Tom Cruise May Have Found His Next Contract Wife…

October 26, 2016 / Posted by:

As Katie Holmes silently weeps about no longer watching Jamie Foxx’s meaty chichis bounce up and down as he humps her (although, they may not be over), her ex-master Tom Cruise is apparently getting serious with a chick who needs to run, run, ruuuuuuuun, while she still can!

The re-affirmed Jesus of Scientology spent the summer shooting The Mummy reboot in England, and surprisingly, he didn’t spend his nights off spooning with his best brofriend David Miscavige as they take turns reading Scientology porn (Dianetics) to each other. UsWeekly says that Tommy spent his off days and off nights with a British chick he met several months ago. UsWeekly’s source needs to learn how to source better, because they don’t know shit about Tommy’s supposed new beard, except that she’s British and “very normal and pretty.” (Note: If she’s dating Tommy, the trick ain’t normal.) That’s all they said! Is she a Scientologist? Is she really David Miscavige in a wig? Is she taller than Tommy? If she’s taller than Tommy, did they celebrate their relationship contract signing with a bonfire, which she had to throw all of her high heels into? So many questions! But sources did say that she stayed with Tommy in London and it’s serious:

 “They go on bike rides through the countryside. Sometimes Tom’s sister would join them. He’s serious about this relationship and wants to make it work. Tom wants some companionship.”

Well, hopefully for Tommy, he learned from his past failed marriages and his new piece isn’t a human. I mean, you marry a human and you install a microchip in her brain and everything is great for the first few years, but then that microchip starts to corrode and she starts to think for herself and gets grossed about by Scientology. The Prince of Scientology doesn’t need to go through that again! So I hope his new piece is a female android clone of himself that was made by Scientology scientists. A female android clone of Tommy Girl would make the perfect robo-beard bride for him.

And here’s that evil SP Katie Holmes in NYC yesterday:

Pics:, Splash

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