This Is The Baby That Jackie And Kelso Made

And I kind of love that she’s giving us a look that says “I’m attached to the dude from Dude Where’s My Car, aren’t I?”

Ever since Mila Kunis pushed out the baby she made with Ashton Kutcher, they’ve both sort of kept a low profile and generally avoided the whole pimping-out-their-baby-for-publicity thing (“Ew, then what’s the point of a baby?” thought Kim Kardashian, as she prepared for her weekly pap walk with North). Even when Baby Wyatt was born, there was no UsWeekly MEET OUR MIRACLE!!! cover; they just released a bunch of pictures of newborn types and let people guess what she looked like.

But now the guessing game is over, because this is Jackie and Kelso’s baby. A couple of days ago, a fan snapped a pic of Ashton and Mila running errands with Wyatt, who appears to be dressed as Smithers dressed as Bobo the Bear, and she’s very cute. She’s got one of those faces where you probably wouldn’t mind at all if she threw up on you. And if you want a closer look at Baby Wyatt, someone recently threw up what appears to be a holiday card from The Kutcher-Kunises on Twitter:

Even with a second and third picture, I’m still having trouble trying to decide who the baby looks more like. In that first pic, she’s making the same confused face her daddy probably made when he read the reviews of Jobs, but in the second pic, she’s serving up true so over this nonsense realness like her mom during an interview. It’s too close to call!

Pic: Twitter

After Many Months Away, The King And Queen Of Courtside PDA Make Their Triumphant Return!

Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme! For the past several months, there has been a noticeable lack of blatant PDA courtside at Lakers games, and it was all because the king and queen of the Kiss Cam, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, took a bit of a hiatus to have a baby. Baby Wyatt was born back in October, and I’m sure they would have loved to have gone to their second home (the Staples Center) at least once in the past couple months, but we all know those two don’t have a nanny who could watch their baby, so there’s no way they could have left the house. But last night, by some divine miracle, Jackie and Kelso managed to find a babysitter (Wilmer Valderrama, who had nothing better to do and could use the cash) and took in their first Lakers game since becoming parents.

And of course, their first order of business was to get their public smooch on, because it’s not a Lakers game unless Jackie and Kelso start sucking face. They also were sort of dressed alike from the waist-down, which I’m not feeling, because adults that dress like twinsies always give me the creeps. And for those of you looking at Ashton wearing a trucker hat and starting to panic, don’t worry – I just checked today’s date, and we didn’t actually go back in time to 2003.

Here’s more of Jackie and Kelso and Jackie’s boobs looking like acome-to-life Abercrombie ad at the Lakers game last night:

Pics: Splash

Ashton Kutcher Says He And Mila Kunis Don’t Have Any Nannies For Baby Wyatt

I know that a picture of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis sitting behind a Burger King sign at a basketball game has nothing to do with Baby Wyatt and her non-existent nannies, but I just figured it’s Hump Day, and who wouldn’t want to celebrate by thinking about delicious flame-broiled Whoppers? Yarm.

Ashton was on Conan O’Brien Tuesday night, and after throwing some Charles Schulz-y shade at Charlie Sheen, he decided to talk about his new baby Ashton confessed that even though he’s an insanely rich famous dude who is rich enough to hire someone to get elbow-deep in baby caca and projectile milk-barfed on at 3am, he hasn’t hired a nanny for Baby Wyatt. Why? Because he’s an insanely rich famous dude.

“We’re really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. So we don’t have a nanny or a night nurse of any of the stuff. It’s just the two of us.”

Ashton and Mila are lucky, because they never have to worry about being too exhausted to take care of the baby. All they have to do is throw on an episode of That 70s Show and a pair of those glasses that make you look like you’re awake, and Baby Wyatt won’t even notice the difference. Sure, she might get confused later in life when people refer to her parents as “Mila and Ashton” instead of “Jackie and Kelso”, but that’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix. And for those of you wondering how they got the name “Wyatt”, Ashton explains:

“We were going to a Lakers game and I got name Tourette’s and I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw: ‘Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!’ She [was] like, ‘Shut up!’ Then I was like, ‘I’ve got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?’ She goes, ‘That’s it.'”

I’m sorry, but how do you go from names like sign, truck, wall, door to Wyatt?  Maybe Ashton pulled up to an intersection and saw a dude dressed like a cellphone spinning a sign that said “ASK ME WHY AT&T WANTS YOU TO SWITCH TODAY!“. Wyatt works, but did he ever consider Cellphondrea (pronounce cell-PHON-drea, obviously)? Come on, Cellphondria is a hot name!

Jackie And Kelso’s Baby Is Finally Here

It felt like Mila Kunis was doing it Jessica Simpson style and was entering her 9th trimester, because it feels like I spent a piece of my 2013 and all of my 2014 looking at pictures of her carrying around a huge bundle of baby while looking absolutely miserable. I figured that her baby was stalling, because kid wasn’t ready to fully deal with the fact that their biological father wears outfits like that on a day that isn’t October 31st. But yesterday, baby said “fuck it” and came out.

TMZ says that early yesterday morning, Mila and Ashton Kutcher checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. Mila gave birth to a girl sometime yesterday Even though it felt like we were days away from seeing a 2-year-old’s leg hanging out of Mila’s cooch, TMZ says she delivered right on schedule. TMZ didn’t tell us anymore details like what their daughter’s name is (I’m going with Jacqueline Kelso Kunis Kutcher, JKKK for short), how much does their baby weigh (because this is REALLY important) and how many nurses did Ashton eye fuck.

Meanwhile, as Ashton’s brand new baby barfed on him for the first time as he rocked her to sleep, Demi Moore was in Costa Rica somewhere wiping vomit off of her dress after her barely legal boy toy drunkenly yacked on her while she gave him a lap dance to a Pitbull song at a club. United in baby barf. And I really hope Mila teaches her daughter Russian. Because if she does, that kid will sound really badass when she curses her daddy out in Russian after catching him sucking the nanny’s face in the laundry room.

Pic: Getty

Mila Kunis Says She’s Marrying Her “Movie Star Crush”

No, you don’t need to double-check what today’s date is on the calendar; W Magazine did, in fact, make an Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” joke in 2014. I just got very sad.

Mila “Don’t Ask Me About My Pregnancy” Kunis is in this months W Magazine talking about, what else, her pregnancy. But also about her relationship with human pair of crusty-crotched Hollister boxer briefs Ashton Kutcher. Specifically, how she never wanted to get married, but changed her mind after getting douchematized by Ashton’s vinegar-scented penis:

“I never wanted to get married. From the age of 12, I prepared my parents for no marriage. Then things changed—I found the love of my life. Now my theory on weddings is: Don’t invite anyone. Do it privately and secretly. My parents are okay with that. They’re just excited that I said yes.”

Then, in a move that should have made the interviewer pick up the phone and place a collect call to the hospital from Girl, Interrupted, Mila admitted that out of every Tiger Beat poster she could have torn out and taped up on her bedroom wall, she picked the dry turkey sandwich from Dude, Where’s My Car?:

“We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”

Damn, that’s embarrassing as hell, but I’m in no position to throw shade; I had a movie star crush on the guy who played Peter Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie, which seemed pretty fucking embarrassing until I hit up IMDB and discovered he’s now a producer for Bad Girls All-Star Battle. So for those of you side-eyeing Mila for crushing on the asshole from My Boss’s Daughter, just remember that there’s always a chance Ashton Kutcher could redeem himself by working on high art like a Bad Girls Club spin-off. PS – call me if you need a date to the Emmys, Peter Brady!

Here’s more of Mila looking like one of Don Draper’s Season 7 side pieces in W:

ICYMI: More Celebrities Read Mean Tweets About Themselves On Jimmy Kimmel Live

While Jimmy Fallon and the staff at The Tonight Show are mainlining Red Bull and pulling all-nighters to think up new ideas for wacky musical shit to do with guests (“I got it! We’ll have Jimmy and Kate Hudson twerk to Baby Got Back, followed by a Brian Williams rap to Eazy-E’s Gimme That Nutt“) Jimmy Kimmel is getting straight to what people want: celebrities getting read to the teeth by a bunch of randoms on Twitter.

When Jimmy Kimmel first started his Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series two years ago, most of the tweets were pretty tame, but this time around, shit got shady. Emma Stone learned that she looks like she smells like cat piss (clearly this person has never seen a picture of someone who actually looks like they smell like cat piss). Courteney Cox learned that she’s a “pussy hoe”. Jeremy Piven learned that there’s someone out there who hopes his dick falls off in public. Ashton Kutcher learned that he needs to get his by a bus as soon as possible (“I’ll get the bus!” – Charlie Sheen).

But the best is when The Texas T-Rex reads “Matthew McConaughey is a dick turd”, then with a confused look on his face asks what a dick turd is, pronouncing “turd” like he’s taking an extra-long hit off a very satisfying bong. Then again, he could be so high, he’s forgotten what a cellphone is. I mean, it’s possible – he is wearing a pinky ring, and that’s the kind of life choice you make after diving head-first into the good shit.