Jackie And Kelso Are Having Another Baby

Apparently the only part of Ashton Kutcher that’s worn rubber recently has been his nose. Ew, I’ll stop. That innocent red rubber nose doesn’t deserve to be dragged into a joke about Ashton’s penis. A rep for Mila Kunis has confirmed to People that she’s currently pregnant with Kelso’s baby for a second time. Mila and Ashton, who got secret married almost a year ago, already have a 20-month-old daughter named Wyatt Isabelle.

Mila’s rep didn’t get into specifics, like when she’s due or if it’s a boy or a girl or if they’re (brace yourself, Michael K) “over the moon.” But a source tells People that Ashton is really excited about being a dad again.

“Ashton genuinely lights up when talking about Wyatt and the little one on the way. Everything about being a father is natural to him.”

Since we know nothing about Jackie and Kelso’s second baby, the only thing we can do is wildly speculate about what they might name it. Their first baby sounds like a brand of old-timey saloon cocktail onions, and Ashton did make a show for Netflix called The Ranch. So I’m guessing a vaguely Western-sounding name is in that baby’s future. If it’s a boy, I’m thinking Shooter Mustache or (jangly sound of spurs) McWhiskey. If it’s a girl, then maybe Miss Kitty or Pleasewatch Theranch, because I’m not sure anyone is doing that and it could probably use all the help it can get.

Here’s Mila and Ashton and Wyatt at a farmer’s market last month. You know, that source claims Ashton loves being a dad, but does he really? Look at those cut-off sweat shorts. A real out-and-proud dad would have made the transition to Kirkland Signature hemmed-at-the-knee stonewashed jean shorts already.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Got Secret Married This Weekend

During an appearance on The Late Late Show with James Corden back in March, vinegar enthusiast Mila Kunis danced around a question about whether she had taken her vinegar fetish to the next level by getting married to Massengill’s next of kin Ashton Kutcher. Mila never technically answered yes or no, but she was blushing and playing coy and didn’t correct James Corden when he pointed to her ring finger and said “They are married, look“, so everyone took that as an implied yes.

Well, it turns out Jackie was just playing us so she and Kelso could get secret married in private over the weekend. Those sneaky liars! According to UsWeekly, Mila Kunis officially became the second Mrs. Ashton Kutcher this weekend at a place called The Secret Garden at Parrish Ranch in Oak Glen, CA. A secret wedding at The Secret Garden? We totally should have seen this one coming. I bet they made Baby Wyatt go incognito in some kind of random animal costume to keep it extra hush-hush.

Mila has said in the past that she’s always wanted to get secret married and didn’t plan to invite anyone to her wedding, so nobody really knows anything about what happened this weekend. Until I see pictures confirming otherwise, I will choose to believe Ashton wore a gorgeous pink chiffon gown and the wedding was officiated by Red Forman. “Do you, dumbass, take this dumbass to be your lawfully wedded dumbass?“

Ashton Kutcher’s Dick Wrecked Scott Eastwood’s Relationship

Scott Eastwood and his Tiny Size Chiclets teeth are everywhere, because Hollywood is trying to make him happen and he’s pushing that latest Nicholas Sparks turd about the love struggles of pretty, young white people. Clint Eastwood’s child was on Watch What Happens Live last night with Duckie from Pretty In Pink. Duckie was asked if it was awkward working with Ashton Kutcher since both of them bumped fuck parts with Demi Moore. Jon Cryer answered the question and the moment was all about him until Scott Eastwood’s attention whore ass slid on in with his own Ashton Kutcher story. Jon Cryer was TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY (Copyright: Paula Abdul) and Scott Eastwood just had to swoop in and steal the spotlight. Story of Duckie’s life….

Scott said that his girlfriend at the time cheated on him by passing her pussy to Ashton Kutcher who was still married to Demi Moore. All the way back in the olden days of 2011, two chicks took a ride on Ashton’s douche stick after partying with him at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. One of them sold her story to UsWeekly and spilled all the details including how Ashton spilled in her cooch since he didn’t wear a condom. She also later made a masterpiece confession video in a rented house. Scott also said that his friend’s girlfriend was the other chick Ashton boned that night. Ashton’s San Diego bareback fuck party was apparently one of the reasons why his and Demi’s marriage died. Scott says he isn’t mad at Ashton or his ex-girlfriend. Why would he be? Ashton’s wandering peen gave him a story to tell on a talk show while pushing his movie.

That thirsty “I ain’t one to gossip” screen shot on the video below tells you everything:

You can practically hear Scott Eastwood’s b-hole open as he squirts with excitement over finally getting to use that little nugget. So douchey… So smuggy… So smarmy… On that note, I’d definitely take The Longest Ride on that shit.

Here’s Scott Eastwood and his co-star Britt Robertson posing on the top of the Empire State Building yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Mila Kunis Admits That She And Ashton Kutcher Are Married

That sound you just heard was a despondent Demi Moore falling face-first into a pile of 22-year-old party boys.

Mila Kunis has been spotted wearing one of THOSE RINGS on THAT FINGER since the birth of the tiny old timey gunslinger she made with Ashton Kutcher, and for a while she wasn’t into the idea of talking about whether she had made it legal with the former Trucker Hat Prince of Hollywood. But she finally admitted what we all sort of figured all along: that Jackie and Kelso got married.

According to the Daily Mirror, it happened during the taping of the debut episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden. James Corden kept asking her if she made it legal with Ashton Kutcher, and she kept answering with a coy “maybe“. Eventually he was like “You’re either married or you’re not“, and pointed at her hitchin’ finger, saying “They are married, look.” The Daily Mirror says she got all red faced, which prompted James to ask her during the break if he’d pissed her off, to which she laughed and answered “It’s fine.”

So there you have it. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are officially married. It’s really too bad Mila and Ashton are so private, because I would have totally watched a reality show about their wedding day. And yes, only because I want to see Mila stomp down the stairs shouting “Michael! I mean, Ashton! You were supposed to be at the church 3 hours ago, you doofus! Why aren’t you wearing any pants? Gawd, you’re such an idiot!“

Ashton Kutcher Is Leading The Fight For More Diaper Changing Stations In Men’s Bathrooms

A few weeks ago, I was at the authentic Chinese gourmet emporium P.F. Chang’s and a dad was complaining to the server about how there’s nowhere in the men’s bathroom for him to change his baby. Dude was ranting about how he had to change his kid’s diaper on the dirty floor and if he did it on a table out in the open, he’d probably be arrested. So dramatic! Nobody would’ve called the cops. They wouldn’t have had time to call the cops, because the entire restaurant would have had to be evacuated after all of us puked up our insides from watching him change his baby’s dirty diaper while trying to enjoy some Beef á la Sichuan.

Well, new dad Ashton Kutcher feels that dude’s plight and is using his celebrity to bring on change and demand that every men’s bathroom have a place to clean up his kid’s piss and shit.

Ashton is sick of strolling into a bathroom with his baby daughter Wyatt and saying, “Dude, where’s the changing station?” Ashton doesn’t understand why women’s and family bathrooms have places to change diapers, but men’s bathrooms don’t. (Side note: I once went into a men’s bathroom and the diaper changing station was being used as a place for dudes to keep their drinks as they pissed. A changing station and a bar!) Ashton went on Facebook to announce his new mission and said that he will fart up a shout to the first men’s restroom he goes into that has a place to change diapers. The challenge has been thrown down!

I’m not sure how one Facebook shout out from Ashton will lead to worldwide change, but whatever, he’s fighting the good fight. I’m sure Justin Bieber will soon join the fight with Ashton, because it’s always a drag when he’s out partying with his bros and there’s no place for them to change his diaper after he gets the coke shits.

And here’s Ashton taking his kid for a hike in L.A. yesterday.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

And Now For The Time Ashton Kutcher Got Mila Kunis To Join Tinder And Grindr

“Yeah…so just a heads up, you might want to go by ‘Milo’ on Grindr.”

During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Tuesday night, Meg Griffin’s real-life Bizarro World counterpart Mila Kunis admitted that when she first started dating the Kelso to her Jackie, human smirk Ashton Kutcher, he was all about tech shit and apps and being a low-budget Steve Jobs (you know, before he actually became a low-budget Steve Jobs). And one of the apps he introduced her to was a little-known location-based fuck app he was considering investing in called Tinder:

“When we started dating, Tinder hadn’t been really out yet. And he was like, ‘So babe, you know, I got this thing that I’m thinking about. You need to do me a favor and look at this app. Download [it].’ I was like, no problem. I’m on this thing going, ‘What is this?!’ Like, swiping things left and right. I was like, ‘This is amazing!’ This is stuff that I do at home. He makes me go on all of these websites. What’s the gay version of Tinder? Grindr! I’ve been on Grindr.”

Sure, sure – it was all just for research. I’m sure he was never like “So babe, we need to make sure these apps actually work. Do you mind swiping right on like, 10-20 people you think are hot? You know, just to make sure it works. And then maybe see if they’d be into a hypothetical threesome? Again, just research.”

But I still don’t understand why Ashton chose Mila as his Tinder/Grindr guinea pig, and not his perpetually-horny human boner friend Wilmer Valderrama? Or maybe he tried, but Tinder and Grindr kept sending 404 error – are you sure you want to do that? messages whenever users swiped right on him.

Here’s Mila arriving and leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:

Pics: Splash