade pussy from Heidi Fleiss back in the 90s, and today we learned that Kit Harington viciously slaughtered his beard! I know, it’s wrong of me to demean Kit Harington by focusing on his looks. Kit Harington is not his beard! But apparently, he is, because some tricks don’t know how they’ll go on after seeing him without a field of fur on his face.
The Medieval Times Curly Sue from Game of Thrones is starring in the play Doctor Faustus in London, and fans got pictures of his freshly shaven mug (still covered with some stage paint) outside of the theater. Bitches haven’t freaked out this much about the loss of a beard since Katie Holmes and Tommy Cruise got divorced.
— Jon Snow (@LordSnow) June 1, 2016
With the beard, Kit Harington looks like a brooding model from an inspiration hairstyles look book found in a JcPenney salon in 1987. Without it, Kit Harington looks like a cross between a Brandon Lee in The Crow impersonator on Hollywood Blvd. who yells at tourists for not paying him for a picture and the lead singer of Finland’s #3 goth band whose biggest hit is a musical ode to Ville Valo. He also kind of looks like a mostly SANS FARDS Gerard Way after two weeks of doing the Master Cleanse.
With or without the beard, I’d hit it. But if I hit it without the beard, I’d solemnly hum The Cure’s “The Same Deep Water As You” while doing so, because I’d want it to be as Emo as possible.