Being Knocked Up With A Douche’s Baby Is Making Mila Kunis Crave Vinegary Foods

At this point in the game it’s pretty clear to anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the human body and/or two working eyes that Mila Kunis is more than just bloated from Lakers nachos, so she finally admitted to Ellen DeGeneres on Friday that she’s knocked up with Ashton Kutcher’s douche-pup. She wouldn’t say when she’s due (“RUDE! I have flights to book!” – Demi Moore) and she wouldn’t say whether she’s having a Jackie or a Kelso, but she did say she’s got some seriously stereotypical pregnancy cravings, like sauerkraut and pickles.

Now, I’m about as much a doctor is Kim Kardashian is a mother, but what Mila is describing doesn’t sound like a craving per-se, but more like a message sent by Ashton’s unborn douche-pup to the brain that it needs a surplus of fermented acids to meet the demand of a growing vinegar-based life form (“Can you also send down some fetus-sized trucker hats? Thanks brah.”). And if that’s not it, then I give up, because I crave pickles all the time and the only thing living in my womb is a pair of strawberry Pop-Tarts that got lost on the way to my stomach. Oh no, maybe I’m knocked up with a douche-pup? That’s odd, I don’t remember sleeping with any of the servers at Pink Taco.

But I am glad Mila proudly lacks shit-giving and is eating whatever she wants. If there’s ever a time people are willing to cut you some slack for eating endless jars of sauerkraut or Dorito-dusted corn dogs or buttered Pop-Tarts, it’s when you have a fetus growing inside of you. Pregnant chicks everywhere: hold your head high, melt yourself some peanut butter, and drink to your success.