Category: Angus T Jones

CBS Has Mercifully Pulled The Plug On “Two And A Half Men”

May 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in a filthy, meth-scented mansion in Beverly Hills, Charlie Sheen is cackling at the top of his lungs while doing celebratory lines of Comet off a hooker’s tits with one hand and composing an incoherent Twitter poem for Ashton Kutcher with the other, because CBS announced today that after 12 seasons of watching Jon Cryer slowly die inside until he became an empty shell of a man, they would be ending Two and a Half Men.

Network president Nina Tassler, who sounds like a Swedish burlesque performer, said the final season of TV’s longest-running comedy (there’s your depressing thought of the day) would be a surprise-filled season-long finale event, and hinted that one of the shocking surprises might be Charlie Sheen. Having Charlie Sheen come back for an episode would be a surprise, but the greatest, most shocking surprise of all would be if they wrote an episode that was actually funny. But since that won’t happen, I’ll happily take an episode where Chuck Lorre brings back the half-man, Angus T. Jones, and lets him free associate his insane thoughts on religion for 22 minutes.

On the upside, the cancellation of Two and a Half Men means that Ashton Kutcher will be free to pursue what should be his true passion and life priority: writing and directing a sequel to Dude, Where’s My Car?

Two And A Half Men Gets Renewed, Angus T. Jones Isn’t Coming Back Full-Time

April 27, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above in what looks like a still from the douche-ified remake of Weekend at Bernies with Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher, Angus T. Jones is no longer going to sell out his pristine soul by starring as a regular on the dark-sided unholy sin show that is Two and a Half Men. Angus T. Jones said in a video for his church last year that nobody should watch the TV show that put millions of dollars into his checking account, because it’s a filthy piece of trash. If this Angus bitch really thinks Two and a Half Men is Lucifer’s filthiest work, then he’d probably really run to Jesus if he peeked into my Tivo, because my Tivo is filled with Gigolos episodes, Skinemax movies and the most evil show of them all 19 Kids & Counting.

Entertainment Weekly says that CBS has officially renewed Two and a Half Men and Angus won’t be a regular, but he will do a few episodes here and there throughout the season. So Angus is only going to go against God part-time instead of full-time.

And unless Khloe Kardashian replaces Angus full-time, the show should probably change its name to Two Men or One Man and a Human Suppository.

Angus T. Jones Still Wants A Job On The Show That’s The Work Of Satan

November 28, 2012 / Posted by:

God hates Two and a Half Men, but God loves money and respecting contracts more. Angus T. Jones has let out a half-assed apology for saying in a video for his Christian church that he hates the show that makes him $8 million a season,  because it’s so filthy and unholy that it plays in porn theaters in Hell’s ninth circle. Two and a Half Men’s producers haven’t said anything about Anus (typo and it stays) telling people not to watch his shit show and he hasn’t been back on the set since. To make things a little less awkward at work, Angus has sort of said sorry to those who have made him a multi-millionaire. The future Kirk Cameron said this:

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear.

Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them.

I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

What Angus really means is: “Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away most of my good Christian soul and I’ll have to give a lot of hand jobs to bananas to get pure again, but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire and how can I go against God’s wishes?

I can’t argue with Angus. I don’t watch Two and a Half Men and now I’m really not going to watch it, because God is speaking through a child actor and telling me not to watch it. You know, I think God is also speaking to me through my TV screen, because I just looked up and watched a commercial for El Pollo Loco’s new chocolate nachos. Obviously, God wants me to go to El Pollo Loco and eat those chocolate nachos, so I’m going to do that….for God.

via Deadline

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