Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher Are Totally Getting A Divorce This Time

September 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Lainey Gossip says that tomorrow’s cover of Star Magazine will make absolutely no one clutch at their anal beads in SHOCK by featuring this headline: “World Exclusive It’s Over! Demi & Ashton’s $290 million divorce!” Actually, let me take a Magic Eraser to my last comment and correct myself. Everybody will be clutching at their anal beads, because we’re actually living on a planet where an empty douche bottle in a Jesus mask and a Kyle Richards impersonator are worth $290 million together.

Lainey says that Star is practically echoing their story from this time last year and saying that Ashton Kutcher’s wandering peen hasn’t stopped slipping into side pieces and Demi Moore can no longer mask the pain by unmasking her non-biodegradable body parts in a bathroom bikini photo shoot for her Twitter followers. There’s not many details from Star’s story other than that mess, but The Dirty (via Gather) got an e-mail from someone who claims that their friend helped Asshole Kutcher in his never-ending pursuit to beat Tiger Woods’ man whore record.

Nik, I’m going to be straight to the point. I’m a female who works at who happens to be friends with Sara Leal, probably not after this. I’m sick to my stomach over what happen last Friday night. Like most people on earth I worshiped Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore until Ashton Kutcher f*cked my friend Sara Leal at 4:30AM technically Saturday morning in his room on the 12 floor at the Hardrock Hotel in San Diego. Ashton Kutcher told Sara Leal that him and Demi Moore are separated and the public doesn’t know yet. Smooth line Ashton, she was going to f*ck you anyway.

Don’t speak for us.” – Most people on earth to Sara Leal’s friend

Demi and Ashton haven’t been photographed next to each other in a little while and that’s a red flag right there. Demi might not be able to force herself to rub her shellacked body of desperation on Ashton’s man slut stick, but she’s always been able to put on a brave face for the sake of the paparazzi’s cameras!

My thoughts and prayers are with Demi and Ashton’s Twitter followers at this time. It will be hard at first to only follow Ashton every other weekend (not including holidays), but they’ll eventually get through this difficult time.

Here’s Demi looking a little Rimes-ish with Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beak at last night’s NYC premiere of Lifetime’s Five.

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